Saturday, August 30, 2008

Who Knew?

When it was crystal clear that my marriage wouldn't work for either of us anymore, I took decisive action. I still wonder to myself, "If I had known how things would play out, would I still have handled the situation the way I did?" The answer is obvious to me. The answer is no. But I can't change history.

The way I handled things hurt people. The way I handled things was abrupt (for those on the outside looking in). I was selfish and arrogant. For those in close proximity, they pitied how trapped we both were, but they could also see us making mistake after mistake. For those a little further removed, they formed their opinions regarding what they knew of the situation and have stuck by those opinions to this day.

Would I have made the same choices if I knew it meant losing friends? Hindsight is definitely 20/20, because I see things from a much different vantage point now. I see friendships that weren't what I thought they were. In my own feisty, need-to-have-control-at-all-times way, I was very naive to others' motives and intents.

Here are some points that need addressing:

* For most of the 10+ years spent together, we had been fooling ourselves. Neither of us had the courage to admit it though.

* My marriage was over (even if only the two of us knew it) before I--quite accidentally--fell in love with another man.

* Most of the pain and hurt I inflicted wasn't intentional. I cannot excuse it, because I am the perpetrator. I am good at justifying things in my mind, and that skill was put into practice a LOT a couple of years ago. But I never set out to hurt anyone. I'm not cruel or vicious; but I am an idiot that gets to live with the consequences of her stupid actions.

* I don't love drama. People always think that I love drama. I do love fairy tales, and THAT is big problem for me. But I don't love drama whatsoever; in fact, quite the opposite, I prefer simplicity.

It's been 2 years since our marriage was crumbling around our feet. We're finally finding balance and hopefully we'll each find our individual bliss. We are parents and friends, and we wish each other the best. The rest, I pray, is water under the bridge now.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Days 10 +

Hey my cut-back-on-caffeine has been going pretty well still. I have let myself drink a couple DDP's here and there, but mostly I've been sticking to water. I still poop out during the late afternoon sometimes, but I've figured out that it only happens when I wake up early that morning (i.e. for work).

Confession #1: I've tried out Caffeine-Free Diet Dr. Pepper. I'm totally ashamed to have wasted my time with it. Why would anyone choose to drink carbonated brown water with aspartame and 35 mg of sodium? It's beyond me. But oh well.

Confession #2: This past week I got a new laptop. I work for HP, so I decided to see what the employee discount was like. I found a pretty good deal, and it's better than anything I have at the moment. This is my first ever computer. MY first ever computer. I'm so in love, it's sick.

Confession #3: I've decided what I want to do with my life. I'm not looking for it to happen this second, but, ultimately, I think I have found the direction I'd like to go. I want to be a bee-keeper. :) No, I'm not crazy. For so many reasons it's the perfect profession for me!! More about this topic to come at a later date.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Day 8 and Day 9

ONE WEEK! I felt great again yesterday. We had some work friends over for a BBQ, and I felt awake and alert the whole time. It was another caffeine-free day, so taking that into consideration, I'm pretty impressed with how it has gone.

Lee has decided he'll give up caffeine too. It's more fun when you have a "buddy" to go through life-changes with. :) He's participating in The Biggest Loser at his work, so I'm going to be his "buddy" through that.

Day 9:

I'm caffeine-free today, but I'm super tired. I think I need to make sure I get a good night's sleep tonight. Hooray for the weekend!