Why I Am No Longer LDS

I was a sinner and unrepentant, so therefore I lost the Spirit. or... I wasn't a full tithe payer, so I as much as opened the door for Lucifer's influence. or... *insert stereotypical excuse here, because no WAY could it have been rational and/or logical*

I'm happy to tell my story, but it's not one I bring up in regular every day venues. I think I make it fairly clear that I'm not LDS (though I once was), but I don't give the reasoning very often at all. Some new friends have wondered, so I figured it's time to publish my thoughts. I don't think I've done this on my blog before! This is not a light-hearted subject for me, just so you know. As much as I've let Mormonism go, it's still a part of who I am and where I came from. For nearly three years I have truly been in a recovery process, though I'm sure that might be a difficult concept for some of my readers to comprehend.

All throughout my days of being a Latter-Day Saint, there were teachings and doctrines that I accepted just because I should, even though I couldn't really reconcile them in my brain. I knew that a lot of my questions could easily be brushed under the "we don't know the answer yet" rug, or leaving things to "God's plan", which naturally we don't know the full extent of. I was fine with brushing them away. I didn't have to have answers. I was content in the knowledge that someday I would know.

But late in the Spring of 2005, I happened to catch a minute of a Today Show segment, which was an interview with Martha Nibley Beck, the daughter of Hugh Nibley. She was talking about a book she had recently written called Leaving the Saints. In my brain, I wondered why on earth the daughter of Hugh Nibley would leave the Church, then go on to write a book about it. I wanted to know her story, so my sister and I got her book and, without realizing it, began our journey out from among the Saints as well.

The book wasn't much to speak of. She told a story of her father sexually abusing her, and her family ostracizing her when the suppressed memories surfaced. I read it with skepticism, because really, it was her word against her father's. There was one little part of the book that struck me to the core, however. I don't even really remember the context, but she was speaking of things that caused her to leave the Church. All it was that sparked my personal reformation was a reference to the symbols in the Book of Abraham being the same as ones commonly found on funeral papyri in many Egyptians tombs.

What?? I had to know more. Ancient Egypt is a personal fascination of mine, so this didn't feel like I was reading "anti" literature or anything. It felt more like research.

I finished her book with moderate curiosity, in regards to the true source of the Book of Abraham. I went on to read many more books, and see many more examples of funeral documents from ancient Egypt, and started to connect the pieces. The "translations" of the hieroglyphics from the Book of Abraham that I was so familiar with, and the revelations they unveiled, did not match up with the translations of the same hieroglyphics that were found in so many tombs, in so many other sarcophagi. Since the discovery of the Rosetta Stone in the late 18th century, and its decryption done through the 1800's, translating Egyptian hieroglyphs has been a fairly clear-cut process. Line upon line, precept upon precept, my testimony of the truthfulness of Joseph Smith and his Church started to give way.

I knew what was happening to me. I knew (sometime later) that I was letting "anti" material steer me away. But I felt so free! I felt so liberated! I didn't have to tuck strange concepts under any rugs anymore. I felt like I was hearing both sides of an argument and making a decision for myself. All my life, this religion had been there. It had been simply a fact of the matter. Even when I was older and found the "Truth" for myself, the only reason I had searched for the "Truth" was because I had always been challenged to do so.

But logic and research and science finally took hold. The Book of Abraham was only the first of many inconsistencies that I couldn't ignore. As tumultuous as it was for me, I knew I couldn't keep ignoring things that didn't make sense.

I kept teaching my Primary class, though it was a struggle to do so. I talked with my bishop about my concerns. He counseled me to give it time, study, pray, and not be hasty in my decisions.

By Fall of 2005 my testimony was all but history. I informed my bishop that I didn't want to teach Primary at the start of the new year, because I didn't want to get attached to another group of kids. January of 2006 was a new beginning for me. No more attending church, no more guilt for sleeping in or shopping on Sundays, no more pressure for living commandments or covenants or other one-sided arrangements. It was blissful!

I love my life now, though obviously it's not perfect. I love that my kids are learning rationality and reasoning and are discovering a world full of acceptance of all types of people and beliefs. I don't feel like I need to force my beliefs upon anyone else, nor do I feel that they will be better off if they believe the same things I do. Humans are strange creatures, and for thousands of years they've looked to higher beings to find answers and reasons. Who am I to discredit thousands of years? I find peace in my beliefs and I wish that for everyone.

La + Sensitive Situations = Tact

Cookie Day 2007 was here at last. I arrived with the kids at my mom's house, arms loaded with bags. As we were walking to the door, my 3 year old slipped and fell into the snow on the lawn. He wasn't wearing gloves, and the snow covered his pants. He was visibly upset and I, the over-protective mom that I am, was having a mini-crisis trying to get him in the door.

My brother Paul opened the door for me, and could see that I was struggling. I asked him to help by brushing the snow off the boy's pants. Instead, Paul decided that all my son needed was help getting his boots off his feet. Meanwhile, the snow was melting into his pants, surely soaking them through. This just frustrated me, since I was helpless with all the crap I was carrying.

"Paul, you're gay!" I loudly announced.

He didn't call me a name in reply, which was strange.

"Brush the snow off his pants, so they don't get wet," I demanded.

But Paul just said, "It's fine. Okay. Shh..."

Huh? "Well, if you'd just finally admit that you're gay, things would work out best for us all," I finished up my previous jab at the brother who spent his youth torturing me.

He was bending over in front of me, as if to pick something up. He looked up at me and whispered quite sternly, "Shh! [Mom's gay friend] and his partner are in the other room!"

"You're lying...!" I said, for that was highly improbable. But even as I said it, I looked over Paul's shoulder and sure enough, there was [Mom's gay friend]. How many times had I gone to my mom's house and he had NOT been there? Oh, every time. How many times had I gone to my mom's house and NOT yelled prejudice slurs at my brother? Oh, never before. But this day, the one where I decided to use sexual preference as an insult, there [mom's gay friend] was.

I laughed at my stupidity to the point of tears, but the tears weren't only from laughter. I was embarrassed. I felt totally shamed. His partner had never met our family before, so I can only wonder what he might have thought.

I apologized to [mom's friend] as he and his partner left, but I'm not sure he even knew what I was apologizing for. I can only hope he chalks it up to our family having loud and quick mouths.

*sigh* What will I do next?

Happy Holidays, friends! Hope it's a season full of love for you all!

Come on... Really?

I was given a link today to a commentary by my favorite author, Orson Scott Card, posted on Deseret News . Oh yes, indeed he's my favorite author. I mean, my favorite book wasn't written by him, but he's the one whose books I most consistently enjoy. I realize what this means to my readers. Sideon may just disown me forever.

(You can bet that I will enjoy the kiss and make up session with him!)

So I'm pretty convinced that OSC is pulling his peter. Oops!! I meant, he's pulling a Peter. If you ever read the Ender's Game series, you'll know that the character Peter would submit essays and commentaries under a false name, to help sway the global flow of economics and politics. It was his little form of control, which escalated into a very powerful form of control. Peter ended up holding the most important position in North America, partly because of the way he was able to shift public opinion.

I doubt that OSC is using a false name. Although, the man does go by Scott in his regular life. Who would want to go by Orson??

Regardless, a man with his knowledge and history of research cannot possibly believe the words he uses in that article. I respect him, insofar as he uses logic. But the only speck of logic in the article is where he refutes a "Traditional Christian" point of view. Why does he not utilize the same logic in his own comments, such as (but not limited to) "After this life, all who have become perfect in their obedience to God and are forgiven their sins by the grace of Christ will spend eternity serving God in his great work of continuing creation. Only thus can the best of us humans obey Christ's commandment to be perfect, even as our Father in Heaven is perfect."

To the Traditional Christian, he uses phrases like "that doesn't make any sense", "that's just crazy" and "your lines are imaginary". He uses LOGIC to refute the beliefs of the Traditional Christian.

Why can't he use LOGIC to refute the non-sensical, "crazy", and "imaginary" beliefs of the Latter-Day Saint Christian as well?

He must be faking it.

Oh, Holiday Parties.

Dinner and a Jazz game. Not exactly a situation that fosters socializing. But whatever.

The chicken was boiled. That's all. Then, there were a couple of grilled onions put on top. Then there were unflavored (but potentially delicious) mashed potatoes. Then there was veggies that should've been delicious as well. For dessert, there was cheesecake with raspberry topping swirled over it. Too bad that my piece had 2 swirls. The raspberry flavor wasn't very, uh, there.

It was my fault that I didn't get to mingle and see all my beloved work peeps. I should've finished my cheesecake, stood up, and walked around the room. I was under the impression that all our seats at the Jazz game were in the same section, so I figured we'd talk there. Oh no, we were spread all over the upper bowl. So damn, I didn't get to socialize at the game either. Lee and I decided to leave at half-time, and go spend some quality time together. We tried to go to The Blue Boutique, but their store on 21st South is closed down. Then we tried Gardener Village, on the off chance they were still open. I guess 9 pm is past their closing time though.

*sigh*

Not much luck last night.

The highlight of the evening was laughing at the dinner table with my bro and sister-in-law, and some other awesome work people, about all sorts of stuff. I sufficiently proved what a jackass I can be. Story provided below:

Britney came up to our table. My bro asked her why she was at the Christmas party when she no longer worked with our company. She was the date of a guy in marketing, so whatever. Anyhow, maybe it was because I was ever so slightly altered, but I blurted out "Did you get your braces off? It looks so cute!!"

She sat there with a blank face. "Uh, I never had braces".

"Really??? You didn't?"

"Nope."

"OH!! It's your HAIR! That's what's different!! It's cute too."

My bro decided I may as well have said "It's so good to see you out of your wheelchair!"

I felt dumb. But I still laughed. Does that make me heartless and cruel?

Don't be a douche...

Sarah Silverman makes me laugh my guts out.

YAY! The Pink is Back!

It was distressing to me when I changed my template that my awesome Rainbow Water header was gone. My ex-husband Eric created it for me, knowing I'm an absolute sucker for rainbows. It's a very symbolic piece of artwork, and I was sad when I couldn't find it after changing my template.

Well...Now it's back! Can you feel the sunshine? I can.

Marching Bands of Manhattan by Death Cab for Cutie

If I could open my arms
and span the length of the isle of Manhattan
I'd bring it to where you are,
making a lake of the East River and Husdon.

If I could open my mouth
wide enough for a marching band to march out
They would make your name sing,
and bend through alleys and bounce off all the buildings.

I wish we could open our eyes
to see in all directions at the same time.
Oh, what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you.

And it is true what you said
that I live like a hermit in my own head.
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.

Sorrow drifts into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks, and there is comfort in the sound.
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises.
Your love is gonna drown.

Sorrow drifts into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks, and there is comfort in the sound.
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises.
Your love is gonna drown.

The Joys of Autumn

La's List

* Stores release festive "Holiday" creamers, such as Pumpkin Spice (tasty!).

* The weather gets just cool enough, for my taste. Warm(ish) in the afternoon, cool at night.

* Plans for holiday parties and traditions stir from their long spring/summer nap.

* My baking skills peak out of their hiding place.

* Bulb planting and planning for wonderful spring blooms is in full swing.

* Fireplaces, blankets, socks; it's a season for snuggling!!

* Watching the birds migrate south


Lee's List

* Hot chocolate and peppermint Schnapp's!

* Cracking nuts :)

* The anticipation of the Holidays, family, traditions


La AND Lee's List

* Impatience for spring-training to get here first shows it's nasty little head (this is the first year for that one!)

* World Series!!

* Brilliant colors interrupt the summer greens (and browns here in Utah). Deep reds, bright yellows, and pumpkin oranges turn the mountains into rainbows.

* Pumpkin pie, fo sho!

* 'Tis the season for all things apple

A Year Ago...

...I had things to say. People read what I had to say. I read other people's things that they had to say. It was such a nice cushy blog-existence.

But now it's barren.

I ache to write. I formulate topics and phrases in my mind all the time. I think of funny thoughts and wonder how I can translate the humor into written words.

But I don't write them down.

I still care so strongly for the friends I made. When I consider them, my heart warms and I can't help but smile. I hope they are doing well, and I tell myself that I need to read their blogs.

But I don't read, and they don't read either.

Nothing I think of seems important. Nothing seems funny. No one really wants to hear about my mundane life of work and kids. I've become a very private person, somewhat against my nature, and so it's easy to excuse not writing.

And I don't write.

Even if I write something witty right now, it won't be read. I had started a second blog last year so that I could anonymously be more personal (ironic, I realize). This "self-discovery" blog has become every bit as barren and desolate as that second one.

*chirp, chirp* the crickets break the silence.

*whooosh* the desert breeze blows sagebrush across my blog.

I need more optimism.

Ideas Needed!!

Hey friends! I am thinking about taking a cruise this spring, and I'm trying to get info on the best options. I will probably want to do the Mexican Riviera thing, to see Cabo San Luca and other towns down that way.

Have you been on a cruise? What do you recommend? What DON'T you recommend?

Thanks for your help!

Defeat Accepted

Man, the Red Sox were on. Lee said that he felt this was a mismatched World Series for sure. Baseball is a game of streaks, which the Rockies were definitely on, but the Red Sox are a much better team.

I will move on. I will not be so emotional about sports. *sigh*

Still Hopeful!

Ouch! That was a painful loss last night. Who abducted the Rockies and put that how-can-we-possibly-have-made-it-to-the-MLB-World-Series team in their place?

The Red Sox are hot, no doubt. Just wait until they have to play in Denver though. The elevation and temperature are a big factor, plus Coors Field has a gigantor outfield. We'll see if that affects the HR count.

Let's go ROCKIES! Bring back the stellar pitching staff!!

Here we go Rockies, Here we go...!!

World Series, game one in Boston today. I'm already excited. I'm eating my sunflower seeds and imagining what a great series it is going to be.

I like the Colorado Rockies. First of all, they're pretty close in proximity to me. Second of all, I remember when their team was started, around the same time that Denver International Airport was opened.

I was mad when they beat the Padres with the run in from Matt Holliday. He didn't even touch home plate!! There was an overhead camera angle that showed it pretty clearly. But I forgave him. He has been playing so well, he makes it look easy.

I'm also excited for Todd Helton (first base) because he has been in the majors for a long time, yet hadn't been in the playoffs until this season.

The Rockies are young, fresh and excited. Boston is a good team (wow, how they came back to beat the Indians! NICE!), but they're arrogant. They get careless and have to work hard to make up for it.

This is going to be a GREAT series! The Rockies have won 21 of their past 22 games. They swept the Padres, the Phillies, and the Diamondbacks in the post season. It's been an incredible run for them.

MY HOPES ARE HIGH!!! GO ROX!!

Home Sweet Home!

I moved in to an apartment over the weekend. I'm probably weird, but I've been experiencing a wide range of emotions over the whole thing. Bottom line, though, is it's a place of my own and I like it.

Last night was the first time I stayed over there. I had mentioned to my boyfriend, Lee, that I was nervous about the whole "being within earshot of other sex-having people" and "liking my sex not heard by strangers".

First night report: Neighbors next door had some mad sex between 2:30 am and 5:30 am. I'm positive there were at least 3 people involved. It was so funny and exciting! I was wide awake, with my ear to the wall. Oh yes. I listened.

How long is it going to amuse me, is what I wonder.

*cough* *cough* There's a hairball in my throat!

At work we have to read these corny corporate novels, in an effort to unite us or make us more effective or some other positive--yet unseen--result.

The latest book, though, is really fun to read and I like some of the ideas presented. It's called Orbiting the Giant Hairball by Gordon MacKenzie. He worked for Hallmark, and tried his best to remain creative and free-thinking, all the while remaining dedicated to the corporate goals and vision.

I'd like to share a blurb that struck me as especially poignant.

"Being infinite, the whole of reality is too much for the conscious human mind to grasp. The best any one of us can do is to take the biggest slice of Infinite Reality that we can hold -- intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally -- and make that slice our personal sense of what is real. But no matter how broad it is, any human perception of reality can be no more than a tiny sliver of Infinite Reality."

I don't know if it's religion or human nature or western culture or what, but we all seem to think we know stuff. We feel like we have such a grasp on history and the future, however, our certainty is just an illusion in the grand scheme of things.

My next short term goal: to analyze my slice of Infinite Reality, and try to grasp it.

Protect Your Junk

Relationships are hard work. I was talking with a girl today and she told me that she doesn't really let her relationships go much longer than 4 months, because that's when the excitement wears off and the dirty work starts. On the one hand, that's sort of sad for her. But on the other hand, while sad, I can totally relate to her.

A while back I was pondering the not-so-enigmatic-but-still-tough-to-figure-out Me. "Why do I react the way I do?" I asked myself. "From whence does my impatience come?"

I know I'll get ridiculed by some people who read this blog for saying this, but so be it. I hold some kind of belief (though it's not quite strong enough to be an actual belief) in the cycles of the solar system and stars, and the effect they have on our lives. I relate so well to the Sagittarian. If I had never heard anything about the Zodiac before, and then read through a fair description of each sign, I would immediately recognize that I myself am a Sagittarius.

Here is an amazing description of what it means to be Sagittarius (from http://www.psychicguild.com/horoscopes_zodiac.php?sign=Sagittarius):

Life Pursuit: To live the good life
Vibration: Overly expressive - frequent burnouts
Sagittarian's Secret Desire: To make a difference in the world

Ruled by the benefic planet Jupiter, Sagittarians possess a natural exuberance, sense of adventure and love of life that makes them one of the most optimistic zodiac signs of all. Like their astrological symbol - the Archer - Sagittarians are renowned for aiming their sights towards whatever it is they find alluring - a love partner, dream job, vacation - and making it their own. They believe that anything is possible - and because of this belief system, Sagittarians are adept at seeking out their very own pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

But sometimes trying to tie down these free-spirited individuals is frustrating for those around them. Sagittarians are happiest on the move - exploring new cultures and ideas and many are attracted to occupations related to travel, the media, outdoor work and philosophical pursuits. In love, their catch-cry is "don't fence me in". But once they find a partner who understands their need to retain their own sense of self and identity, Sagittarians can be the most big-hearted, generous and fun-loving companions of all.

Freedom loving, optimistic and honest, Sagittarians are ruled by Jupiter, the planet of abundance and higher learning. The wisdom of Jupiter imbibes Sagittarians with an inherent need to develop their own unique philosophy of life. The Centaur is their astrological symbol, and it gives many insights into the Sagittarian personality. The higher-evolved Sagittarian learns to integrate the two ends of the Centaur (half-human, half-beast) in order for their arrow (another Sagittarian symbol) of higher aspirations to be more on the mark. Although they are intellectually and spiritually advanced, Sagittarians are notorious for their lack of tact. In relationships they demand independence, but when in love, it can't be denied that they are one of the most big-hearted signs of the zodiac.

I can't begin to explain how all this hits home with me. Horoscopes? Don't hold weight with me. Astrocharts? Fun, but that's it. This description, however, couldn't be more dead on of qualities I aspire to and, in some regards, inadequacies I already embody.

Does this explain me? Not entirely, but it's a darn good start. Sometimes I think of myself as a free-spirited horse who willingly and knowingly allows herself to be bridled by restraints. I aspire to have a relationship where this is understood, and I'm allowed to be myself.

Because Life is for the Living

I have a 20 year old nephew named Andy. He hasn't been, how shall I say, "on the right track" for the past couple of years. He's a good kid, but has made some bad choices recently. His worst choice took place a couple of Friday's ago.

He was street racing on his motorcycle down a residential street (no need to comment on the idiocy; we're all very aware, and especially he is). He was going about 60 mph until the road turned and he was forced to slow down. There was a car on the opposite side of the street where it turned, and Andy didn't have enough control to make the turn. He slammed into the parked car at about 40 mph, and was thrown over it onto the lawn.

Given the fact that he was sans helmet, he came out of it pretty well. He broke his left femur, and had a small fracture in the tibia of the same leg. They put a titanium rod in his upper thigh, from his hip to his knee, which he will have for the rest of his life. They also put pins into the lower leg, to keep the bones stabilized.

We had a family BBQ this past Saturday, and Andy was able to hobble to the patio, where he sat with his leg up for most of the afternoon. He was pleasant and grateful (straying from his norm) and it really gave me optimism to see how nice he was to his siblings and mom.

My sister is an emergency room RN, so she's accustomed to seeing all sorts of injuries. It has been very hard for her to see her own son in such a condition. She's also used to sending patients home or to another floor, so she doesn't normally have exposure to the healing process. Healing is slow and painful, she's learning. I think this experience has been a good one for everyone in their family. I think they are growing closer, and I think they will have more respect for one another as well. It's good.

Capitol Reef

Here are a couple pictures of my kids at Capitol Reef a few weekends ago. Utah is pretty spectacular!

My daughter at Goosenecks Point. I love how she's posing.


My son, who was scared to death to get near the edges. YAY!!

I really love the landscape and the birds and the clean air and the afternoon thunder storms. The town of Torrey is just adorable, with it's tree-lined streets and quaint little burger joint. There's an art gallery, an old catholic church, and a candy shop. It's a magical place, and it's somewhere that I would love to have a cabin or timeshare.

Softball

Why can't I post pictures? I want to show pictures of me playing softball (well, me in the softball game, mostly). Aha!! It worked! This first pic is me going up to bat, confident as hell.

Haha, I'm glad that's not my butt (the catcher).

This next one is of me having just hit the ball (a line drive over the 3rd baseman's head, yes indeed).
Haha, I wish that wasn't my butt (the awesome batter).

So as you can see, my Thursday nights are full of fun and excitement and bug bites. :)

My Job

I started full time at my job last month. I've never really talked about it on my blog, so I'll just give some info so the world can understand what my life is like, to some extent.

I work for Hewlett Packard. I wasn't hired by HP, however. I was hired by Logoworks, which is the biggest (and best!) online logo design company. We were acquired by HP in June of this year. That transition has been interesting, mostly in a good way.

Specifically, I am a behind-the-scenes person in the Customer Solutions department. I used to be a project manager, which entailed a lot of interaction with customers. But now I'm called a "Console Specialist", in charge of making sure projects get uploaded to the customer on time, and reviewing the feedback that customers give before assigning designers to do the revisions.

I like my job, which is very important to me. I don't have the best pay in the world, but when I'm walking into the building lobby every morning (at 6:55 am!) I've rarely been begrudged that I had to be there. Even though I could complain about MANY things day to day, I still enjoy being here and doing what I do.

When I started full time here, I quit my job at the Eagles. I loved it too, but it was wearing me thin to have to work every day of the week. It has been really nice to have evenings and weekends off!

I expect to be at my job for a long time. I'm working on finding an apartment, which has been logistically difficult, and I'm looking forward to the independent life that is ahead of me.

YES, I still blog.

Every day I have the thought: "I should blog about that."

I decided to make a commitment to blog every day for a while. Not like that last November thing (Nablopomo or whatever), but just a thought or a commentary or a picture or something to get back into the habit.

I love blogging. I love the blogosphere. I love my blog friends. I love writing. I love communicating.

So here I go...!

Oh, how it's hump day...

I have just over 15 minutes to kill before the end of my work day. We were stressed at first, but we got all caught up, and now I've got nothing to do. The rubber band wars are wearing on me.

I've noticed that I get seasonally depressed during the summer. It has happened for 3 years in a row now. I wonder why that is? Maybe I'm allergic to heat.

I just got back from a short trip to Torrey, UT, and now I want to move down there and live the life of a hippie. (When I edit this post from home later, I'll attach a picture.)

What would you do if you could?

A Bit of a Rant:

Do you blog about getting poor customer service? Before doing so, do you make sure that you have done your part to ensure a good, effective purchasing experience? Do you read the terms and conditions of usage?

The hard part about my job is the customers, hands down. As a business we do make mistakes, and sometimes the system doesn't make things work fluidly. We realize this and we do what we can to make up for it (and correct the error). But that is, by far, the minority of experiences.

People who cannot be satisfied should either do things themselves, or stick with the businesses that they are used to using. They should by no means "give it a try" if following their explicit instructions will not provide (at the least) satisfactory results.

Just so you know.

LAS VEGAS: Confidential: the back room

My nerves overpowered me again. I had no idea what to expect, aside from what I had seen in movies or tv. My friend held me by the hand and said, "You sure you wanna do this?" If there's one thing that I've been called in my life it's a daredevil, and this certainly wasn't going to change that. "Yeah I'm sure," I replied, unsure.

The first thing that I noticed was a wall with several head-shots of girls. They were autographed in stylized letters, making it seem like I was encountering celebrities in this dark, musty place. Another thing of note was a white board that said "Now on Stage:", with the name of a girl who's face you could find on the picture wall.

Overhead, the dim red lights barely lit the walkways. I felt like I was on the set of one of those movies! We wanted to view a live dancer, but the room big enough for two was taken. So we chose to go even smuttier, and went to view the Porn Arcade. There was only a curtain to shield us in our little booth. In a take-me-serious tone of voice, my friend told me, "Don't look down..." I was impressed with myself at how quickly I pieced the meaning together, and decided at once that I needed to look down. Ew. And the walls. Ew. And the sides of the television. Oh my ew. "What? You didn't believe me?" my friend laughed.

The vast choices of porn to watch was impressive. Any kind you want, they had available. Just put in a dollar and you get 5 minutes of view time. We weren't there very long when I remembered that this is not why we were there. I wanted to see a live stripper. So we squeezed ourselves out of the little booth and went to the room big enough for two. It appeared closed, but when we got closer we realized that it was open just a bit. A chair was placed in the room, and it was facing a big black rectangle. My friend showed me how to put in a dollar, then suddenly the black rectangle was gone, a window had appeared, and I was facing a stage.

It was a bright transition for my eyes. I got closer to the window and saw a white girl with straight brown hair maneuvering her way around a semi-circle stage, stopping in front of other windows like ours. The girl seemed somewhat bored and ready to be done, but I remember the twinkle in her eyes as she looked in my direction. She gave me a playful grin. It was pretty clear that she liked it when girls came to watch her. And she knew that I liked watching girls. She didn't waste time coming over to our window. My friend gave her dollars and she gave us more of a show. She bent over so we could see everything she had. She moved gracefully, and her long hair dragged on the stage as she varied her positions for us.

Behind our dancer I could see another girl come up a set of stairs, drop her purse off to the side, and our dancer left us to chat with her for a moment. This new girl was black, and she was wearing a hot pink tightly-fitted dress. She was gorgeous. Her ass was rounded and voluptuous. Her waist was tiny and she had natural but well-proportioned breasts. Almost immediately after a short session of pole-dancing, she saw me looking at her lustfully through the window. Her smiled glowed! My heart actually skipped because she was so beautiful, and she was excited to see me!

I watched as she slowly slipped her dress down around her breasts. She watched me watching her. She sat in front of our window and put her legs on either side of the window. I got the full view of this beauty, and my friend kept giving her dollars as tips. Already my mind was wondering if I could get a private showing with her. I was disappointed to learn that even if I did get a private showing, I wouldn't be able to touch her. That was part of the fun! I wanted to feel her full ass in my hand, and pull her close.

I think she became disappointed that I wasn't giving my friend a hand job right there in front of her. I was too enthralled with her to think about him by that point. But her time at our window was over, and she moved on to other fresh patrons. We left our room big enough for two reluctantly.

My pulse was still racing and I wanted more. I forgot why I had been nervous or scared. I had become a full supporter of stripping. I'll have to write about the other strip club we attended that night.

LAS VEGAS: Confidential

I stepped out of the van without thought, but the second my foot hit the pavement the butterflies in my stomach screamed, "Look alive!" and they began their frenzied dance. I looked to my left, to my right, and a car whizzed passed on the street next to us. I felt my cheeks flush in an unconscious wave of shame. "What am I doing here? This is so bad," I told myself with every footstep toward the building.

The door was bright yellow against a large, square, dark building. It was propped open, and as we approached I felt like I was stepping into the Twilight Zone. I just knew I was going to be sucked into another dimension. I made a very brave step through the threshold and suddenly I realized that no, it wasn't "bad", and that I was not doing anything wrong. "I'm an adult, I have lots of experience, my kids are safe and sound, and I may as well enjoy myself," I thought. So it was at that point that I opened my eyes.

The interior was bright, like a hospital bright. No, more like a warehouse bright. Maybe a combination of the two, actually. The walls were tall, and there was sparse decor. I knew at once that this was no Blue Boutique. My first comment spoken aloud to my friend was, "They're not messing around here, are they?"

And then it hit me: for the first time I was in a REAL porn shop. There was no lingerie, no romantic sex games. I didn't see "coupon" books or stripper shoes. This, I realized, was a testosterone saturated covert for men. I, in my skimpy little skirt, was in a strange new territory.

One and a half walls, in addition to at least two rows of shelves, were dedicated to toys. I think I saw The Biggest Dildo EVER. I swear it was about two feet long and had a circumference greater than my two hands together. All I could do was stare in amazement (while imagining the pain) and spew an occasional chuckle.

There were stacks of older VHS pornos, which I guess they were trying to liquidate because they were all priced $2.00. Yes, TWO DOLLARS. Granted, they were all kind of corny and outdated, but porn is porn. If that didn't tickle my fancy then there were thousands of other titles I could choose from. It carried as many DVD's as a Blockbuster, probably. I was continually stunned at the sheer smut and blatant casualness of the whole thing. The other patrons may as well have been shopping at K-mart, for all I knew.

Next I am going to write about the Back Room. Stay tuned.

Happy Birthday, big paper with lots of signatures on it!

Anytime a national holiday comes around, I sign up to work. Why not work a few hours and get paid crap-loads of money to do so? I still get to go to the family BBQ, and see the [illegal] fireworks tonight. I'm not missing out on anything. So I work.

Thing is, NOTHING is going on at work. We need to keep our phones open because we have international customers. I've been logged on to my computer for about 20 minutes now, and I've done everything I can do to catch up. No tasks, emails all taken care of, no voicemails, all done. So I blog.

I am enjoying the view from my window, however, and I'm seeing the sun peak over the tall mountains that border the eastern side of Utah Valley. From where I sit (we're in Lindon) I can see lush green pastures, tall weeping willows and poplars, and the sun making all the green leaves sparkle. Last week, when Squaw Peak was being burnt to a crisp, I could see the progress and fire-airplanes from my desk. Of course, my eyes are bad so I couldn't see details or anything, but still. I like my seat. :)

I think I'll write.

Around and about

This past week I was in Paso Robles CA, visiting the family of my boyfriend. I had my kids with me, and despite long hours in the car and proximity sickness (aka too much time together) the trip was a resounding success.

We went to the coast and toured through Hearst Castle, a hilltop paradise built by newspaper tycoon William Randolph Hearst in the early 20th century. I have 2 favorite parts of the estate that I want to mention.

First: the Neptune Pool (outdoor). It makes me crazy with wanting to jump in the water. Behold. (I apologize for the bad lighting. I wanted to increase the brightness so my daughter could be seen better.)

The second thing is a statue in the front entry of the main house that I WANT. I loved it. We couldn't get close because there is a tile mosaic on the floor and they don't want the masses tromping upon it. Enjoy.

Anyone who may have an idea as to the name or artist of this statue would be my BFF.

Questions / thoughts for anonymous:

When was the last time I spoke about the church? Oh, wait. It was on April 04, 2007, and mostly I just said that I was raised Mormon. The post you were referring to about "I walk by faith..." was written in March of 2006. So that leads me to my next question:

How do I "speak so much about the church it's like you're obsessed"? What you are referring to, I believe, has to be taken in context. I was in the church for 28 years, and then found out that the teachings aren't true. So, yeah, I had to vent some issues and frustrations to let that part of my life go. But you were reading blogs from that time of my life. I have let it go now. I don't obsess anymore. I rarely talk about Mormons anymore.

"you know in your heart that the gospel is true and that you are not living your life the way that you should". No it's not, and yes I am. I'm living my life exactly the way I should be living it. I'm growing, I'm progressing, I'm working on my faults, I'm a decent person, I'm a mother who loves her children (and gets very frustrated with them), and I'm intent on justice and balance and living the golden rule.

"Did you ever pray to know if the chruch was true?" Countless times.

"but I do feel sad for this time in your life, you are experiencing a trial and I hope that you find your way past it, you seem like a bright and beautiful woman with a lot of love and a lot to offer". I AM experiencing trials and rough times in my life. None of them have to do with my leaving the Mormons though. Thank you for the compliment, and I am flattered you recognized that.

I did have to mourn for the Gospel because I believed it so strongly. But I have bounced back and I have new spirituality that brings me peace and joy. I have not sought another religion, nor do I intend to. I love my past and my experiences from my Mormon days, and I DO sing primary songs to my kids still. I just don't sing ones that refer to prophets or Jesus Christ.

Thanks for your comment, and I'm glad you found your way to my blog. :)

An anonymous comment I just received on an older post:

Hi, it's Sunday morning and I'm Mormon and I stumbled upon your blog because as I was preparing for my sacrement talk and my RS lesson which I agreed to do on the same day because I was asked, I was feeling the spirit so strong that I just starting singing and the song that I started singing was "I walk by Faith, a daughter of Heavenly parents" well I couldn't remember the entire song so I typed those first few words into google and you had cited those words in your blog so it came up in my search. I read a few of your entries and I have this to say about you, first of all, you speak so much about the church it's like you're obsessed, if I had a blog I don't think that refereces to the church would find their way into every paragraph and I go to church every week, I think your obssession is because you are trying to cut your ties with the church but in fact part of you thinks back to the great experiences you had and the times that you felt the spirit and you know in your heart that the gospel is true and that you are not living your life the way that you should and part of you wants your infant to grow up surrounded by the love and the clearity and the truth of the gospel the way that you did, and you haven't gone inactive because you're just lazy because you are already searching for a new church, you're searching when you already know the truth. Did you ever pray to know if the chruch was true? Have you received your testimony? If not, don't you think that you owe it to yourself and your family to do so? Reading your blog did not completely take away the feelings of the spirit that I was experiencing when I was singing hymns and coming to look up the lyrics, but I do feel sad for this time in your life, you are experiencing a trial and I hope that you find your way past it, you seem like a bright and beautiful woman with a lot of love and a lot to offer, I probably have had an easier life than you so I'm not judging, I'm just saying that it sounds to me like you are mourning for the gospel, like you need it, like you feel a void, so just come back, if you don't like the structure of the church and can't handle that right now, at least do some personal worship and searching, read the scriptures and pray, invite the spirit into your heart and your life, sing your favorite primary songs to your child, share the spirit with your child. You are a daughter of God and he loves you, good luck with your journey.

I should be watching The Office, but instead...

I'm so jealous that Sideon and SML got to meet!! Seriously, I'm festering. There are few people on the planet who can bring out the boiling passion in me like Sideon can. :)

Guys, I'm sick of my life. I'm sick at the fact that some friendships are gone and I don't blog anymore. I'm sick that I never feel like seeing anyone because I'm positive that either they will judge me or they will be weird because of drastic changes in my life.

What can I do?

Tah, tah, tah Tuesday

It seems lately that I've heard about many marijuana busts in our lovely Deseret. What's lame is that they release the footage to the media (or invite the media to come along), and make a big show of it. Meanwhile, meth is almost as big of an "industry" here, and we rarely learn about meth busts. I don't know if I've ever spoken out in favor of pot-smoking, but I certainly think pot is significantly less dangerous to society and safety than meth is.

K that's my rant for today. Today was kind of crappy at work. It makes me wonder why Tuesday is the day for crap. I mean, is everyone just so pissed off after Monday? I don't get it. It was actually a good day for me, but everyone I talked with seemed to be having troubles.

Dang, there was another rant. Positive, think positive. Two (2) songs that make me happy:

Daft Punk "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger"
Cake "When You Sleep"

Resulted happiness results in a tickling of the children. Good times!

Cold and empty

I browsed some blogs today for the first time in weeks. WEEKS! I used to be on my blog for at least half my day, reading, posting, being altogether obsessed. What happened?? During this time, one of the hardest of my life, I chose to isolate myself from all things familiar. Blog, friends, family, you name it. The only problem is, I miss it all. I miss my life.

Six months ago, I left my husband (thanks to Christy for being brave and reminding me that there's not really a need to be "hush-hush") . We haven't finalized our divorce yet, but we're slowly getting there. Mostly, we just have busy lives and haven't set time aside to arrange all the details.

I went from being a full-time stay-at-home mom to working 2 part time jobs and still trying to juggle the kids' lives with mine. I live in my mom's basement, and my social life has plummeted. Last year was all about parties, concerts, hanging out, being with friends. But right now I have a very very small circle of people I regularly talk with. Actually, all but my ex-husband are relatively new in my life.

You know, I'm sure people have their opinions about me. I have made huge mistakes, most of which cause me deep anguish. I am pretty sure I'll never have certain relationships back. And yet, despite the loss, I'm frustrated that no matter how penitent I feel there's nothing I can do to repair what's broken. I'm not perfect, and I'm not the only one who makes mistakes. The best I can offer is growth and understanding and empathy. If it's not enough, well, I guess I need to accept that.

Right now I want to take the bubbly pink template down from my blog and replace it with black. Some days are just really hard, and this is one of those days.

"I told myself I won't miss you, but I remember what it feels like beside you..." -Hinder, Better Than Me

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

We'll do it all,

Everything,

On our own.

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone.

If I lay here,

If I just lay here,

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel.

Those three words

are said too much;

they're not enough.

If I lay here,

If I just lay here,

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old.

Show me a garden that's bursting into life.

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads.

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own.

If I lay here,

If I just lay here,

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old.

Show me a garden that's bursting into life.

All that I am,

All that I ever was,

Is here in your perfect eyes;

They're all I can see.

I don't know where;

Confused about how, as well.

Just know that these things

Will never change for us at all.

If I lay here,

If I just lay here,

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Ramble, ramble...

I just have a few minutes until I have to go into work. My other work. That's right, I'm now the proud owner of two (2) part-time jobs. The scheduling with who's watching my son has been a beast, but so far it's worked out fairly well.

I have a cat named Boo and he's freakin awesome. He's big and strong, but he's a lover boy. He's certainly mellowed out in this past year, but he still eats food off the counter (which is why the bread is now stored in the cabinet). Just a minute ago he was sitting on the table staring out the window. Why does a cat stare so intently? And why don't his eyes dry out, thereby requiring a blink? All valid questions.

Cats are pretty cool. They're like a total mystery. And they just don't give a shit about anyone.

"She will be loved" -Maroon 5

All these phrases keep flashing in my head these days. Take the title of my blog post, for instance, which is the name of a song . Another one:

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love, and be loved in return." -Moulin Rouge

or

"You have to figure out what really, truly makes you happy and chase it......Chase it your whole life." -my friend Laura

I have a lot of growing yet to do in life. This past year has been one of HUGE changes and experiences which I never expected. I'm still trying to discover who I am. Will I ever get there? Does anyone ever know who they are? Who am I? Well, let's see what I think, and what I've learned.

* First, I'm the youngest of six children, and I was raised as a Mormon.
* I enjoyed school and was pretty smart, but decided to slack in high school.
* I love to laugh.
* I am often stubborn.
* I like to watch and play sports, but I'm not very active in general.
* I had way too many sexual experiences, way too young in life. Because of this, I've recently discovered that sex is sort of a control thing for me. I have come to realize that it's possible for me to reliquish control, but when I do I feel very vulnerable.
* I hate to feel vulnerable, but that doesn't mean I won't let myself do it.
* I am capable of hurting someone deliberately
* I don't hold on to things. I like to confront things head on, and when I get resolution, it's gone. Vanished. I let things go. I don't hold grudges. It's not very often that I internalize things.
* I believe that we're all intertwined as human beings. I believe in energy, positive and negative. And with that, I believe in some form of karma.
* My greatest desire in life is to be with someone I'm crazy about, and have them be crazy about me at the same time. It always has been my greatest desire.

I'm sure I know other things about myself, but I can't think of any more right now. I'm trying to find reasons for my behavior, reasons for my reactions, in an effort to correct things that don't bring me happiness. Either correct them, or learn to accept them.

La: revealed

I have two major issues with my children, neither of which do I handle well. The first is that my 7 year old daughter never says "Okay". She puts up a fight on anything and everything. She expects fun activities and toys, etc., but I cannot engrain the idea of Earning into her.

Where do kids get this sense of entitlement?

The other issue is with my 2 year old son who has The Loudest Scream Ever. And boy, does he use it. One scream and my ear drums are piercing, seering in pain. Most of the time I ignore it, so that he doesn't start thinking he can do it to sway me. But seriously, ouch.

He and I have started working on talking through his problems, instead of screaming. It has actually gotten a little bit better. But there are days that he just wants to let it all out. It's those days that have me so ashamed of myself I can hardly stand it. I lose my patience; I am unable to deal with him.

So now it's out. My deepest darkest secret, which I never admit to openly. I suck as a mother, and my kids are getting screwed up because of me.

It wasn't eavesdropping!

I was eating lunch at Costco today, and next to me was a woman with two men having a conversation. I could hear her describing what I think is a local charter school to the men. She said:

"It emphacizes Christianity and government. Daily we read out of the Book of Mormon and have prayer."

Oh, to live in Utah Valley! My lunch companion then said, "Yeah [a mutual friend] found it hard when he was interviewing for jobs because it's all fine to be non-mormon, but to be EX-mormon? Well that's just not a good thing. He wondered if he should pretend he was never a member and act like he doesn't know what they're talking about."

I wonder if the people next to us heard that.

Like, totally, dude!!

When amidst divorce, one needs to address the CACA.

Custody
Alimony
Child support
Assets

Happy Pi Day, everybody!! :)

Kindergarten didn't teach me everything I needed to know

*Buying bras at anywhere besides Lane Bryant is a waste of time and money. (LB's bras are the best for my shape and size, and they are what turned my self-esteem around. Seriously. I had always wanted a breast reduction until the fateful day when I put on a Cacique bra from LB. They have changed me.)

*Don't mix your liquors.

*Don't drink on an empty stomach, or a full one (in my case)

*An extra 50% off of an already reduced 75% clearance is a fabulous sale. Makes for cheap-ass shopping. (NOT cheap ass shopping. I've never shopped for ass, clearanced or otherwise.)

*Some laws just don't make sense.

*Parents are people too.

*Sex really is a motivational factor for most males.

*Just because you can have a baby, doesn't necessarily mean you should.

*Maintenance is the key, baby. Cars, house cleaning, hair and body, you name it.

What other things does simply living life teach us?

I am ALL enlisted 'til the conflict is o'er

Some weeks just suck. Some weeks you just have to put on a happy face, or grit your teeth, and pretend your life is normal. That's hard to do when you wouldn't recognize "normal" if it hit you in the face.

There is so many reasons to be down lately that I really really think I need to sit here and force myself to come up with some good things. So, let's see...

The weather is great today. Or, it was great this morning.

I got my van cleaned yesterday. For two bucks it's looking pretty sparkley.

Heroes is getting better and better. I have to rewind each second to think things through and tie pieces together. If anyone in the room is making noise I freak out. Each little second seems vital. It's good.

Work is a place of safety and escape for me. I like it there.

My sister rekindled a friendship that she had 20 years ago in high school. I'm very excited for her.

Rebecca is coming to Utah to visit. Why isn't she here, this second, in my room with me??? That's what I'd like to know. By the way, Becca, I want to monopolize as much of your time as I possibly can. (Just so you can be prepared for that.)

Okay so there are a few good things going on with me. Also, snotty noses and dirty diapers and complete oblivion aside, my kids have been more fun lately. Right now I guess I'm in a coping phase. Just live each day, don't hurt yourself or anyone else, and endure to the end. Or endure to the next phase, I should say. I feel like I'm Mormon again.

The point isn't that I watch MTV during the day.

"Aw...what the heck? I'm not doing anything, nothing is on, it's no big deal," I said to myself as I slowly released the recall button I had almost pushed. I set the remote down next to me, and settled guilt-free into my sin as MTV played out on the TV before me.

The show was Underage and Engaged, which I'd never heard of before. Two episodes later, I could feel the guilt creeping in. But the third episode was starting, and in the first minute the engaged couple had said they were each 19, and they were both Mormon. My ears piqued in interest. I had to watch this episode.

The episode was about how the girl had always dreamed of her temple marriage since she was a little girl. Her boyfriend had converted to the church after they had started dating (oh, how that sounds familiar), and he was the only one in his family who was LDS.

My heart broke as I heard his mother in tears talk about how she wouldn't get to see the wedding of her only son. How this young bride wanted her new in-laws there at the temple for pictures afterwards, and his mom said, "They want me here for pictures, but they'll already be married. And I'm just supposed to smile for the camera."

I hope that one day this young girl can see how her unrealistic ideal of how her wedding ought to be was selfish and unnecessary. It was tragic, I tell you.

My kids watch The Brady Bunch. How cool is that?

Ch..ch..ch..changes!

I'm in a very transitory place in my life right now. In some ways, I'm happier than I've ever been. In other ways, I'm lost and hopeless. It makes for consistent entertainment, believe me. :)

A thought I had the other day: my family has been pretty lucky when it comes to health and wellness. 6 kids and 20 grandchildren, and most of us have had few problems. Even my nephew Oliver, who recently had heart surgery, was at a fairly low risk. And now he's healthy and happy and cute as ever.

But surely at some point I'm going to lose someone I love. I know it's a waste of a thought, but even just the thought can bring me to tears. I don't want my family to change. I have a dear friend who lost a sibling and it has nearly shattered her. Oh, how I can empathize with that.

K. I'll stop worrying about it now. (Although, it's an inevitability, so maybe it's not a waste of a thought... hmm...)

My mom got notice last week that the request for my dad to be sealed to his new wife (well, almost 10 years new) was approved. My dad's bishop had called her on the phone and asked her if she had any objections. Well, she most certainly did. The bishop instructed her to write them down in the form of a letter and forward it to him. That was a few months back, and now, just out of courtesy, he informed her that the request had been granted. Totally and completely despite what mom had said. Now she's just shaking her head and wondering why on earth they even involved her at all. And what exactly could she have said that would've made a difference? It's maddening.

It's bizarre to go through the check out at Albertson's and hear the cashier talking about Joseph F. Smith with the customer in line ahead of you. On a Sunday, no less.

My 30's are going to rock. Too bad I have 9 months left until then. Ho-hum... ;)

I write weird :)

My most favorite person told me that he has a hard time reading what I write because he's never sure if there's more to it. He feels like he's missing something.

When I write, there is usually other meanings than just what's on the surface. I use writing as an outlet for thoughts, and my thoughts are usually focused on what's in front of me. But instead of coming out and telling everyone my intimate details, I think of a representation for it. My friend can see there's symbolism, but it's hard for him to process his way through it.

So take, for instance the lyrics of the song World Full of Nothing by one of my faves, Depeche Mode. (to be continued...)

Close
Naked
Skin on skin
Tears are falling
Tears of joy
Her first boy
His first girl
Makes a change
In a world full of nothing
Though it's not love
It means something

She's lonely
And he says
It's for her only
That he lusts
She doesn't trust him
Nothing is true
But he will do
In a world full of nothing
Though it's not love
It means something

It's easy to slip away and believe it all

Though it's not love
It means something

Almost every time I post a song, it's because the lyrics are poignant to me in that moment. The internet isn't a safe medium for me to go into the details of why it may be poignant. So I think of a way to vent my life without putting too much of myself out there. While it may be true that I wear my heart on my sleeve, that doesn't mean I'm reckless with it. :)

They MADE Me Switch!!

I'm all updated to the "new" blogger. Ugh. And I just got a welcome note in my gmail inbox. DOUBLE ugh.

I was so being resistent to that change. They made me change. I didn't have a "no thanks" option. I feel so violated.

Just for fun

Perfect Combinations

Bacon and orange juice

Chocolate chip cookies and milk

Boo and Harvey (my cat and my dog)

Me and my bed

A warm blanket and a heater vent

Firefly and a big screen tv

Me and my old car, my black Hyundai Sonata with tinted windows. (It matches my new phone! no wonder I love that phone so much...)

My skin and Cashmere


Less-than-perfect Combinations

Diet Coke and mint flavored gum

Coffee and my stomach

Purple pants and anything

Hard toilet paper and bums (OR the kind that leaves lint. Ew.)

Cocktail waitressing and high heels

Politicians and believability

Early Morning Reflections

(second writing. first one got deleted. lets see if I can remember... ARGH.)

In my living room I have a special corner with all my favorite things. I sit under my dimly lit paper lantern and read a book, light an incense, stare at my children's pictures, or maybe contemplate my relationships and my life. Yesterday I was enjoying my chair in my corner, and I realized I have each of my favorite things there. As I thought about it, each of my favorite things took on a symbolic representation, and I found it interesting that they're all things I strive for inside of myself. For instance:

Rainbows: a new beginning, a fresh start

Buddah: peace and tranquility

Dolphins: fun-loving and free-spirited

Dragonfly: beauty in all things

Another experience I had yesterday was that I had to wake up early, get out of my warm bed, to move my car. I grumbled as I stepped out of the front door into the bitter morning cold. It was coincidence that I happened to look up at all, but I'm glad I did. The lavendar sky was crisp and clear as it stretched out before me. The serenity of early morning calmed my flustered heart.

Spring is a time to remember life and growth. It's about surviving the dark, bleak winter. It's almost here, you know.

Since JOOM begged... :)

Since I have nothing to say really, I'll just write some ramblings about my life.

I really love my job. Last night I stopped by to pick up my paycheck. When I walked in, I saw familiar faces and it felt just a little bit like home. I sort of get why Cheers was based on reality. Hanging at a bar isn't something I'm used to doing, but I get the sense of family that those who do feel. Laurie as bartender, Julie, Scott, Ralph, and guy-I-can't-remember-the-name-of were all there at the bar and said Hey when I walked in. Soon they'll all be droning in unison, "Norm!"

There's a guy there named Unc (like the first syllable of uncle). I don't even know his real name. There's a loud-mouth trucker who's called Skinner. There's a prim Scottish guy named Brian. There's a dashing player named Shawn, aka Italian Stallion. Janice and Darryl always drink Michelob draft.

I love my job.

I love my family too. We got together for dinner on Sunday, and had a blast singing karaoke. How many families can do that? Grown-ups and kids alike, enjoying each other, singing solos and duets, and just hanging out.

My nephew Oliver had heart surgery last Friday. Check out my brother's blog and see some of the pictures. He's doing great. I saw him yesterday and would never have known he's gone through surgery in the past week. What a stud.

Ok, time to get going with my day. :) Thanks for reading, lovely people.

Happy Bloggiversary To Me...!!! (all together, now)

Hello my friends. One year ago today I created my blog and published my first post. Oh my how things have changed....

I have met people from all over who make me laugh, who inspire me to greatness (haven't gotten there yet, though), and who have become my friends. I just want to take a minute to bare my testimony of some of the bloggers who have pulled me through this past year, and got me ever closer to Finding La. :)

Sideon, Don, you're the first person I met. *sigh* You know my heart melts for you (just like all the other ladies!). You Aries, me Sagi, we are a fiery pair. My mango lotion will forever remind me of you.

JLO, Runtu, I don't even know if you read my blog anymore. I miss you, though I haven't devoted much time to the blog world lately. You doubt yourself so much, and yet you've been a life support to so many people. Plus, I still hold on to certain images which remind me to relinquish control now and then. Good life lesson.

LFAB, Carol, you are the ring leader. You are known world-wide, and you are one of the most intelligent people I know. And. More important. You are SO sweet. You can talk politics, computer geek stuff, or fashion. Diverse and funny! AND HOT! Sheesh. You've got it all, woman.

Rebecca, Rebecca, what can I say? The first thing you ever commented on my blog was that you loved it. How can I not like you? Who says you're not personable? I'll kick their butts. I think you've seen me more like Myself than most other people. Move back here. Now. You're hot too (said only because I just told Carol that, and I didn't want you to get all up in my business about not saying it to you. But see, Carol and I haven't been on a girl-date, and I never had a girl-crush on her like I did with you, so you can't be jealous).

I have bunches and bunches of other blog friends too, but those are my first 4. These are the ones who read my blog from the beginning (mostly) and who valiantly helped shape me in my tenuous first days out of the church.

One year ago today I had submitted my paperwork to have my name removed from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. My childhood religion.

One year ago today I was new to the exmo world, and I spent ungodly amounts of time on the RFM message board.

One year ago today I still had brown hair.

One year ago today I weighed lots more (not sure how much, but damn if I'm not in a size 16 now for the first time since high school. YEE HAW!!)

One year ago today I didn't know that I'm beautiful. (except today, because I have the flu.)

One year ago today I was uptight and naive and I thought I'd experienced everything I ever could sexually. I was wrong.

One year ago today was the first step in a long, arduous journey that I've undertaken. I've never felt more free, content, and excited about life than I have since letting go of my religion. It's been such an amazing year. Ups, downs, and plateaus made this one of my best years ever. Here's to (at least) 50 more, just like it!!

Cheers!

My Kids Are Awesome

So I've been thinking lately that I really need to tackle and conquer my faults as a mother. You know, the things that make you realize that you are turning into your parents. One of my issues to work on is that I need to pay more attention to my kids; be more involved in their development as human beings (as opposed to their development into mini-Laura's). I've come up with a few things I can do to pay more attention to them.

I guess all this thought I've given to this topic has automatically turned my attention to my kids. I have been a little more patient, as far as I can tell. I've become just a little more amused by their antics, instead of being pissed off.

Anyhow, I was just sitting here watching them. Their PBS show had ended, and it was listing the sponsors of the program. During that part they were yelling at each other; but in a funny way. Then the tv had a little song play during the "commercial". When the music started, they jumped off the couch and started bouncing up and down on the floor, in rhythm to the song.

My son ran over to where I was and almost hit his head on the corner of the desk. I didn't yell at him, but instead I fake-sternly told him to Watch It! I suppose that's neat to no one else but me. Oh well. My son then ran back and forth across the room, and he was delighted that I was watching. His little eyes sparkled.

*sigh*

This will be a good change for me. :)

Sometimes a song says it better...

Song for a Winter's Night by Sarah McLachlan

The lamp is burning low upon my table top
The snow is softly falling
The air is still in the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly calling

If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter's night with you

The smoke is rising, in the shadows overhead
My glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon each page
The words of love you send me

If I could know within my heart
That you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter's night with you

The fire is dying, my lamp is growing dim,
The shades of night are lifting
The morning light steals across my window pane
Where webs of snow are drifting

If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter's night with you
And to be once again with you.

Cold Hands, and a Not-So-Pure Heart

It's cold. Damn cold. And this weekend it's forcasted to be colder. JHC. (our Lord's initials, for all you non-blasphemers out there)

I'm sitting here blogging fully dressed (as opposed to how I'm normally blogging...!) and wearing my coat too. I don't think I'd type as well if I were wearing gloves, so I haven't resorted to that yet. I'm close though.

**tangent alert**

JOOM: totally come hang if you're here. Seriously.

Rebecca: who's the "ho" exactly??

DFB: Yeah it had meaning. Bite me. Oh and let's watch Return of the King.

**whew, survived the tangent**

So all I want to do is stay in a warm bath or the hot tub all day long. As soon as I get out, even though it successfully raised my body temperature, I get cold again.

I used to love the cold. But now I don't. I can picture myself living in a climate that either A) doesn't ever change more that 20 degrees one way or the other or B) somewhere hot. Although, mid-summer I get pretty miserable if it's too hot. Maybe I'll migrate south to St. George, UT in October and back north to Rexburg, ID in April like my grandparents used to.

Until that time, sadly, my hands will swell and shrink with the ginormous temperature span here in Utah. Or maybe I can get Tom Clark to knit me AWESOME pussy-gloves to match my AWESOME pussy-cap. :)

Interesting...

You are the World

Completion, Good Reward.

The World is the final card of the Major Arcana, and as such represents saturnian energies, time, and completion.

The World card pictures a dancer in a Yoni (sometimes made of laurel leaves). The Yoni symbolizes the great Mother, the cervix through which everything is born, and also the doorway to the next life after death. It is indicative of a complete circle. Everything is finally coming together, successfully and at last. You will get that Ph.D. you've been working for years to complete, graduate at long last, marry after a long engagement, or finish that huge project. This card is not for little ends, but for big ones, important ones, ones that come with well earned cheers and acknowledgements. Your hard work, knowledge, wisdom, patience, etc, will absolutely pay-off; you've done everything right.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Words

We all know the phrase "actions speak louder than words". But there is a power to words that we don't often acknowledge as we trudge through the daily grind. Just the fact that we have a phrase like "actions speak louder than words" signifies that we associate words with ideas to get desired actions. Words, definitions, metaphors, and many others are tools we utilize to be understood, and to try to understand others.

I remember when I first met Eric. Ever and over-eager, he used to tell me "I love you" nearly constantly. I got a fax one time that had the phrase "Je Taime" written on it probably 500 times, if not more. While I liked being spoiled with it at first, it did get old. It lost its meaning through repetition. Besides, I come from a family of people who talk alot, but don't easily delve into their emotions and feelings. For some reason, it's easier for us to talk about farts, for gods sake, than it is to discuss things that make us really uneasy, like love. Weird.

By contrast, my wedding ring (the one I truly consider my wedding ring, not the actual ring I got when getting married) has a phrase engraved on it: "You and no other". Actually, it too is in French; "Vu et nul autre" is what it really says. Those words have been consistently powerful to me, especially on something like a ring, which is symbolic in so many ways.

I'm coming up on my 1 year bloggaversary in a couple of weeks. In looking back over the past year, I wonder why it is that I was able to let the church go so fluidly and completely. (OK, so it's not completely gone, but it only holds a very minor portion of my thoughts anymore) Why is that? Do I just have a personality that lets things go easily, even things that were the most important thing in my life for many years? How come my transition has been this easy?

Here's what I think: I think that through the words I've written, and the ideas I've formulated and let go into the universe, that I truly have had some benefit which maybe lots of people who exit the church don't have. Yep, I'm saying that my words have actually help heal me. Is that crazy talk?

For the most part, day to day, my actions validate my words. Or invalidate them. But to see the power of communication and understanding to its fullest, we must have a good foundation in sharing our common language. Sharing the words that we hold inside. Releasing the emotions we feel, through words. Communicating, I once learned, is a two-sided method to maintain and establish lasting relationships and a sense of community, of belonging.

*Blink* *Blink* Is it over?

Yeah these holidays were a whirlwind, no doubt. I think my daughter had The Best Reaction Ever to a Christmas present, so it was a good time for me too.

New Year's Eve I had to work, which was actually okay given my job and all. The party was a little lame, but lots of people got really drunk, so I'm sure they were having fun. We even had a legitimate bar fight, albeit out in the parking lot. So that was exciting! I'm still suffering from the severe lack of sleep I've had lately. But my cold is gone (mostly) and my cough is only a couple of times a day so that's really nice.

So Sideon blew through town (pun intended) and we didn't even get to see him!! Can you believe it? Hmph. 724 miles apart for most of the year, and this one little chance was blown (again, intended). Oh well, maybe next time. I just wanted to see Midas, really, so whatever. :)

This year will be a stressful one. But the good news is that I'm ready to face it head on, overcome challenges, and try to grow and be a better person. OH, and I want to lose 20 more pounds. So that'll be fun. Peace!