Thursday, April 19, 2007

Cold and empty

I browsed some blogs today for the first time in weeks. WEEKS! I used to be on my blog for at least half my day, reading, posting, being altogether obsessed. What happened?? During this time, one of the hardest of my life, I chose to isolate myself from all things familiar. Blog, friends, family, you name it. The only problem is, I miss it all. I miss my life.

Six months ago, I left my husband (thanks to Christy for being brave and reminding me that there's not really a need to be "hush-hush") . We haven't finalized our divorce yet, but we're slowly getting there. Mostly, we just have busy lives and haven't set time aside to arrange all the details.

I went from being a full-time stay-at-home mom to working 2 part time jobs and still trying to juggle the kids' lives with mine. I live in my mom's basement, and my social life has plummeted. Last year was all about parties, concerts, hanging out, being with friends. But right now I have a very very small circle of people I regularly talk with. Actually, all but my ex-husband are relatively new in my life.

You know, I'm sure people have their opinions about me. I have made huge mistakes, most of which cause me deep anguish. I am pretty sure I'll never have certain relationships back. And yet, despite the loss, I'm frustrated that no matter how penitent I feel there's nothing I can do to repair what's broken. I'm not perfect, and I'm not the only one who makes mistakes. The best I can offer is growth and understanding and empathy. If it's not enough, well, I guess I need to accept that.

Right now I want to take the bubbly pink template down from my blog and replace it with black. Some days are just really hard, and this is one of those days.

"I told myself I won't miss you, but I remember what it feels like beside you..." -Hinder, Better Than Me


Rebecca said...

I still think you're cool.

Anonymous said...

Many times there is no way to "repair" relationships that have been damaged. The thing to do is to express regret and move forward.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Hi La, I'm sorry I've been bad at keeping up with all my blogs too.

A few thoughts...

1. Just what the hell's wrong with a BLACK BACKGROUND on a blog???

2. Change is a given in this life, so embrace it and don't worry that you are in a different place than you were a year ago. That is happening with every single one of us.

3. You're a great person and the fact that you admit you've made mistakes you regret speaks volumes about you...if you had made the mistakes without remorse or worry, then it just wouldn't be the you I've come to really like.

Just one of many said...

EVERYONE screws up. It's called life lessons. Too bad most lessons inflict pain upon us and the ones we love. I wish you the best! NO judgements past here! Seems like I'm floating (or sinking) in the same proverbial boat!

Eight Hour Lunch said...

Black backgrounds are swell. Like my black heart. :P