Wednesday, April 04, 2007

"She will be loved" -Maroon 5

All these phrases keep flashing in my head these days. Take the title of my blog post, for instance, which is the name of a song . Another one:

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love, and be loved in return." -Moulin Rouge

or

"You have to figure out what really, truly makes you happy and chase it......Chase it your whole life." -my friend Laura

I have a lot of growing yet to do in life. This past year has been one of HUGE changes and experiences which I never expected. I'm still trying to discover who I am. Will I ever get there? Does anyone ever know who they are? Who am I? Well, let's see what I think, and what I've learned.

* First, I'm the youngest of six children, and I was raised as a Mormon.
* I enjoyed school and was pretty smart, but decided to slack in high school.
* I love to laugh.
* I am often stubborn.
* I like to watch and play sports, but I'm not very active in general.
* I had way too many sexual experiences, way too young in life. Because of this, I've recently discovered that sex is sort of a control thing for me. I have come to realize that it's possible for me to reliquish control, but when I do I feel very vulnerable.
* I hate to feel vulnerable, but that doesn't mean I won't let myself do it.
* I am capable of hurting someone deliberately
* I don't hold on to things. I like to confront things head on, and when I get resolution, it's gone. Vanished. I let things go. I don't hold grudges. It's not very often that I internalize things.
* I believe that we're all intertwined as human beings. I believe in energy, positive and negative. And with that, I believe in some form of karma.
* My greatest desire in life is to be with someone I'm crazy about, and have them be crazy about me at the same time. It always has been my greatest desire.

I'm sure I know other things about myself, but I can't think of any more right now. I'm trying to find reasons for my behavior, reasons for my reactions, in an effort to correct things that don't bring me happiness. Either correct them, or learn to accept them.

3 comments:

montare said...

You probably don't care to hear unsolicited advice from a guy you carpooled to elementary school with, but suck it up anyway cuz here it comes...

First, this post is an example of why I always felt comfortable around you in high school, and why I suspect most people still feel the same way about you. You are refreshingly honest, unpretentious, and just REAL. I don't have the guts to write this kind of stuff privately, let alone hang it out where my friends and family read it.

So on to the unsolicited advice. There is a book called The Color Code that is probably older than we are. It has a personality test that assigns you primary and secondary colors--for example I'm a blue/white which means I'm a judgmental pushover (of if you're thinking positively I'm a devoted peacemaker...)

Anyway the value of the book isn't so much that you get to categorize yourself and others you know (though that can be pretty fun), it's that the book explains the primary motivations for different personality types. So if you're trying to pin down reasons for some things you do, it might help.

You can take the personality test online, (thecolorcode.com) but there is only limited feedback and no secondary color assignment. I bet the library has the book.

/Longest comment-from-an-old-friend ever.

Bishop Rick said...

Where was eHarmony.com 10 years ago?

Sister Mary Lisa said...

I like when you list stuff about yourself, La. It's highly interesting. I too often wonder why I do some of the things I do.