Just Can't Get Enough...

Ok, so I saw that "Free Hugs" video on YouTube, and while it was warm and fuzzy, what really caught my attention is the song that is used for soundtrack. I went and bought the cd cause I loved that song so much.

All The Same By Sick Puppies

I don't mind where you come from
as long as you come to me.
But I don't like illusions; I can't see
them clearly.
I don't care, no I wouldn't dare,
to fix the twist in you.
You've shown me eventually
what you'll do.
I don't mind.
I don't care.
As long as you're here.

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running,
holding your scarred heart in hand.
It's all the same.
And I'll take you for who you are,
if you take me for everything.
I'd do it all over again.
It's all the same.

Hours slide and days go by 'til you
decide to come.
However long you stay
is all that I am.
I don't mind.
I don't care.
As long as you're here.

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again,
you'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand.
It's all the same.
And I'll take you for who you are
if you take me for everything.
I'd do it all over again.
It's all the same.

Filling The Illness Status Quo

This year, bar none, has been the worst year for sickness for me in a long time. Cold after cold after cold. I've spent more days sniffling, coughing, sneezing, or just feeling yucky than I have feeling energetic and well. It's starting to bug.

Right now I've got the Really Gross Cough. You know what I'm talking about: the kind where you can actually visualize the phlegm squishing out of your alveoli and through your bronchial tubes and into your esophogus. Yeah, and then on top of that lovely picture you get to taste the phlegm!! Here's the money question though: Spit or swallow? :)

Hopefully if I take it easy over the next couple of days, I'll be able to feel a little better for Christmas.

What are you most excited for this Christmas? I'm excited to see my kids' reactions to gifts.

'Twas the Tuesday before Christmas and all through my freezing cold body...

You're seriously going to fire me from blogging, aren't you? Yeah, yeah, I know. I suck.

So my sister had her 5th baby this morning. That brings the number of grandchildren up to an even 20! And thank god it wasn't me who had to do it... :) They named him (oh, it was a boy) Jonathan Washington ____. So that gives us 2 Jonathans and 2 Alex's in our little pod. You'd think the 6 of us could be more creative with our baby-naming, don't you? Well we can't.

My grandparents had 31 grandchildren. Of my 25 cousins, I know all their names, in what order they were born (in each family, not overall) and a very, very limited idea of what they're doing with their lives. When we were younger we'd see each other a lot, mostly at family reunions or during various travels. But frankly, I'd be surprised if any of them had the first clue what my life is like.

In the generation of my own children and nieces / nephews, they seems to be a lot closer than I was with my cousins. I know it helps that we all live close to each other, and that we hang out as brothers and sisters. In fact, my one brother who has always lived out of state seems to be the most out-of-the-loop with things. That's okay, but I sure wish we knew his kids better.

Anyway, the relationship with my kids and their cousins is somewhere between cousin and brother or sister. Close cousins, I guess. That's really cool, in my opinion. I would love to look up some of my cousins and get reacquainted with them, but it just seems like too much work, especially since they're all out of state.

**closing tangent**
So I got pulled over the other day (RARE) because my registration is past due. No big deal, the cop was nice, and yes I got a ticket. But anyhow, a short while later my friend calls me up and asks me, "DUDE. Did you just get pulled over?!?" Of course this was baffling to me, that she knew of it only minutes later. It turns out that a mutual friend of ours was actually riding in the police car that pulled me over, and recognized my name when the guy pulled it up. Maybe that's not all that neat, but it's funny as crap to me... :)

What does a lion say?

From the time we're little, we learn about how the world works. My 2 year old son knows what a lion says, and yet he doesn't know what a lion even is yet. Same with a cow, duck, sheep, and various other animals.

He learns things with such enthusiasm. His little lion growl is menacing and adorable. His face lights up when he's told, "Good job!" He gets joy from such little, simple things. So to honor my inner-toddler, here's a list of simple things that bring me joy:

* talking and laughing with my older brothers and sisters

* driving fast, specifically in the middle of nowhere

* going to lunch

* baths

* snuggling

* pretty underwear

* dragonflies (who doesn't know that yet??)

* successfully baking something delicious

Okay but in all honesty, my son is a holy terror to be sure. If there's something to get into, he'll do it. He'll find breakable things. He has an inner-magnet for trouble and mess. So I feel it's only fair and judicious for me to make a list of things that I shouldn't take pleasure in, but do.

* leaving a pile of clothes in the dressing room after trying them on

* downloading Mp3's illegally

* smoking a clove-flavored cigarette (though I've sworn them off)

That's all I can think of right now; I must be an ANGEL! :)

Cheesiest Song EVER

It may be cheesy, but I daresay it's every girl's secretly favorite song... :)

Now and Forever by Richard Marx

Whenever I'm weary
From the battles that rage in my head
You make sense of madness
When my sanity hangs by a thread

I lose my way but still you seem to understand
Now and forever, I will be your man.

Sometimes I just hold you
Too caught up in me to see
I'm holding a fortune
That heaven has given to me

I'll try to show you each and every way I can
Now and forever, I will be your man.

Now I can rest my worries and always be sure
That I won't be alone anymore
If I'd only known you were there all the time
All this time

Until the day the ocean doesn't touch the sand
Now and forever, I will be your man.

Cookie Day

Usually we have our Cookie Day on a Saturday in December, and all the girls in the family get together to make various cookie plates for neighbors, friends, visiting teachees, etc. This year, due to time constraints, we're having it on a Tuesday. And I don't have anyone to give my cookies to. I guess I can make a plate for the neighbors, and maybe for a couple friends and their families. But for some reason, this year the thought isn't as exciting.

Maybe it's because we (okay, really I do) pale in comparison to Mandoo and her cookies. :) Send us back to the gutters where we belong, hot bum, and show us who reigns at cookie-making.

**tangent alert**
I'm excited that you all watch Heroes! I think I agree with Eric's analysis, and I, too, wish you were a writer for that show.

So I am making spritz cookies, and probably some sugar cookies that I'll turn into cute little twisted candy canes. I better get to it!!

'Tis the Season for "Holiday" Parties

Maybe I'm just having a cynical holiday season this year, but I'm getting bugged by all the Santa things I constantly see.

My daughter said to me the other day, "Mommy, I want to sleep in the living room on Christmas Eve so that I can see if Santa is real. Well, I know that he's real, but I want to see what he really looks like." This statement reminded me of my not-so-long-lost belief in Jesus Christ. (by the way, Christian Blog thingy that requested me to join your ranks: here's my official "no thanks")

As a parent, I think I would just rather have her learn on her own about the whole Santa thing. She's seven and really bright, so I'm sure this belief won't last very long. In response I sat there and listened to her, saying nothing. I don't want to crush this idea for her. But I can't help feeling like I'm being deceptive and dishonest. I don't want to be that way, so it's hard to know what to do. If this were about Jesus Christ, I wouldn't have hesitation in discussing things with her. Maybe it's because the idea of Santa Claus isn't really harmful at all? Hm...

Tonight is the big formal Christmas party at my work. It's going to be pretty busy, so I'm excited that I'll get good tips. And maybe since the patrons will be all dressed up, I won't have to deal with sour behavior. Some of these guys get rude when they get drunk, and while it's nothing I can't handle, it does get old. My job is still really fun though. People are starting to remember me too now, and so it's starting to feel more comfortable. :)

OH. What I Really Wanted to Blog About Today...

Heroes.

Okay so here's a spoiler warning. Come back when you're all caught up on the episodes. This is my water cooler, and if you're not up-to-date then go back to your desk and do your work. Or go hang at your own water cooler. :)

First of all, Eva's (is that her name?) just attained "cool" status cause she killed herself and didn't let Siler get her powers. Secondly, how sad is it that Claire's friend Zach doesn't remember now?? I was so heartbroken for her about that. And for Zach too.

The cop and the FBI lady are going to do it.

Why the crap are Nikki/Jessica, DL, and Micah involved in this story at ALL? Their storyline bores me because I don't get it.

Peter Petrelli. Cute enough? Here's my prediction, based on the dream he had. He absorbs the powers of those around him. So if everyone is around him, including the radioactive guy, maybe he IS the one who blows up NYC. I can't wait until January 22.

K your turn. Tell me what you think.

A Promise

Water, emotions, our feelings:
Fluid.
Should we fight them?
Deny ourselves?
Struggle against the current?
Should we analyze the reasons why
the current flows the way it does?
Will we find logic and pattern and predictability?
Water, emotions and feelings can be destructive forces, true.
But they're essential for life. To live.

I'm going to take each day as it comes.
I'm going to allow myself to feel pain.
I will love. I do love.

A life lived in fear is a life half-lived. This life is all I have. I will live as fully as I know how.

My New Fave

Evanescence: The event of fading and gradually disappearing from sight. The new album from the band with the same name is great. The Open Door shows Amy Lee's vocal diversity and range. I'm loving it! :)

Good Enough by Evanescence

Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly
Now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe
But I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough
For you

Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
And I've completely lost myself
And I don't mind
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you conquer me completely
Now I can't let go of this dream
I can't believe
That I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough
It's been a such long time coming
But I feel good

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
Pour real life down on me
Cause I can't hold on
To anything this good enough
Am I good enough for you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me
Cause I can't say no

So I Was at the Doctor's Office Recently...

...and was waiting patiently for my turn. Remember how I was bleeding irregularly for like 3+ weeks? Well yeah, I was getting that little issue checked out. Gynecologists are not my favorite people to visit, but they do serve their purpose. So I was being patient. (And I was being a patient. Why is that cracking me up so much?!? I'm a dork.)

Ok, so on with the story. I live in Utah Valley. The ratio of Mormons to non-Mormons is even higher here than in SLC, where the headquarters of the LDS church is. The Mormon sludge is so thick here you can feel it settle into your lungs, right next to the inversion crap. Here you find stores that sell knee-shorts, missionary memorabilia, scrapbooking paraphernalia, and food storage/emergency "essentials". Knowing these things, you'd think that nothing much would surprise me.

Oh yeah, on with the story. So I'm sitting there in the office, and on the wall is a magazine rack. Here is a picture, for I didn't want to leave it up to my insufficient words to explain. Direct your attention specifically to the top shelf, and see if you can guess which one of these things just doesn't belong, in my opinion (in a doctor's office).

A Few Thoughts About Nablopomo

I set myself a goal, and I made a commitment to fulfill it. I've missed several days of blog posting, however, so this goal of A Post Per Day was not met.

"You'll find that the more you break the promises you make to yourself, the easier it gets."

At first I didn't meet my commitment by accident. This has been a stress-filled month, and I couldn't think of anything to say, short of laying my whole personal life out for the world to witness. I just can't do that, you see. I thought about blog posting every day. Having pictures to post saved my butt for a while, but even that got old.

But then, since I had missed a couple of days here and there, the importance of my goal diminished. I found solace during this difficult time in my music, in a friend, and in being alone without my computer. I put a separation between me and my virtual reality. Coming back now, I admit that I feel a little guilty for alienating my friends (blogging and beyond) and ignoring them. I know that's not justified, but it's there.

Now today it's the last day of November. I still have posted more this month than any month prior (I believe, but am to lazy to verify for certain). I'm happy with the things I've been able to say, and when I look back upon what I've published, I will be reminded of how I got through the hardest month of my life. So I'm satisfied. It does get easier to break promises to myself, the more I do it.

It's been fun for me to see how others have coped with the sheer monotony of posting every day. I'm so thrilled for those of you who made it through, who persevered. You deserve any [eh] prize or satisfaction you get!! Great job!!

So here's to the end of the Nablopomo era, at least for 2006. I'm nearing my year-of-blogging mark, so soon I will go back and read my archives and decide what progress towards discovering myself I've made. I know that I know myself better. I know that I like who I am, even though sometimes I don't like the things I do. All in all, blogging has been a great blessing for me. :)

Alex Took This...

These were taken a few weeks ago at Liberty Park in SL. Dave and Alex stopped off to feed the seagulls. I wish it were that nice today, but instead we're getting quite a snow storm, and my hands are freezing cold. :)

Best Birthday Ever

I mean, EVER. The party we had on Saturday for Thunderchops and me was a blast. I have some pretty great friends, I must say.

Last night I had the opportunity to go to a Utah Jazz game, and thanks to my terrific family who filled in and watched my kids, it worked out that I was able to go. We sat in the 4th row, right behind Larry Miller. We got dinner and half-time snacks in the VIP room, and we got free beer. I hadn't had heffeweisen on tap for a while, and it was tasty!

Here's a pic right before the tip off. Yes, that's Carlos Boozer right there, doing Mehmet Okur from behind. And that referee was particularly cute! :)

It was an amazing evening, and lots of fun!! The Jazz lost pretty pathetically to the Orlando Magic, but really, who cares? Besides, I'm pretty sure I saw Grant Hill look over and check me out. So I wasn't really paying attention to the game... :)

All these fun things I've been able to do already, and my birthday is today. Yeah I'm 29 years old today. It's the last year of my twenties...

*Sigh* I Can Breath for a Second!

Wow! It's been a long, long time since I sat down at my computer and had a free minute or two to blog. I usually spend a good chunk of my day with my computer, so these past few days have been hectic and strange for me.

I have had 3 shifts at my new job (for BR: it's the Fraternal Order of Eagles in PG), one bartending and two cocktail waitressing. I have enjoyed each shift in its own way, and I really love having cash from tips. I forgot how nice it is to pay for things with cash, instead of my debit card!!

It's been a lot of fun trying to get along with the old hick regulars that like to give me a hard time. Fortunately I can dish it as well as I can take it. I'm fitting in quite nicely, I think. They keep wanting me to pledge and become a member. It's a really good deal for women: a $15 initiation fee then $17 per year thereafter. Their drinks are cheaper than any other place I've seen in this valley. They have a really poor selection of beer, but they can make the most common mixed drinks.

So I'm thinking about doing it.

My birthday is coming up next week so I'm throwing myself a birthday party tonight. I'd invite ALL y'all, I really would. But I know that you wouldn't make the interstate travel to get here before 8 pm. So oh well. :)

Well I'm going to do some laundry and read some blogs, for the first time in a week. I hope all is well with my peeps. Happy Saturday!!

Phone Blogging

So I'm totally stuffed, but here I am, making Chex Party Mix at ten pm. We had a good dinner at my mom's house, with the usual perversion and offense at it's typical levels. Today on this day of giving thanks, I am grateful for the many people who I have had the opportunity to get to know this past year. They have all had a part--to some degree--in helping me discover who I am, for better or for worse. It has been a great year.

Wednesday Blog??

Did I miss it? I think I might have. Oh well. I started my new job. LOVE it. :)

Dave Took This...

Another bird:
"Okay, so I have a bunch of pictures of the AFA - UofU game last Saturday night in Colorado Springs, but I don't suppose anybody cares that much, although it was another GREAT game, culminating in a last-minute field goal by the Utes for the win. So for this week, I'm sending a picture of the Air Force Academy mascot, the falcon that flies around the stadium. This picture is up close and personal thanks to my most excellent vantage point FROM THE SIDELINES!! I thought it was cool because for most people who follow Mountain West Conference football, the falcon is just something that somebody on the radio tells you is happening. Even on T.V., its none too dumb. Anyway, here she is, with her AFA hat and everything. I don't know, maybe not that cool, but I was impressed."

Monday music

Mr. Brightside by The Killers

Comin out of my cage and I've been doing just fine.
Gotta, gotta be down because I want it all.
It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only kiss!

Now I'm falling asleep and she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke and she's taking drag.
Now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick.
And it's all in my head but she's touching his...

...chest
Now he takes off her dress
Now let me go
I just can't look it's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I'm Mr. Brightside.

To the one Male who has ruined me...

I am, of course, speaking of my son. To my son on your second birthday:

You're a booger. A gigantic one. May one day the terror you have inflicted on us thus far be returned upon you at least five-fold. Possibly ten.

May your children be hyperactive. May you groan as your parents buy your children obnoxiously noisy toys which your children will love to sound over and over again. May their heads find every surface to knock against, to the point where you mostly don't worry about head wounds.

May they have the most mischievous eyes EVER. May they grin at you and your heart melts and you can't help but scoop them in your arms. May they be able to get away with murder.

I love you, boy.

Love,

Mommy

Posting to post.

Tonight is a night for chillin'. I'm hanging with Thunderchops and his wife Tiff. We are chemically altered and eating dee-licious tacos!! Chops has a figurine of a Sand Person and a Jawa on his computer moniter. He's got all my favorite DVD's and thensome. He's pretty much perfect. :)

Okay what are y'all doin' on this fine Saturday evening??

I Always Wanted to be a Hooters Girl...

I have an interview scheduled this evening at a bar. Yep, a bar. I'm gonna be a cocktail waitress at a local hick watering hole.

Have you ever heard of the Fraternal Order of Eagles? I don't know anything about it, and don't care enough to google it, but that's where this job would be at. The local chapter (?) is in Pleasant Grove, so that would be convenient. I don't know what could be more fun than serving drinks to old guys. What's funny is I'm actually serious. And I think I'd prefer this kind of setting, where you get to know the regulars, than a setting like Applebee's or TGIFriday's. I like talking, I like booze, I like being a tease. I'm perfect for the job! :)

I'll post again later and let you know how my interview with "Goldie" went. I wonder if they have karaoke there?

**Update**

Well, the interview was more of a "When can you start?". So yeah! I train this Tuesday, then they may need me to come in on Wednesday evening, but my first official day is next Friday. It's going to be so fun!!! I'd love to have folks "drop in", but you have to be a member. A patron? An initiate? Who the heck knows.

Dotted Lines Confuse Me

Remember that one time, when I ran over my phone with my car? Remember how I mourned the loss? I finally replaced that lovely little LG. The last phone was a girl. She had rainbow lights that made me happy. This new phone is a boy. He's badass.

Blogging. Fits. Period.

I think it's funny that SML has written a couple of blogs about her period. I haven't ever done that before, and since it's behaving freakishly right now, there's never been a better reason! :)

It's coming up on three weeks now that my period has been my constant companion. And remember: it started two weeks early in the first place. Normally I'm like clockwork with my 28 day cycle. Granted I've been a little stressed out recently, but this is getting ridiculous!

The thing about it is that to fix it I'll have to go on birth control pills. I can't just NOT do anything, or else I'll develop anemia, which my mom had when she was younger. But pills?!? Argh.

I'm not very good at taking daily doses of anything. I think I'll look into like a once-a-month birth control shot or something. Last year my doctor decided that I had mild depression, and put me on Effexor as a remedy. I was actually a little excited to try it, to be honest. I had to take my pill every day, and I was warned that I wouldn't feel much difference for as long as six weeks. I lasted on that drug for about 8 weeks. When it kicked in, I wouldn't get out of bed. I could sleep all day long. So yeah, I decided I could probably get myself out of the depression more easily.

This year I've lost some weight--about 20 pounds total. I would presume that has something to do with my jacked up hormones, except I lost it in a very healthy way. I basically cut sugar from sodas, and switched to skim milk and some other non-fat products. So I am not convinced that's the reason why my body is f-ing with me.

I have a doctor's appointment set for next week. Hopefully she'll tell me that I'm A-OK, and we'll have a good laugh at the mystery of hormones. But likely, I'll be put on "the pill" and have to mess with them some more in order to find balance. *sigh*

Dave('s Camera) Took This...

This picture was taken by Dave's camera. Dave was in Minnesota over the weekend to see the Vikings get stomped by the Packers. He had the opportunity to stop by the local Fox station to give his opinion of the game. HAHAHA! DAVE! This made me laugh for the first time in 2 days. Oh, Dave. Who? Dave.

Reason

(prompted by Weekly Anamnesis #48)

She ran down the hallway, stumbling left, stumbling right. Both hands caught her against the wall as quiet tears spilt freely from her eyes. It was dark and she had only the feel of the smooth walls to base any sense of direction. At last she found a golden outline of a door frame. The light was dim but she could see a small dark rectangle at about the height of her head on the door. She got closer, tracing it with her fingers. She made out the letters H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S in block print on the rectangle.

Desperation swept over her. She fumbled for a doorknob, and found it, cool and smooth along the left-hand side of the door. In a flash, she envisioned the ease with which the door knob turned under her pressure. She could see herself slowly pulling the door towards her, and peeking around it to see the source of the golden illumination. Her heart warmed as she pictured her release, her escape.

But the knob didn't budge. She tried again. The damn thing didn't even jiggle when she shook it. It was locked. The golden frame was taunting as intense realization hit her. With both fists she pounded on that door. She screamed and yelled and sobbed, pleading for the knob to turn. It would not. She was still trapped. Her perceived happiness would continue to elude her.

She fell backwards against the opposite wall and sat there staring at the door. There was no legitimate reason for her to continue to try, but all she wanted to do was sit there. She didn't want to leave the door, just to forge deeper into the dark hallway without hope. And so she sat. "Maybe someday," she told herself, "maybe someday the door will open for me."

Broken

If I Didn't Know Any Better by Alison Krauss

I turned around
Before I could run
I found you already settled down
In the back of my mind

I know this is just a customary fever
The moon is our deceiver
That will leave you running blind

Your heart is pullin'
If I didn't know any better
I'd be fallin' deeper and deeper it's true
I'd hear it callin'
If I didn't know any better
And I'd be in love with you

Didn't want to
Look in the eyes
Of the one that I would be drawn to
I'm a moth lost in a fire

And I know this
Is just a beautiful illusion,
A case of the confusion
Between love and desire.

Your heart is pullin'
If I didn't know any better
I'd be fallin'
Deeper and deeper it's true
I'd hear it callin'
If I didn't know any better

And I'd be in love
When the flame burns out
And finally settles down
And you forget
I ever came around

Your heart is pullin'
If I didn't know any better
I'd be fallin'
Deeper and deeper it's true
I'd hear it callin'
If didn't know any better
And I'd be in love with you

I turned around
Before I could run
I found you already settled down
In the back of my mind.

Waiting for dinner

So tonight I'm making pork chops, fried potatoes with italian seasoning, and some veggies. Nothing fancy, but it just sounds so good to me.

I'm not much of a cook. I can throw together things if I have to, and lately I've had more confidence at just experimenting with stuff. But still, cooking is something I'd rather to with someone else. There's something magical about putting a meal together and sharing delicious food with another person.

Baking is not the same way for me, however. When baking, I like to do it all alone. I am more organized, more efficient, and I find it cathartic to just live in my brain while measuring out ingredients. Some people like to bake with their children. This just drives me up a wall! I'm sure it's because I have some obsessive compulsive tendancies which result in anxiety as things aren't measured out exactly according to the recipe.

Time to check on the food!! :) I hope it turns out as yummy as I think it ought to!

Another Rendering

Okay here's the latest drawing, at JOOM's request! Thanks, by the way, for motivating me! :)

A Better Place

There is little in this world that's cheesier than Rogers & Hammerstein lyrics. Well, Chicago lyrics are pretty cheesy too. But I was reminded of a song today and it spoke to my heart. And so I give you:

You'll Never Walk Alone from Carousel

When you walk through a storm
Keep your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.

At he end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone.

I think I should be a Buddhist

There are a few goals in life that I've set for myself which I'm striving to achieve. Three really big ones are:

Going with the flow
Act, don't react
Letting my inner passions shine through

If you think about it, the three of those can very well contradict each other. Passionate people tend to be reactors, who tend to not go with the flow. But no matter what, those are things that I am wanting for myself.

I have hurt a lot of people recently, and I can't explain why. I wrestle with my lack of guilt. I ponder the role of the church in my life. My head is a constant battleground of ethics and morals.

Here's the thing I know: eventually life will level out. Eventually I will find my peace. As my friend told me yesterday, things happen for a reason, and it's hard to understand what that might be when we're in the middle of it.

Thanks to all you blogger friends who show love and caring. And to those of you who don't (i.e. Montgomery Q), well, you can just suck it. :)

By the Skin of my Teeth...

I don't have anything to say. Stupid blog-every-day. Sorry to be boring. My personal life is completely upturned right now.

Love you guys.

Alex Took This...

A golden sun melting with the day

I can't think of anything to say about sangria or chicken pot pie that would be worth writing a whole blog entry about. It's pretty obvious to me that this blogging-every-day thing is harder than I expected. My mind is scattered, my relationships and feelings are tenuous, and I can't seem to focus a thought clearly. But. There's been a song consistently playing in my head.

When I See You Smile
by Bad English

Sometimes I wonder
How I'd ever make it through,
Through this world without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue

'Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world's closing in on me,
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you, baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright

When I see you smile
I can face the world, oh oh,
you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light, oh oh,
I see it shining right through the rain
When I see you smile
Oh yeah, baby when I see you smile at me

Baby there's nothing in this world
that could ever do
What a touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew

And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it,
'cause you're here with me now
And one look at you baby
Is all I'll ever need,
you're all I'll ever need

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright

So right...

Witness My Madness

Les Miserables has been dominant in my brain lately. It's what I listen to in my car, as a matter of fact. There is a line which has always bugged me, and so it's the subject of today's blog. Here is a taste-test of the progression of thought that almost always comes whenever I hear that part of the play.

It comes from the song Drink With Me. Setting: friends are gathered in a tavern, lamenting their oncoming battle, knowing full well they might not survive.

"Here's to pretty girls who went to our heads. Here's to witty girls who went to our beds."

Why do the witty girls go to their beds, but not their heads?

Why don't the pretty girls go to their beds??

Why are pretty and witty mutually exclusive?

Am I pretty? Or am I witty?

Which is better? Going to a man's head or his bed? And why?

Which is the kind that you marry?

Are men dumb?

La, Meet Your Tattoo.

There's this guy who is a friend of a friend...his name is Darrin. The past two times we met him he drew on me. Yes, drew. With ink. This man has the mad artist skills, and I've now decided that when it's time, he will design my tattoo.



Here's a highly messed-with photo of the drawing I received last night. He drew it on the small of my back, and when I finally saw it in the mirror, I was instantly in love. The next thing I will have him do is draw a similar image on paper, and ink it with brightly vivid colors... I am so so so excited! This is it. I found it. Ahh...it's a superb feeling!

My New Obsession

There is a beauty in the world which, when tasted, cannot be lived without. I, of course, am speaking of DVR.

DVR is a way to record tv programs digitally. That is to say, without a tape. That is to say, how did we ever survive without this technology?? I am not like Rebecca, who is a psychic. By psychic, I mean that she mostly remembers which night her favorite shows are on. No, I'm no psychic. I forget which night are my shows. So this season I've stopped having "my shows".

Not to mention new shows! Friends and family alike have implored me to watch Heroes, which I had thought seemed interesting when I saw the previews. But, alas, I missed the season premiere, and I can't remember which night it's on. So no Heroes for me.

Enter in my friend Lee, who has the most bitchin' entertainment system EVER (Ok, besides Sideon, who is Uber-Entertainment Man). We spent a couple of evenings at his house and we are not only caught up on every episode of The Office, but we also are nearly caught up on all the Heroes episodes. YAY!!! And now I'm hooked. Yay for the sedentary lifestyle that is television addiction!! Woo-hoo!

DVR made this possible. I can't go back to VHS! That would be like eating my daughter's cheap Halloween chocolates after sampling luscious Swiss chocolate like Lindt. It would be a crime. And so, I vow to get DVR*.

*When I can afford it, cause damn it's expensive! :)

It's Friday, but what does that really mean?

I don't usually do this. I've made an effort to keep most of my complaints off my blog. I want to keep this as a forum of positivity, for the most part. But damn. I can't keep this in any longer so here's a list of current complaints:

* Being sick, especially the gutteral phlegm-y coughing kind

* Getting my period 2 weeks early, and having it for a week straight (as opposed to 5 days)

* Having a sick kid, and having the school call you to inform you of her 101 degree fever, which you should've known about if you were any kind of a parent and checked that kind of thing before you sent her off to school (esp. since she stayed home from school sick yesterday!)

* Not having someone to make me homemade chicken soup and bring me clear fluids all day long

* Jim missed Pam's text message last night on The Office. I'm getting sick of that storyline dragging out.

* Poopy diapers. I'm SO over any baby-hunger...

* There's too many movies I want to see. I don't have enough time!

* Saying the words, "Mormonism doesn't really affect me anymore", then pausing, then hearing Dick Norse on KSL talk about Gordon B. Hinkley on the news. Okay, I proceeded to flip off the TV, so maybe I'm not all the way recovered... :)

This list has gotten way too long. I'll stop it there. Happy Friday to you all!

Two Inches Less

As I ran my fingers through my long, straight black hair, I could hear the sound of hundreds of tiny hairs snapping under the pressure. Have you ever heard hair breaking? Like a crunching sound, but tiny?? It reminds me of the quiet but deafening sound of The Langoliers in the novel by Stephen King.

I knew it was time for a haircut.

"How can I keep my hair long and healthy?" I asked my stylist. "I don't use any product, so it's not really being damaged by chemicals..."

"There's your trouble. Right there. You should be using chemicals. Then when you flat-iron your hair, the heat acts first upon the chemicals, instead of your hair," was her reply.

She round brushed my hair with such fluidity that I was left aghast. She applied mousse, then blow dried it with a round brush, then applied something called "Repair and Shine", then flat-ironed it. My hair was straight, yet full of body. It was lovely!

When I create my own worlds without number, I'll finally be able to have a hairdresser of my very own! :)

Another Pic...

Enjoy the freakish companion to yesterday's photo:

He sees you whine. He knows your hate. You can't hide.

Dave Took This...

The Hawk

I accept the Blog Every Day challenge

Never one to turn down a good competition, I've joined the ranks of Eric in this endeavor. I'm actually just a little bit challenged by this, because lately I've not had properly firing synapses. So, while some posts may be a bit desperate and--let's face it--boring, I do commit to writing a blog post every day in the month of November.

Lack of the Spirit?

For some reason, this year, I haven't gotten into the spirit of Fall festivities. I haven't hung decorations. We carved pumpkins (I got as far as carving the lid, that's all) but we left them over at my sister's house and I haven't felt the urge to go retrieve them. We haven't made yummy Fall treats. The Black Forest cake was more in honor of Oktoberfest, not so much Fall. Anyway, I'm just trying to figure out why I'm so complacent about my favorite season this year.

Oh, and why did Kellogg's take the sugar off the raisins in Raisin Bran?

The After

It's funny to me that I'm starting this post when I don't even have suitable After picture yet. I need to hang the potato sack back up on the hanger and take a pic. I'm sure as people arise from the severe-partying-coma over the next few days that I'll see some pictures of me IN the costume, possibly innebriated. If I find one I approve of, I'll post it.

So for now, please be satisfied with a description of the alterations, and a couple of semi-relevant pictures.

I widened the neckline and it kept falling off my shoulders. So to compensate, I put a couple of tiny pleats in the front, and I really should've ironed them so they actually looked like pleats. I took it in about 5 inches on each side and still it was too big. I put slits up each side, which served well for showing off my choice of undies for the evening.

This is a picture which should give more detail as to my costume of choice. It is, naturally, Cleopatra. This is before I danced my brains out and got sweaty-hot and my hair curled. Oh, and it's before my make-up smudged all over my eyes. I looked pretty harsh this morning, I must say!


This is a picture of the delicious Black Forest cake I made for the party. From scratch. With Kirsch liqueur and everything. It was tasty!!

Thoughts about Life part 2

How to define the "Best of Humanity". I've been thinking about this for a while now. A good definition might be "that which builds up a stronger connection between humans".

I envision a little fisherman guy off the coast of Thailand who is skilled at his craft and enjoys doing it. His life and work and attitude benefit those around him, so he's helping to build up a stronger connection between humans. And I'd like to meet him, my hypothetical fisherman dude. :)

What if eating nasty worms or bugs is a delicacy in some given culture, and I'm offered one as a token of respect? Based on my beliefs (and yes, this IS grossing me out), which include embracing the Best of Humanity, I would eat that bug. I would psyche myself out beforehand, quite possibly, but I'd eat it. Entrails? Well, I'd have to come up with a fake allergy to get out of that situation... Because entrails are ew.

What if I brought it closer to home, and applied it to something more practical? Ooh, this gets tricky for me. In general terms, I try to accept people for their strengths. The older I get, the more I see value in other people's lives and experiences.

In specific terms, I'm probably hypocritical. Because lets face it. When it comes down to it, I'm the most important person to me. Yep, that's my dirty truth people. And often I can't be told what to do, regardless of anyone else's own personal experiences. But despite that, I'm learning to deal with people that I have intimate relationships with, like my mom for example. I try to see my mother in an objective light. TRY is the key word. Each day is a test, and each day I find new rationalizations and justifications for being the way I am. At this point, I'm okay with that. Tomorrow? Well, we'll just have to wait and see...

The Before

We are attending a Halloween party on Saturday, and I decided to go uber-cheap with my costume. We stopped at a thrift store this evening and purchased some make-shift costumes, but I’m going to have to tweak mine a bit in order to have it look semi-respectable. Since I’ve taken the task upon myself, I decided I’d post before and after pictures. Yeah, I’ll probably F it up somehow.







Here is a picture of the dress. Or shall we say potato sack? Or shall we say can you believe someone wore this thing?










Here is a picture of the contraption, which, in theory, will help me make that potato sack into something sleek and sexy (with divine intervention, of course). This machine is older than Eric and I combined. Eric wants to know where the gasoline goes, and where the pull cord is. He’s still looking.

The major factor in the inevitable screwing up of my costume is this: I don’t sew. Well, I do a little bit. But I can’t even get the dang bobbin threaded, so I don’t know how it’s going to play out. I may just have to take this thing over to my mom’s, who’s sewing machine is twice as old as mine.

I’ll post the after pictures on Saturday, hopefully! :)

I Will Follow You Into The Dark

By Death Cab For Cutie

Love of mine someday you will die

But I'll be close behind

I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white

Just our hands clasped so tight

Waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule

I got my knuckles brusied

by a lady in black

And I held my toungue as she told me

"Son, fear is the heart of love"

So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see

From Bangkok to Calgary

And the soles of your shoes

are all worn down

The time for sleep is now

It's nothing to cry about

Cause we'll hold each other soon

The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

Then I'll follow you into the dark

The Insatiable Cry

My boy woke up in a mood today. He's been crying nearly non-stop. We're talking primal scream, snot pouring, nothing-will-make-it-better cry. He runs around the house, grunting and sobbing with each footstep. Back and forth from the living room to the bedroom, up the stairs and down the stairs, sometimes pausing to fling himself backwards onto the floor. It's 9 am and my head is pounding.

Anyone want a boy? I'll wipe his nose for you before hand...

Alex Took This...

Alex' review of San Francisco, where he visited last week:

"Chinatown smells bad. Mom didn't like Ghirardelli's as much as she should have. They should get a machine to turn the cable cars around. A funny bird is the pelican."

San Francisco Skyline

The Rock

Surprises

Why is it that I rarely can be surprised? What is it about me that I tend to see things coming? Am I observant? Am I expectant?

Eric surprised me in a bad way once (I'm not holding it over your head, just acknowledging it for the sake of my thought progression). He's made a few attempts over our years together to surprise me on Valentine's or birthdays, but hasn't really achieved that. Ooh wait, one year he surprised me with a gift certificate for a massage at a local day spa. I wasn't expecting that, and it led to my eventual attendance of massage therapy school. So that was kind of a big one, and that surprise actually shaped a part of my life in a way. :)

I was surprised when my daughter turned out to be a daughter. I was convinced that I was pregnant with a boy.

Lately I have discovered that I'm often wrong when I interpret people's reactions. It's been a difficult task for me to accept that my predictions / assumptions / interpretations might be incorrect. I take it as a growth stage that I'm in though. It's all part of my master plan to have my life be fluid and just go along for the ride. So maybe I'll start to be surprised more and more...

My Monday

I have someone over at my house. His name is Tommy. Tommy is 5 years old, and he's in Kindergarten. We are having a lot of fun. He ate breakfast, he put on a movie but he's not watching it, and he investigated all my chinese stuff.

We've had discussions about how coffee is a diuretic, how chinese calligraphers perform their craft, about Buddha, how a flame of a candle goes out when oxygen is removed, and bacon and sausages.

And his dad dropped him off.

Tommy thinks this is good, and we should publish it now. :)

(I'm watching him for a friend today, and we're having fun talking. This kid is very well spoken so I enjoy our chats. I'm forming another thought to blog about, but this was fun for us to do together...)

Celeste

I'm looking for a camera.

Today was a day for doing chores; deep cleaning the bathroom, touching up in the kitchen, vacuuming the living room and stairs, folding laundry, and getting rid of the gigantic DI pile in the bedroom. I'm not a cleaning person. I avoid it. But today just felt like a good day to get things respectable. It gave me quiet time, time to get some thinking in. Alone-time with La, shall we say.

Recently I was looking through my box of pictures, and I came across one of me, my brother, and my mom in the airport, returning from Argentina. So while I was busy scrubbing the bathroom floor today, my thoughts drifted back to that particular trip.

My parents took me there when my brother (Montgomery Q) was done with his 2 yr. LDS mission. It was the kind of vacation that I like: part relaxed interaction with natives, and part site-seeing. Montgomery Q took us to meet many of the Mormon families he knew in the area. These people were humble and gracious and fed us until we couldn't walk. We were greeted with kisses, we parted with kisses, they hugged us over and over again. I was 16 years old, and I knew I was in love with this country.

At one house (I believe their name was Jouinsse), we had a game night with some of their friends and other missionaries. I remember a young girl, about my age, who vied to be on my team. She couldn't speak English very well, maybe just a few words. Her name was Celeste. She had beautiful blue eyes with long eyelashes, and short, straight brown hair which she curled under. I didn't know who she was, really, but I was aware that she didn't live at that house. Maybe a friend of the Jouinsse's daughter, Anna? I'm not sure. She and I laughed awkwardly and enjoyed the game (Pictionary en Español) without understanding each other's comments.

The next day was Sunday and my family attended Sacrament meeting there in Libertad. Celeste came and sat by me, holding my hand. We Utah Mormons were a novelty for the ward, so they asked us to stand and bear our testimonies, while my brother translated for us. I bawled my eyes out. The "spirit" was strong that day.

Afterwards, we said our goodbyes in the lobby of the church, hugging our host family and shaking the hands of, yep, I think everyone in the ward. I remember a large person stepping out of the way, and there behind him I saw Celeste. She was looking at me with her blue eyes and they were welling up with tears. She approached me, threw her arms around my neck, and we hugged while her tears spilled. I wiped a tear from her cheek with my thumb. She shyly giggled and broke her gaze at last. We held hands and gave each other knowing looks. (But what were we knowing? That's what I'd like to know.)

And then we left. I've never exchanged letters with her, I've never seen her since.

Now I'm looking for a camera, because remembering that experience makes me never want to be without a camera.

Making Sense Out of Nonsense

I don't post much about religion or Mormons these days, but AzEx' conversation with a Christian apologist got me thinking.

It's amazing how illogical it all sounds to me now. All of it! I'm trying to figure out when/how I switched to such a scientific way of thinking about things. Here is a list of things that I find to be complete nonsense:

* SomeONE being responsible for the creation of the earth/universe

* Mary being a virgin, yet conceiving a child

* Jesus' entire purpose (to come to earth and teach men the way back to their "father", and dying for our sins and being our salvation. I might have to make a separate post about this one...)

* Christianity is only the third or fourth largest religion, and still they think they've got all the answers

* Jesus bleeding from every pore and bearing everyone's sins. Everyone's sins. All billions of us. And, he bore ALL the sins. So we're talking astronomical amounts of sins he "bore". Uh-huh.

* Striving each and every day for something more, something in the future, something unknown or unseen. How great would the world be if we all would strive to live in the Present?? (This reminds me of a sign I saw in the Provo city building, when I was there to pay for a parking ticket. It read: The past is just history, The future is a mystery, Each day is a gift, That's why we call it the "present")

* That any entity can define happiness, marriage, the afterlife, or morality for anyone else and call it absolute. Preposterous.

I can't think of anything else off the top of my head. Got anything else that seems completely illogical to you? Please share! :)

What it was like for me without my phone this past Mon-Wed

My heart starts pounding. I can feel my palms sweating, even though my hands are cold. "Am I missing a call from my daughter's school? A text from my friend? A potential job interview?" Questions race through my head. Fears escalate. Frantically, I hope beyond hope that my sister is home from work today and on her computer. I need to go to her house, I think. I need to get to a phone.

I pack the kids into the mini-van. My daughter is bewildered because she had only gone out to play not long before. "Mommy, you said I could play...! Where are we going?"

"Mommy needs to get to a phone, honey. We're going to your Aunt's house. I gotta make some calls," is the only response I am coherent enough to formulate.

I crank the music for distraction, and get carried away in Les Miserables. "There's a grief that can't be spoken. There's a pain goes on and on. Empty chairs at empty tables, where my PHONE is dead and gone...," I sing. Oh NO! I can't escape the madness. Switch songs.

"Take my hand, and lead me to salvation! Take my love, for love is everlasting. And remember the truth that once was spoken: To love another person is to see the face of god!" Whew! I make it through that song. No tears, no heartache.

Moments later we're at my sister's. I get on her phone and call my husband. He's working on the situation, and encourages me to find the dipstick who's screwing us over and kick him, HARD. I have a new task, an address, a phone number for the dipstick. I have focus. I'm on a mission. I proceed with my duties diligently. With the help of my sister's phone I actually speak with the dipstick. He's apologetic yet also makes excuses. My children are witness to sailor-speak. They wonder why their mommy has such an animalistic glaze in her eyes.

Dipstick promises payment and I settle down. The fury retreats, and I'm left with the return of the anxiety. Later in the evening I feel beaten down, broken. "I'm never gonna get my phone turned back on," I lament. The night before me seems long and unending.

Just at a moment when I actually am not looking at the phone, I hear the Arrested Development theme song play. What? Where? HUH?!? That's my phone! What's going on? I search desperately, finding my phone within the folds of my blanket. It's my husband calling me! And with that, he saves the day. The phone is back on. The anxiety from before completely washes away, that quickly. I'm at peace. "Come with me, where chains will never bind you. All your grief, at last, at last behind you..." :)

Picture This (cause damnit I didn't have my camera):

I'm sitting here laptopping, blogging, emailing etc. I hear clinking in the kitchen so I decided I better get up and go check it out.

My nearly 2 yr old son is wearing only a diaper and standing on a chair he must've dragged across the kitchen to the counter. He has an open sippy cup in one hand and a pot of coffee in the other. I watch as he finishes pouring coffee into his sippy cup, sets down the pot, gets the lid, and starts to screw it into place. I tried to grab my camera but it doesn't have a memory card in it. :(

That kid in incorrigible! I swear...

White rectangle against the black night

It's an ungodly hour, and here I post. Watch out for low-flying random topics.

Spelling. Amongst my friends, I am known as two things: a Tequila Snob (meaning I can only stand high-end stuff. No Cuervo for me, no thank you!) and a Spelling Snob. Let's discuss...

I don't spell correctly all the time. Sometimes I mix usages; for example, recently I used pour instead of poor. For the life of me, I have to consciously speak out loud words like "they're" (they are) or "definitely" (de-finite-ly).

What does proper spelling say to me though? It shows careful thought, it shows appreciation for language, it shows validation of one's education. I hereby embrace that I'm a Spelling Snob. So be it! I probably come across as arrogant to my friends. Oh well. I just appreciate fine spelling, and if that makes me conceited, I can deal.

Recently I have come up with Reasons to Stay in Utah. On the one hand, it's a relief because moving is always a pain. But on the other hand, it's very sad to me. I was dead set on high-tailing it out of here! I'm seeing some benefits to staying, though, and they've been occupying a large chunk of my thought scheme of late.

We haven't gotten any of our Halloween decorations out. We haven't purchased pumpkins for carving. Halloween is fast approaching, and I have yet to even acknowledge it. It's the 17th already?!? Sheesh.

There's some dog barking in the neighborhood. I wonder what his deal is? Doesn't he know he should be asleep? I also just heard the furnace turn on. Or rather, the air coming out of the ducts. It's getting chilly here at night, so we've had to use the furnace or our body parts will flash freeze and shatter when we roll out of bed at 7 am. I HATE 7 am. But I've mentioned that before.

"Lord let us out of this hall full of mirrors
Make it all clearer
Dont let us fall
In the middle of the night..."

-Jimmy Buffett Middle of the Night

Dave Took This...

"Next Time, Don't Wear Flip-Flops. "

This was taken at Cedar Breaks on Saturday afternoon.

"Why Don't I Live on the East Coast? Because God Lives in Southern Utah, That's Why."

This was taken just south of St. George at about 5 pm.

Christy's Elbow

Oh yes. Don't doubt me. Your elbow haunts the archives of my blog from this day forward.

I've Been Tagged!!

SML tagged me!!! Sorry I took a decade to realize, but you're right, I totally want to play...

3 smells that I love:
· pumpkin pies baking in the oven
· hot apple cider
· my mango lotion

3 smells that I hate:
· diapers and wipes (clean or dirty)
· eggs
· dog farts (or any farts, for that matter)

3 jobs that I have had in my life:
· phone surveying
· waitressing
· crop insurance underwriter

3 movies that I could watch over and over:
· Fifth Element
· Lord of the Rings trilogy
· Spiderman 1 & 2 (and soon 3 also)

3 fond memories:
· Camping from Astoria, Oregon all the way down the coast to Bend, Oregon.
· Listening to Thunderstruck by AC/DC before softball games
· My brother Dave explaining his college calculus to me while he was doing his homework

3 jobs I would love to have:
· the guy who switched the guitars out for the guitarist in The Killers
· travel writer
· host on Saturday Night Live

3 places I have lived:
· Orem, UT
· Alpine, UT
· Raleigh, NC

3 things I like to do:
· sing, sing, sing
· blog
· hanging with friends AND having sex, but not simultaneously, they just both deserved recognition (or as TLC reminded me, Orgasm should be at the top of this list)

3 of my favorite foods:
· Mexican (It's TACO TIME!!!)
· Sunday dinners at mom's
· Ooh, ooh, baked potatoes with everything on 'em

3 places I would like to be right now:
· Travelling Europe
· Blue Ridge mountains
· anywhere warm, sunny, and lovely

3 websites I visit daily:
· Craig's List
· All y'alls blogs
· Site Meter (my secret has been revealed)

3 things that make me cry:
· Life
· Beauty
· Realizing

3 friends that I am tagging:
· Sideon (welcome back!)
· Rebecca (we live far away because you moved...Remember?)
· JOOM-Amy (where ya been?)

The Power has the Power

Argh! I was just watching V for Vendetta--and loving it--when at the climax of the movie, our power went out. It was just for a moment, but it was long enough to reset our DVD player. That isn't a big deal except I can't find the remote for it, and I can't access the "scene selection" option from the actual player. I think the only thing I can do is rewatch the whole movie and keep hitting "next" until I get to the scene that I was on last.

Why, oh why am I so dependent on a remote? And where the H could it be??

A Love Letter

Ah, sweet blog, with whom I've been apart too long...

Dear My Blog,

You are my sanctuary; one tiny corner of the universe where I am at the center. You expect nothing from me, and without guilt I can give to you as little or as much as I have to give. You are a solice in a world full of compromise.

You don't get upset with me when things don't work out your way. You don't take every word I use, and turn them against me. You don't make fun of me. You never tell me to be anything other than who I am. You hear my complaints, and just by your listening I am able to work through my problems. You allow me to sort through the mess in my brain, and never insist that I'm hurting you or imposing myself onto you.

You go with the flow. You are reasonable and rational, and you take things as they come. You help me to realize that my happiness is dependant on no one but myself. You are a reflection of me, my best and worst moments, and yet I don't feel judged.

Dear My Blog, I'm lucky to have you as a source of comfort. You are an oasis to me, as I traverse the barren, lonesome deserts of life. I thank you.

Your sincere friend,

La

Tequila--a Friday Funny

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmecist about tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness, and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything! You'll notice the benefits of tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you'll discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding, and start living, with tequila!

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use tequila. However women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, drymouth and a desire to sing karaoke, and play all night rounds of strip poker, truth or dare and naked twister.

Warning: the consumption of alcohol may make you think you're whispering when you're not; is a major factor in dancing like a retard; may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you're in love with them; also may cause you to think you can sing. Alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. Alcohol may make you think that you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. It may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people; and it may lead you to think that people are laughing with you. Alcohol may cause pregnancy, and it also may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

So what are you waiting for? Stop hiding, and start living, with tequila!!

To Rebecca: Let's Chat over Blogs

No, actually, I didn't know that the immaculate conception was talking about Mary's conception. Okay, so her mother and father were mortal, and so by right she should've been stained with Original Sin. But she wasn't. Her soul was pure.

And what I was referring to in my last post is called Virgin Conception, or Incarnation, referring specifically to Jesus Christ. I still would love to see how that worked!!

I'm learning lots about things in which I do not believe! :)

Say a little prayer for me, yeah, yeah!

Something happened to me last night which hasn't happened in well over a year.

I was getting ready for bed, thinking about the day, thinking about life. I thought about how a friend of ours is going out of town for the weekend, and before I knew it, this thought popped into my head: "Please, God, bless ____ to have a safe flight, and find peace in his life."

I didn't always say my prayers at night. I didn't like kneeling beside the bed, and I didn't like such a physical display of humility. *insert judgement here* But what I did do, however, was keep constant prayers in my head. I would "converse" with God in my head all the time. The idea of there existing someone who could read my mind, know my thoughts, always bugged me. But I would tuck away that negativity and I learned to embrace the God In My Brain.

After I lost my belief in the truth of the LDS church, I applied the same questions to my belief in Jesus and God themselves. I couldn't prove their existence or divinity, which is the only way I would believe. At this point I'd need God himself to descend his throne and show me exactly how that immaculate conception worked. (heehee, I'm so dramatic!)

And now we've reached the Point of this post: It was easy for me to get that god out of my brain. I stopped attributing my OWN thoughts to him. I've learned that any conversations were with myself. So, last night, I threw myself for a loop when I realized what I was saying. It was foreign and strange to me. I had to shake my head and say, "Huh??"

I'm not worried about it though. The energy behind prayer is valid, and I do wish my friend peace. It was just a moment of weirdness, and the best thing to do about those is to blog about them! :) Happy Thursday, friends!

Monday October 11, 1999

Seven years ago exactly (about 10 am EST) I was headed down to the hospital in Raleigh NC because I had an amnionic fluid leak, and my doctor told me he wanted to check it out. I was 1 day overdue with my first baby. The doctor took an ultrasound, but the baby was too big to determine the gender. He thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and induce me, just to be on the safe side regarding the leak.

So I walked from his office into the hospital and checked in. The nurse started me on nubane, which is a narcotic. I didn't know this at the time about myself, but narcotics + me = sleep. I spent most of the day in a half-asleep catatonic state. They had also started me on a pitocin drip, which makes contractions come hard and strong. Ouchies. But I was drugged up, so mostly I was just annoyed that this Pain kept waking me out of my stupor. I requested an epidural.

Well that worked. No pain, relaxing sleep, I was a happy camper.

Within 12 hours of driving to see the doctor that morning, I was pushing my first child out of my body. A living being came from inside me. WEIRD! Eric was standing on my right side, watching the whole thing. I could feel enough to know when the baby was out, and the doctor declared, "It's a GIRL!" I looked at Eric who had tears streaming down his face. They placed my daughter on my chest, all yucky and covered in gook, and I met my little tiny sweet girl for the first time.

Eric called his parents, who were bowling that night with their league. He talked to his mom, and told her it was a girl. This was the first girl on their side of the family, so I could hear her squeal in delight. She yelled to my father-in-law "It's a GIRL!!!" and I could hear him shout hooray in the background. They were at the hospital within the hour to see their baby granddaughter.

Today that wonderful girl is 7. She's on a field trip with her first grade class. She can tie her shoes, has beautiful handwriting, and she loves to give hugs and kisses. She likes to read. She loves to ride her bike. She's growing up before our eyes; she's no longer the helpless little bundle, all wrapped up in her blanket and warm. She's getting so big! :)

Alex Took This...

Why don't I live in the sticks like La? Because stuff happens downtown, that's why!

From Dave:

Last Wednesday we went to see the silent movie "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" down at the SL Library. This wasn't the 1941 version with Spencer Tracy, but the 1920 silent feature with Drew Barrymore's grandfather, John Barrymore. A pop/synth group out of Boston called Devil Music Ensemble performed their new score live along with the movie.

Alex loves the library and was enchanted by the feel of the atrium at night. Here's his vision. Its called "Why don't I live in the sticks like La? Because stuff happens downtown, that's why!"

Here's my review of the movie: Less hamming, more talking. That would be nice.

Here's my review of the score: Spooky, enthralling. Omit the movie, and this would have been an ASS-kicker of a concert.

My Own Personal Magic

I inhale deeply. My breath levels out, my heart rate slows, I'm ready. I place my hands on this warm, breathing, alive body before me. Initial contact. Touch. It's the most intimate experience a human can have, and it's in my control. I'm responsible for this person. I connect with this person on a level which many humans never get to enjoy.

My hands on a person's back. The feeling is warm, sometimes hot, and slippery. Spreading lotion across a person's bare skin. Learning their curves, bumps, anatomy. Their body is speaking to me, through my fingertips. I'm feeling where they hold their pain. I'm feeling where their body needs attention. I'm feeling their emotions, history, their life through my hands.

For example, much of my time might be spent between their shoulder blades and also on their shoulders. Tightness in those areas tells me about their insecurities, their self-image. Slouching, rolling the shoulders forward, hanging the head are all manifestations of poor self-esteem. I can sense this just by touching, my hands exploring their muscles.

Massage is part science, part compassion, part energy. Take away any one of those things and a massage will fall short of its potential. If both my partner and I (because that is what a client truly is: a partner in healing) approach a massage understanding all three aspects, open to possibility, magic can happen.

Acute injuries can heal more quickly. Old chronic pains can dissipate without medication. Abuses of all kinds can be addressed and released. But more common is the feeling of calm and peace we both feel throughout our time together. We've connected. We've shared, likely without saying many words. It's magic, and it's magic that I've personally been honored to experience.

Song of the Day

Wishing You Were Here
by Alison Moyet

I can't begin to tell you how it feels,
It's a clear blue sky.
Out here, my heart so full it's fit to burst,
Just counting the hours

Oh such a long way gone
How to share a day.
Here's my only way
Send myself to you.

Wishing you were here
Wishing you were here

I can't begin to tell you where I've been,
It's a world behind.
And if we are to find our heaven here
We just have to look harder.

Now I can see you
I never could before.
Now I want nothing more
When I close my eyes.

Wishing you were here
Wishing you were here

Oh such a long way gone
How to share a day.
Here's my only way
When I close my eyes.

Wishing you were here
Wishing you were here

I can't begin to tell you how it feels.

My Halloween Costume

Okay, here's my criteria. I don't want to spend much money. I like having my face painted, as opposed to masks. I like my eyes to look wicked-cool. I really like the picture of Siouxsie and the Banshees on Sideon's blog. Check out her eyes!!!

Christy will be at the same party as me, so I can't go as Satine. Not that I have any disillusions that I could ever come remotely close to looking as good as Nicole Kidman! (Christy, you'll look stunning, so go for it!!!)

I'm leaning towards some kind of cat-theme. OOH OOH, I should dress up like one of the characters in Cats. Or at least paint my face like that... *swooning at the possibilities*

K so help me think of how to get a cheap costume that's at least half-way between pathetic and fabulous.

Just Shootin the Shite

What's the name of that one movie? The one with Audrey Hepburn, where's she's blind and she lives in London (maybe?) and a guy comes into her house to kill her. But then she turns out the lights to the house, because that will make it hard for him to maneuver and she'll have the advantage, but then he opens up the fridge, and uses the fridge light to find her. But then she unplugs the fridge. What's that one called??

I was thinking about that movie today because of my freaky friend Matt who looks scary with blue lights (specifically the hot tub lights) shining on his face. And since he can freak me out fairly easily, I was thinking of that movie because it freaks me out. But I'm not blind. And Audrey saves the day, so it turns out fine for her.

Speaking of turning out fine, I need to think of a Halloween costume. I've never really been into dressing up for Halloween. One year I painted my face in the same markings that my Siberian Husky, Sam, had. Then I put my hair in 2 ponytails, to represent ears. It was pretty cute.

Since then, though, I haven't gone out of my way to dress up. This year I really ought to put forth some effort. I like doing things that involve exotic or complex make-up. I used to do make-up for the plays in high school. I was pretty good, and I really liked the fantasy stuff. My favorite make-up I ever did was for the play A Midsummer Night's Dream. I got to paint all the cool designs on the fairies.

Speaking of make up, that's the best part of fighting, wouldn't you agree?

So to conclude: Scary movies + make up = ramblings on a Sunday evening... :)

Memories of Cold

Hurricanes, tornadoes, blizzards, drought, rain so heavy you can't see the hood of your car, multiple feet of snow, and more...

I've experienced a lot of weather phenomena. When I moved to North Carolina after high school, my love of weather was heightened because it's so different from Utah. One winter we were hit by a Noreaster, which dumped 2 feet of snow on the Triangle area in a very short period of time. That part of the country becomes paralyzed in snow. Everything shuts down. Roads stay slick and treacherous for days. When the threat of snow is forecasted, grocery stores get a mad rush of pour poor souls buying bread, milk, beer, peanut butter and other essentials. I used to think it was ludicrous, but soon realized that I better do the same, or I would be hurting in the aftermath.

Freezing Rain is a weather occurance that both fascinates me and scares me. I had never experienced it before moving to North Carolina. Freezing rain is rain that freezes right before impact. It creates the most spectacular sites! Power lines become draping valances. Trees bend under the weight of ice. Roads glisten in the sunlight. The world is a frozen, crystal canvas...

Beautiful though it is, the ice creates BIG problems. Transformers blow, power lines snap in two, and trees fall. Driving on a sheet of ice is one of the hardest things I've ever done. And it's cold!!! When the power goes out (as it most likely will) the temperature in the house drops fast. Firewood is a must-have. It was during a freezing rain storm that we would have family campouts around our fireplace. None of us were very warm, but it was an adventure!

Lesson I learned from living in NC: Mother Nature must be respected. This world is a curious and wonderful playground!

Things That Make Me Happy

(a great idea that Sister Mary Lisa came up with...may all our lists be as long as hers!)

I had started a post earlier about birthdays, since we have a lot coming up in our family, but it turned into a pity party. So I decided to give myself a kick in the behind and recognize the GOOD things in life.

Hugs and kisses from my kids, preferrably with tickles and giggles

Soaking in the hot tub under a star-filled sky

Catching up with old friends

Singing at the top of my lungs in the car, shower, at the bar, or anywhere, really

Wading in a stream

Dragonflies

Seeing Timpanogos out my living room window every day

Campfires

Eating out, anytime, anywhere (well, almost anywhere!!)

Going out to someplace where I get to dress up (plays, musicals, symphonies, etc)

Pop Secret Homestyle popcorn, chocolate covered cherries, Lucky Charms, sweet tea, Carolina BBQ, pizza, Char-Grill cheeseburgers

Massages and Pedicures

Great tunes (Depeche Mode is my current obsession)

Delicious smelling lotions, nail polish, make-up, new shoes, new clothes

There's a Point in here somewhere, trust me...

7 am is brutal. I'm not sure what it is about that specific time, but I don't like it. Oh wait, I just figured it out:

When you wake up at 6 am you know you're getting up early, so your brain is prepared for grogginess. When you wake up at 8 am you've had a full night's sleep (most likely) so your brain is at its earliest point of full wakefulness. But at 7 am? Your brain is confused. It's early enough (and still dark out, for now) that your brain wants you to stay in bed. But it's late enough that you know the day is starting, and so you feel like maybe you should get up. It's guilt, grogginess, and a severe want for your bed. That's what it is!

So this morning as my daugher was getting ready for school, I was trying to devise ways for her to get ready and get to school all on her own. So I can stay in bed. What??

I decided that what she needs is a little lesson in fashion. Some people are born with a natural fashion sense. My niece had usurped her right to choose for herself by the age of 2! My daughter does not have this fashion-sense trait. Her only criteria for clothing is that it has to be clothing, and the tag can't itch. She and her dad come up with the same mismatched outfits, so neither of them have "picking out" privileges. I need to put together a short list of fashion MUSTS, that my almost-7 yr old can comprehend and implement. Here's what I have so far:

* Pick out your bottoms first, because you have less of those. Find a shirt next, based on your choice of bottoms.

* Jeans go with nearly EVERY top you have. Only choose a blue top as your last choice, but even still, blue would go with jeans.

* If it hurts to wear it, it's too little. If your tummy is hanging out, it's too little. If it's too little, do NOT put it back in your drawer. Throw it in the DI pile. (YES I still support the church. Sue me.)

* Socks matter least. If you can't find the right color, just grab any color. (ok, you see how fashionable her mama really is!)

Now here's what I'm wondering. Is there a way (chart, game, etc) to teach her which colors DO NOT go together? I mean, orange and blue are fine if you're a Bears fan, but for a 7 yr old girl??? Yikes...

Dave ('s camera) Took This...

Week 3 It's so tragic when you have to settle on the family pic. The boy was in no mood to get his picture taken, so this one of him sitting and semi-smiling/semi-freaking-out was rare in the batch we have. My nephew who took it (a different nephew) offered to photoshop my face off and put a different one in its place. Eh, I don't care that much... But I really should've lightened it up before posting it. OH WELL. I had to resize it too, because it was taken in raw format, so the original is HUGE. Kinda like my mouth!! :)

This is a neat (?) double exposure picture which Dave wanted to be this weeks contribution. So, since this is HIS feature, I'll post it. It's sort of philosophical...

And on the first day, there was rest.

The weekend was fun. It feels like we were constantly on the go, though. Today we'll sit back, relax, and not concern ourselves with the world outside our house. Okay, but to be fair, my family always spontaneously comes up with things, so my plans of nothing might just go awry.

Here's a question I ask just to humor myself. But I DO expect a reply! *angry eyebrows*

If you were God, or had god-like omnipotence, what would you change about THIS day? This one, right now?

Discuss.

Counting down...

There is 40 minutes until the afternoon session of gen conf. Okay so we're totally playing a drinking game while watching it. Who's with me??? :)

Black Celebration

Crappy picture taken by my temporary replacement phone.

This represents only part of what's left of my phone. There are probably another 4 or 5 pieces which Eric is trying to pull information off of.

So here we meet to honor the short life of my LG. It's been through a lot with me this past year. It's been present and witnessed joy, pain, drunkenness, love, boredom, and so many more experiences. It's rainbow lights flashed with every phone call or text message it received. Those rainbow lights always made me smile. The vibrate function made me smile too, and its' power is unmatched (Get your mind out of the gutter!! Our relationship was strictly plutonic.).

I'm sure I'll love my upgrade phone too, eventually. But it will never be the same as this one.

Rest in peace (or in pieces!) in the trash, sweet LG. You'll never be forgotten.

Well, shit...

I love my cell phone. My cute little LG with the rainbow lights. My cute pictures. My cute saved/locked text messages. My cute videos of the baby swan-diving off the couch onto some pillows. And videos of other stuff too *cough* which I won't go into detail about. It's all very precious to me, vain though it may be.

I seriously get panicky when I don't have it. After visiting my brother's house this evening, I realized that I didn't have it. I couldn't go back over there because the kids were in bed. So I had Eric go over there after he got off work. He and my brother looked all around the house for it. They couldn't hear it ringing, and they scoured the place in search of it.

So here's what they found: my cute little rainbow-lighted phone in several pieces on the road in front of his house. Like, irrepairable. Like, gone. I'm physically depressed about this... Time for chemical solace.

Things To Do On a Friday Night: The Sequel

I've had 4, FOUR, separate hits tonight of people who googled the words "what to do on a friday night". I figure it's my duty to help these poor, bored souls out... These have all been tried and tested by ME!

*Take a friend and stuff them into the trunk of your car. Do it in a highly conspicuous area, and make sure their hands/feet are hog-tied, and there's sufficient duct tape on their mouth. Make sure other people see your struggle. Drive away laughing your guts out and yelling "You better shut it back there!!"

*Take rolls and rolls of butcher paper up to your local mountain/hill and use it to spell the initial of your preferred college. Anchor it down with rocks or else it'll blow away.

*Dumpster Diving. 'Nuff said.

*Skinny dipping, hiking, or possibly streaking, though make sure you don't get arrested.

*Billboard dancing. Climb up on the billboard of your choice and dance away. This might possibly get you arrested too, so be careful.

*Drive to somewhere with legalized gambling. Here in UT we'd go to Wendover, NV or Mesquite, NV. Don't take any money. Hit on the hottest guy you've ever known, and spend the night in his hotel room with him. Remember his name and his Armani suit 10+ years later. *sigh*

*Hop fences into peoples back yards and use their hot tubs. Although, now as a homeowner with a hot tub, I'd kick your ass if you hopped my fence. So beware and be quiet.

*Sneak into movies.

*Get hypnotized on stage by a comedian. Make ass of self.

*Karaoke. Any time, anywhere, anybody. Ah, sweet karaoke. My friend.

Ok well if you haven't figured out something to do by now, I don't think I can help you much. Take special note here: none of these things involve alcohol, and most of them will get you into trouble. Be well...go forth...

Jealousy

Since Chanson and I are going to fight over JLO, I decided I'd talk about my shortcomings over here, instead of hogging her comment space.

Regarding my earlier post about certain beliefs I have, there's another subtopic I want to discuss. I said, "The way I interpret others' actions is based on my own life experiences and insecurities, and is therefore biased." This is something I really have to tell myself over and over again, because I've found that I'm somewhat of a jealous person. I guess I always have been, but I've never acknowledged it until recently.

I don't get jealous in the sense of envy or bitterness; I don't guard things vigilantly; I'm not jealous like "god", intolerant of disloyalty or unfaithfulness. So how am I jealous?? I found the definition of jealous that best describes me, and it most certainly has to do with my insecurities:

"Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position."

I suppose I feel like I'm easily replaceable, not so very unique, and teetering precariously on the edge of oblivion. In my logical mind I know that no one else can make these feelings disappear. I know that I have to find validation within myself. This is something I seek, every day. Self-worth. I seek the voices inside myself that tell me I'm a rockin lady on my own merits, not by borrowed qualities.

So there you go! How's that for an insightful peek into La...and all that entails? (sorry to borrow your creativity, Rebecca! ;-))

Thoughts about Life: part 1

I believe that "god" is a collective energy. Humanity. In the musical Les Miserables it says: "To love another person is to see the face of god." I believe this is true in a figurative sense. When we love others, we are most plugged into Humanity. We feel happiness. We are most receptive to feeling the collective energy of those around us.

I believe that we as humans have no pre-set purpose for existing. "Why are we here?" is a moot, generalized question. Why does that deer exist up there on that mountain? Why did that serf exist in 1344? Irrelevent, all of it. We are part of the circle of life, just the same as billions of humans before us, just the same as all living things. And so, because I have no specific guideline or reason for existing (other than simply "I exist"), I set for myself a purpose. And that purpose is to experience all walks of life and culture. My self-determined reason for existence is to find and cherish the Best of Humanity. (subtopic for another time: how to define the "Best of Humanity")

I believe that I am responsible for my own actions. I can choose to do something, or not choose it, and my reasons are my own. The way I interpret others' actions is based on my own life experiences and insecurites, and is therefore biased. The way others interpret my actions is based on their own life experiences and insecurities, and is therefore biased. No one can truly and exactly understand another human being. But I find I'm most at peace with myself and am positively connected to the collective energy of Humanity when I'm actively engaged in trying to understand others. I believe that relationships are most functional when the parties involved care enough to put themselves into their partner's place and look at things from their point of view. It's a journey, a path, but one without destination. Just walking the path of Trying To Understand is courageous and speaks volumes as to one's priorities.

I believe that attacking others based on your own personal preferences or opinions of how life ought to be is destructive and counterproductive. I believe to do so actually pulls one further from Humanity, and creates a harder time of plugging back in.

The Interview

We didn't think we would survive the trip, I have to admit that much. We had been gone from the house for nearly 2 hours when we remembered that both of us forgot to pack Eric's suit into the car. There were 2 other major crises, but we made it. Thanks to our dear, amazing friend Sideon and to Eric's sweet, generous family, we really were able to enjoy our short trip to the East Bay.

The interview went well, according to Eric. It's for a company that does construction project management in the Bay Area. They are looking for someone who can do most everything, especially brochure writing/marketing. Eric is the type of person who would be able to do ANYTHING and do it well. He just has to be given a chance.

So we're waiting to hear. This is the crappy part, for sure. We both really liked the cities we visited, so it would be great if it works out. We'll be sure to keep y'all posted! :)

Dave Took This...

Week 2

Dave was in San Diego this past weekend at the Utah/San Diego State football game. In honor of me also being in California, though not in SoCal, here is this week's picture deluxe, Coronado bridge and all. From Dave:

"Do you know what kicks all ass? The U.S. Naval Fleet. I was told by the San Diego cab driver that this is the USS Kitty Hawk, although I had thought that ship was forward-deployed in Japan right now. If it's true, I kind of feel lucky that it was in port while I was there, as it is an important part of history and still an important part of our fleet. The USS Kitty Hawk is currently the oldest active ship in the U.S. Navy (commissioned in 1961), and it is also the most decorated. This is taken with a very long zoom across the harbor but I hope you get a sense of the size of this thing."

Ping! Oh no, depth charges!