Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Middle of the night...argh!

Don't you hate it when you're in a fairly deep sleep, then something wakes you, and you can't get back to sleep? I guess it's 5:20 am, so really I could be getting up. My normal wake time is between 7:30 and 8:30. (I have a toddler; I sleep when he sleeps!!)

So I'm awake really early, and nothing is going through my head. What do you do when that happens? You write a blog entry of course! Perfect arena for writing nothing.

I like Rebecca's idea of writing about things we like. So I'm going to steal it, ok Becca?

I like really good music. I like to sing; in the car, shower, or karaoke. I like X-men (but not really the 3rd one. Bryan Singer, we miss you!). I like Spiderman also. Let's just narrow those down to I like movies. I like looking at hot guys; i.e. Keanu Reeves, Steve Sandvoss, Nicki Hayden (thanks for introducing us, Bull). I like reading, but for some reason lately I haven't been able to concentrate while doing so. I like Mexican food. I like my own chocolate chip cookies (the BEST).

Ok enough of this positivity. Here's some hates: I hate crying. I hate that I cry when I think of my daughter graduating kindergarten tomorrow. I hate my animals, some of the time. I hate having cold feet (and I mean that literally). I hate religious extremism. I hateD garments; thank the lord I'm free of them.

I hope all my blog friends have a terrific Wednesday. Peace!

Saturday, May 27, 2006

A little lesson

Wanting something you can't have. You all know what I'm talking about; we've all experienced that feeling at some point.

Remember when you were a little kid and you just HAD to have the newest trend or the coolest toy? My 6 year old daughter goes through what I call The Process about once a day. At least! The Process is the progression of events from the first "want" idea or visual stimuli all the way to the fateful fight and/or grounding.

I have one rule when I take her to the store, just one: look all you want, but I better not hear you say things like "I want that..." or "Mommy, will you buy me this?" She can say things like "Whoa, that's cool!" or "That would be fun to have!" Just no whining or begging. Usually it works out pretty well, but there's always a "Mommy can we go to McDonalds?" or "I'm bored, can you call my cousins and have them come over?" It's always something. She always wants more. I was probably like that too.

As we grow older the wants become much more complicated, and perhaps at higher costs. We rarely want something just for the sake of having it; usually it's also about how we'll look having the thing we want. Or how we perceive that Thing will make us feel about ourselves.

I see my older nephews and nieces puzzling over how to get what they want; how to save enough money, how to get that guy to call, how to get their parents to let them do stuff. They are starting to rely on themselves to get what they want, as opposed to always depending on someone else.

The complex part of it all is the way we deal when we can't get what we want. Do we act like my 6 year old--crying, whining, calling names? Do we act like my teenage nephews/nieces--getting depressive, angry, taking it out on other people? I've been trying to teach myself to let things go more fluidly. I am a whiner, a crier, and someone who'll get angry and take it out on others. So part of my 'self-discovery' is a realization that I need to go with the flow, take things in stride, and not internalize everything so deeply. I need to be able to say "I can't have that, and I'm ok with it". I'm not a 6 year old anymore; I'm not a teenager. But I am still growing up.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Something I'm working on...

A recent post by Bull from Life in the Fast Lane made me really want to start running. There is an appeal to knowing your body that well. I've always hated running, since I was a young kid. I'm much more of a sport-playing type. Running is too much time spent by myself, inside my head. Maybe that's just what I need!

I'm going to be 30 soon (well someday!) and I decided that 30 would be a good age to finally be proud of myself. If I can somehow start to enjoy running, I think that would be something to be extremely proud of. For me, at least.

I've heard of a program where you run for 1 minute and walk for 3 (actually you could run and then sit for a while, if your fitness level is that poor) but I don't know what it's called. And is there more to it than that? And at what point to you increase your running time? And is that the best way to start?

Friday, May 19, 2006


Why is it that a buzz from beer feels different, more mellow, than a buzz from liquor? I'm sure there's an answer, I just don't know it. All you experts out there may be able to shed some light.

I haven't been drinking beer for very long. I used to say that I'd never get hooked on it. But beer is cheap, and since I go out 1-2 times per week, the liquor was getting too expensive. (Which is why I now very happily allow strange men to buy my drinks!) My friends drink beer, so they would buy a pitcher and invite me to help myself. I started doing that, cause of the cheapness issue, and one day I just started liking it. One day, literally.

Now my idea of fun is sitting outside in the evening and enjoying a cold beer. I mean, iced tea would also be lovely, but it takes more work to make. And the buzz from iced tea just isn't as good. ;)

So someday (let's say at the exmo conference in October) we need to all get together and enjoy a good beer. Like Sideon, I don't need the "recovery" discussions. I just want to meet everyone IRL, and have some good times. What do you say?

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Another Picture

As mom so poignantly stated, I should post a picture of my other love-doll.

Little princess, huh? And she was the best dressed of all of us. I wore a nice shirt and denim capris, and my son just wore a t-shirt and shorts. One of us had to look like we made an effort, I guess!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

What qualifies as "recovered"?

Really. I want to know. Cause I think I might be. Is there a test or something?

In all honesty, I didn't have to talk about my not being LDS. So if my cousins had brought something up, the test would've been my response. They talked about having gone to the temple ceremony, but other than that there wasn't anything mormon brought up.

It was pretty stupid to get worked up for nothing. Sorry! But here's a couple of pictures for your viewing enjoyment:

Notice his "left one" is prominent!
That was for you, JLO.

Me and my love doll...this makes me feel all gooey inside!

Into the Lion's Den

Guess where I get to go? To the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. Lucky me!

My cousin is having a reception there this evening, so my siblings and I are going to head up there together. And mom too. So 5 out of 5 of us will be the black sheep (well 2 are more of a gray tone...) heading straight into the fire.

I haven't stepped foot in a Mormon church in 5 months. One time I had to turn my car around, so I pulled into a church parking lot. That's not really neat, but I acknowledged it in my mind. I've talked with a few Mormon friends about my exit, but they were really supportive, so I didn't feel uncomfortable. Basically what I'm saying is that I haven't been out of my element EVER in regards to my leaving the church. So I wonder what will happen tonight.

This is why I'm glad I'll have my bros and sis with me. There is sure to be loud laughter, and that always calms me down.

What should I wear??? I don't even own a dress anymore. Definately I'll have to wear that awesome bra I got a few weeks ago. That will make me calm too, feeling hot and sexy in a setting where people are supposed to be modest and boring. We'll see...

I'll return and report.

Monday, May 15, 2006

More beauty....

For Mother's Day, we went boating with my sister's family and some friends too. We went to Utah Lake, which is notoriously stinky and murky. I wasn't exactly excited because of my experience at the hot springs and how I couldn't get rid of that smell.

Well it turned out terrific! There were some menacing clouds that cooled us off considerably, but that was the only deterrant. It was such a beautiful day! I was on the boat, in the middle of the lake, looking towards the big mountains in the East. I could clearly see the Provo temple there on the hill. There's nowhere I would have rather been right then, and thinking about it still makes my heart race. Can you imagine if I missed out on the blue sky and majestic mountains, because I chose to sit on a hard bench and dealt with whiney kids? My kids were angels! They would rather be boating too!

Mother's Day at church is a double whammie. The ward usually gives the mothers a single carnation, which is the most stupid and insulting gesture, EVER.

So yeah, I'm constantly finding more peace in my life.

Oh, and I took this picture on my phone while I was at Squaw Peak having some "me" time. Utah is amazing, isn't it. At least the scenery. :)

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


The best thing that I've learned upon exiting Mormonism is that I really can do whatever I feel like. That's it. My time is my time.

One day as I was driving down the road and listening to some sweet tunes, I realized that I want to learn to play guitar. As soon as I had that thought, I felt so many possibilities open up to me. If you've ever read Orson Scott Card's series called The Alvin Maker, you may get what I'm talking about. Like just because of that one thought (which was really a decision, but I didn't know it yet) my future changed. Weird, I know.

So I bought me a guitar (pronounced: GIH-tahr), and with it came 2 free lessons. I wanted to learn so much that I went to my first lesson already knowing the first 3 chords. So the kid (he's 19!) who teaches me was forced to come up with an alternate first lesson. He gave me 3 more chords to learn. That was fun, and by the next week I had finally gotten my fingers used to being all bent in strange ways. But still, it wasn't MUSIC. If I were more creative, I would have taken my 6 chords and made up my own little tune. But I'm not.

So on my second lesson, I told him I was a little bored with chords. He went into full-on hard-core guitar stuff from there. He was talking riffs, tableture, and a couple of different strumming techniques. He played me the song "Santeria" by Sublime, and wrote me out the verse/chorus music. Then he let me go and said, "Here learn this." Ok, he was much more helpful than that, but I was intimidated, for sure!

Do you know what, though? All I need is to practice, and I get better each time. I wish when I was young and my piano teachers and parents were telling me to practice, that I would've understood and heeded their advice. Spilled milk.

So here I am, plucking my way through my first song on the guitar. And do you know where I'm going to end up? Rocking some stage. I have no need to be famous, but I really really want to play locally. And I'm gonna.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Here, try this:

I just made a myspace page. Check it out!