Saturday, August 30, 2008

Who Knew?

When it was crystal clear that my marriage wouldn't work for either of us anymore, I took decisive action. I still wonder to myself, "If I had known how things would play out, would I still have handled the situation the way I did?" The answer is obvious to me. The answer is no. But I can't change history.

The way I handled things hurt people. The way I handled things was abrupt (for those on the outside looking in). I was selfish and arrogant. For those in close proximity, they pitied how trapped we both were, but they could also see us making mistake after mistake. For those a little further removed, they formed their opinions regarding what they knew of the situation and have stuck by those opinions to this day.

Would I have made the same choices if I knew it meant losing friends? Hindsight is definitely 20/20, because I see things from a much different vantage point now. I see friendships that weren't what I thought they were. In my own feisty, need-to-have-control-at-all-times way, I was very naive to others' motives and intents.

Here are some points that need addressing:

* For most of the 10+ years spent together, we had been fooling ourselves. Neither of us had the courage to admit it though.

* My marriage was over (even if only the two of us knew it) before I--quite accidentally--fell in love with another man.

* Most of the pain and hurt I inflicted wasn't intentional. I cannot excuse it, because I am the perpetrator. I am good at justifying things in my mind, and that skill was put into practice a LOT a couple of years ago. But I never set out to hurt anyone. I'm not cruel or vicious; but I am an idiot that gets to live with the consequences of her stupid actions.

* I don't love drama. People always think that I love drama. I do love fairy tales, and THAT is big problem for me. But I don't love drama whatsoever; in fact, quite the opposite, I prefer simplicity.

It's been 2 years since our marriage was crumbling around our feet. We're finally finding balance and hopefully we'll each find our individual bliss. We are parents and friends, and we wish each other the best. The rest, I pray, is water under the bridge now.


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