Thursday, April 19, 2007

Cold and empty

I browsed some blogs today for the first time in weeks. WEEKS! I used to be on my blog for at least half my day, reading, posting, being altogether obsessed. What happened?? During this time, one of the hardest of my life, I chose to isolate myself from all things familiar. Blog, friends, family, you name it. The only problem is, I miss it all. I miss my life.

Six months ago, I left my husband (thanks to Christy for being brave and reminding me that there's not really a need to be "hush-hush") . We haven't finalized our divorce yet, but we're slowly getting there. Mostly, we just have busy lives and haven't set time aside to arrange all the details.

I went from being a full-time stay-at-home mom to working 2 part time jobs and still trying to juggle the kids' lives with mine. I live in my mom's basement, and my social life has plummeted. Last year was all about parties, concerts, hanging out, being with friends. But right now I have a very very small circle of people I regularly talk with. Actually, all but my ex-husband are relatively new in my life.

You know, I'm sure people have their opinions about me. I have made huge mistakes, most of which cause me deep anguish. I am pretty sure I'll never have certain relationships back. And yet, despite the loss, I'm frustrated that no matter how penitent I feel there's nothing I can do to repair what's broken. I'm not perfect, and I'm not the only one who makes mistakes. The best I can offer is growth and understanding and empathy. If it's not enough, well, I guess I need to accept that.

Right now I want to take the bubbly pink template down from my blog and replace it with black. Some days are just really hard, and this is one of those days.

"I told myself I won't miss you, but I remember what it feels like beside you..." -Hinder, Better Than Me

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

We'll do it all,
On our own.
We don't need
Or anyone.
If I lay here,
If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel.
Those three words
are said too much;
they're not enough.
If I lay here,
If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old.
Show me a garden that's bursting into life.
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads.
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own.
If I lay here,
If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old.
Show me a garden that's bursting into life.
All that I am,
All that I ever was,
Is here in your perfect eyes;
They're all I can see.
I don't know where;
Confused about how, as well.
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all.
If I lay here,
If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Friday, April 06, 2007

Ramble, ramble...

I just have a few minutes until I have to go into work. My other work. That's right, I'm now the proud owner of two (2) part-time jobs. The scheduling with who's watching my son has been a beast, but so far it's worked out fairly well.

I have a cat named Boo and he's freakin awesome. He's big and strong, but he's a lover boy. He's certainly mellowed out in this past year, but he still eats food off the counter (which is why the bread is now stored in the cabinet). Just a minute ago he was sitting on the table staring out the window. Why does a cat stare so intently? And why don't his eyes dry out, thereby requiring a blink? All valid questions.

Cats are pretty cool. They're like a total mystery. And they just don't give a shit about anyone.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

"She will be loved" -Maroon 5

All these phrases keep flashing in my head these days. Take the title of my blog post, for instance, which is the name of a song . Another one:

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love, and be loved in return." -Moulin Rouge


"You have to figure out what really, truly makes you happy and chase it......Chase it your whole life." -my friend Laura

I have a lot of growing yet to do in life. This past year has been one of HUGE changes and experiences which I never expected. I'm still trying to discover who I am. Will I ever get there? Does anyone ever know who they are? Who am I? Well, let's see what I think, and what I've learned.

* First, I'm the youngest of six children, and I was raised as a Mormon.
* I enjoyed school and was pretty smart, but decided to slack in high school.
* I love to laugh.
* I am often stubborn.
* I like to watch and play sports, but I'm not very active in general.
* I had way too many sexual experiences, way too young in life. Because of this, I've recently discovered that sex is sort of a control thing for me. I have come to realize that it's possible for me to reliquish control, but when I do I feel very vulnerable.
* I hate to feel vulnerable, but that doesn't mean I won't let myself do it.
* I am capable of hurting someone deliberately
* I don't hold on to things. I like to confront things head on, and when I get resolution, it's gone. Vanished. I let things go. I don't hold grudges. It's not very often that I internalize things.
* I believe that we're all intertwined as human beings. I believe in energy, positive and negative. And with that, I believe in some form of karma.
* My greatest desire in life is to be with someone I'm crazy about, and have them be crazy about me at the same time. It always has been my greatest desire.

I'm sure I know other things about myself, but I can't think of any more right now. I'm trying to find reasons for my behavior, reasons for my reactions, in an effort to correct things that don't bring me happiness. Either correct them, or learn to accept them.