Black Celebration

Crappy picture taken by my temporary replacement phone.

This represents only part of what's left of my phone. There are probably another 4 or 5 pieces which Eric is trying to pull information off of.

So here we meet to honor the short life of my LG. It's been through a lot with me this past year. It's been present and witnessed joy, pain, drunkenness, love, boredom, and so many more experiences. It's rainbow lights flashed with every phone call or text message it received. Those rainbow lights always made me smile. The vibrate function made me smile too, and its' power is unmatched (Get your mind out of the gutter!! Our relationship was strictly plutonic.).

I'm sure I'll love my upgrade phone too, eventually. But it will never be the same as this one.

Rest in peace (or in pieces!) in the trash, sweet LG. You'll never be forgotten.

Well, shit...

I love my cell phone. My cute little LG with the rainbow lights. My cute pictures. My cute saved/locked text messages. My cute videos of the baby swan-diving off the couch onto some pillows. And videos of other stuff too *cough* which I won't go into detail about. It's all very precious to me, vain though it may be.

I seriously get panicky when I don't have it. After visiting my brother's house this evening, I realized that I didn't have it. I couldn't go back over there because the kids were in bed. So I had Eric go over there after he got off work. He and my brother looked all around the house for it. They couldn't hear it ringing, and they scoured the place in search of it.

So here's what they found: my cute little rainbow-lighted phone in several pieces on the road in front of his house. Like, irrepairable. Like, gone. I'm physically depressed about this... Time for chemical solace.

Things To Do On a Friday Night: The Sequel

I've had 4, FOUR, separate hits tonight of people who googled the words "what to do on a friday night". I figure it's my duty to help these poor, bored souls out... These have all been tried and tested by ME!

*Take a friend and stuff them into the trunk of your car. Do it in a highly conspicuous area, and make sure their hands/feet are hog-tied, and there's sufficient duct tape on their mouth. Make sure other people see your struggle. Drive away laughing your guts out and yelling "You better shut it back there!!"

*Take rolls and rolls of butcher paper up to your local mountain/hill and use it to spell the initial of your preferred college. Anchor it down with rocks or else it'll blow away.

*Dumpster Diving. 'Nuff said.

*Skinny dipping, hiking, or possibly streaking, though make sure you don't get arrested.

*Billboard dancing. Climb up on the billboard of your choice and dance away. This might possibly get you arrested too, so be careful.

*Drive to somewhere with legalized gambling. Here in UT we'd go to Wendover, NV or Mesquite, NV. Don't take any money. Hit on the hottest guy you've ever known, and spend the night in his hotel room with him. Remember his name and his Armani suit 10+ years later. *sigh*

*Hop fences into peoples back yards and use their hot tubs. Although, now as a homeowner with a hot tub, I'd kick your ass if you hopped my fence. So beware and be quiet.

*Sneak into movies.

*Get hypnotized on stage by a comedian. Make ass of self.

*Karaoke. Any time, anywhere, anybody. Ah, sweet karaoke. My friend.

Ok well if you haven't figured out something to do by now, I don't think I can help you much. Take special note here: none of these things involve alcohol, and most of them will get you into trouble. Be well...go forth...

Jealousy

Since Chanson and I are going to fight over JLO, I decided I'd talk about my shortcomings over here, instead of hogging her comment space.

Regarding my earlier post about certain beliefs I have, there's another subtopic I want to discuss. I said, "The way I interpret others' actions is based on my own life experiences and insecurities, and is therefore biased." This is something I really have to tell myself over and over again, because I've found that I'm somewhat of a jealous person. I guess I always have been, but I've never acknowledged it until recently.

I don't get jealous in the sense of envy or bitterness; I don't guard things vigilantly; I'm not jealous like "god", intolerant of disloyalty or unfaithfulness. So how am I jealous?? I found the definition of jealous that best describes me, and it most certainly has to do with my insecurities:

"Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position."

I suppose I feel like I'm easily replaceable, not so very unique, and teetering precariously on the edge of oblivion. In my logical mind I know that no one else can make these feelings disappear. I know that I have to find validation within myself. This is something I seek, every day. Self-worth. I seek the voices inside myself that tell me I'm a rockin lady on my own merits, not by borrowed qualities.

So there you go! How's that for an insightful peek into La...and all that entails? (sorry to borrow your creativity, Rebecca! ;-))

Thoughts about Life: part 1

I believe that "god" is a collective energy. Humanity. In the musical Les Miserables it says: "To love another person is to see the face of god." I believe this is true in a figurative sense. When we love others, we are most plugged into Humanity. We feel happiness. We are most receptive to feeling the collective energy of those around us.

I believe that we as humans have no pre-set purpose for existing. "Why are we here?" is a moot, generalized question. Why does that deer exist up there on that mountain? Why did that serf exist in 1344? Irrelevent, all of it. We are part of the circle of life, just the same as billions of humans before us, just the same as all living things. And so, because I have no specific guideline or reason for existing (other than simply "I exist"), I set for myself a purpose. And that purpose is to experience all walks of life and culture. My self-determined reason for existence is to find and cherish the Best of Humanity. (subtopic for another time: how to define the "Best of Humanity")

I believe that I am responsible for my own actions. I can choose to do something, or not choose it, and my reasons are my own. The way I interpret others' actions is based on my own life experiences and insecurites, and is therefore biased. The way others interpret my actions is based on their own life experiences and insecurities, and is therefore biased. No one can truly and exactly understand another human being. But I find I'm most at peace with myself and am positively connected to the collective energy of Humanity when I'm actively engaged in trying to understand others. I believe that relationships are most functional when the parties involved care enough to put themselves into their partner's place and look at things from their point of view. It's a journey, a path, but one without destination. Just walking the path of Trying To Understand is courageous and speaks volumes as to one's priorities.

I believe that attacking others based on your own personal preferences or opinions of how life ought to be is destructive and counterproductive. I believe to do so actually pulls one further from Humanity, and creates a harder time of plugging back in.

The Interview

We didn't think we would survive the trip, I have to admit that much. We had been gone from the house for nearly 2 hours when we remembered that both of us forgot to pack Eric's suit into the car. There were 2 other major crises, but we made it. Thanks to our dear, amazing friend Sideon and to Eric's sweet, generous family, we really were able to enjoy our short trip to the East Bay.

The interview went well, according to Eric. It's for a company that does construction project management in the Bay Area. They are looking for someone who can do most everything, especially brochure writing/marketing. Eric is the type of person who would be able to do ANYTHING and do it well. He just has to be given a chance.

So we're waiting to hear. This is the crappy part, for sure. We both really liked the cities we visited, so it would be great if it works out. We'll be sure to keep y'all posted! :)

Dave Took This...

Week 2

Dave was in San Diego this past weekend at the Utah/San Diego State football game. In honor of me also being in California, though not in SoCal, here is this week's picture deluxe, Coronado bridge and all. From Dave:

"Do you know what kicks all ass? The U.S. Naval Fleet. I was told by the San Diego cab driver that this is the USS Kitty Hawk, although I had thought that ship was forward-deployed in Japan right now. If it's true, I kind of feel lucky that it was in port while I was there, as it is an important part of history and still an important part of our fleet. The USS Kitty Hawk is currently the oldest active ship in the U.S. Navy (commissioned in 1961), and it is also the most decorated. This is taken with a very long zoom across the harbor but I hope you get a sense of the size of this thing."

Ping! Oh no, depth charges!

Hello from sunny CA!

Just a quick hi to my blog friends. We're in california for a job interview for Eric. We'll be back in Happy Valley tomorrow, and I'll write about how it went. Or Eric will. :) I hope all is well with y'all.

Okay, that's SERIOUSLY the last straw... (or rather, last pair of panties)

I hope the ASPCA isn't reading this because I'm about to kill my dog...

He eats my goddamn underwear!! Panties, bras, all of them. GRRR... I mean, I know they're hot. And Eric says I'm tasty ;) , but there has GOT to be a way to curb this.

I don't have the money to keep replenishing this snack for him. Give me a break!!

Faith on Friday

From The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce, as introduced to me by my friend JLO.

FAITH, n.
Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

On days when my understanding was less than pristine, I often turned to the primary song "Faith" to reassure myself. It says:

Faith is knowing the sun will rise, lighting each new day.
Faith is knowing the Lord will hear my prayers each time I pray.
Faith is like a little seed, if planted it will grow.
Faith is the swelling within my heart: when I do right I know.

*I know the sun will rise based on it happening every day for the span of my nearly 29 years.
*How can one ever KNOW the Lord will hear your prayers, for a fact? I think it's more likely to HOPE for the Lord to hear your prayers, and leave the faith/knowledge out of it.
*Obviously a little seed needs proper care in order to grow. But they say that faith does too. What about those one seeds that grow without intentional care? What are they?? And how about weeds? And can my faith seed be of the hemp variety?
*I think the "swelling" being felt is something primary kids shouldn't be singing about...
*When I do right I know. When I do wrong I know. When I don't care I know. When I drink coffee I know. When I use the bathroom I know. So what???

< /ramblings >

Fury, thy name is La

In 4th grade the children learn about Utah's history. They learn about the formation of the state, the pioneers, the native americans, the dinosaurs, etc. They learn about Utah's natural resources, about the industries.

Today my friend is on a field trip with her son's 4th grade class. Where would be a neat place to learn about some Utah history? State capitol? This Is The Place state park (where they can see how pioneers might've lived)? How about Kennecott Copper Mine? Even a local Pow Wow would be pretty cool to get some culture and history all at once.

This particular 4th grade is on their field trip to the Church Museum of History. That's right, folks. Church owned and operated, cute missionary couples and all. Mormon propaganda centrale.

Every exhibit in that building, whether historical or artistic, has blatant reference to the church or its' doctrine. What kind of secular education is that? My poor friend is chaperoning and she's formulating the complaint letter in her brain this very minute. And don't even presume my feelings on this topic have anything to do with me leaving the saints. No, I would've felt this very same way during my most active, believing days as a Mormon. This is wrong. Period.

Just a Reminder

Don't forget to check out Know Your Blogger at it's new home, a new eric. :)

Oh, great!

You always worry that your kid will be that kid. You know. The kind with the helmet.

We've known for a while now. Yep, our greatest fears have come true. Take a look at this:

When will the crazies all find an island to go dwell on??

Some people kill their children. Some people kill to get children.

I really cannot say I "don't understand how people can do this". We all manifest Crazy in our own ways, and sometimes hormones (do NOT underestimate them), environment, and other influences make the Crazy take over.

Let's just take, for example, the story of Stephanie Ochsenbine. She was attacked last Friday in Missouri, and her throat was slashed. If and when I ever get my throat slashed, and multiple stab wounds on top of that, I hope I have the presence of mind to walk to my neighbors house for help. But I digress...

Stephanie was just being nice (allegedly) when she invited a strange woman into her home to borrow the phone and use the bathroom. I wonder if the woman looked creepy, and her Crazy was showing through. If you can tell someone has the Crazy, they're far enough gone that they should be avoided at all costs.

Stephanie's infant daughter was abducted. I think that event might've killed me, had I been the victim here. I probably would've finished the throat slashing myself. Did I mention that hormones, especially post-partum, should not be underestimated?

I just feel sad for all the people involved here...

Alex Took This...

Week 1

Welcome to my new weekly feature: Alex or Dave Took This...

My brother just purchased a great camera. We're sitting here making fried chicken--which by that, I mean we're sitting here doing the NY Times crossword puzzle and talking--and the idea came to us that we need to publish Dave's awesome pictures. The camera is so good that it deserves public recognition.

Sometimes, the pictures will be taken by my nephew. He is 11 years old and he takes pretty great pictures, I have to say.

Imagine no possessions

We don't need no stinkin reasons!

A Sunday morning, especially post night-of-severe-partying, would be a good day to sleep in later than normal. But sometimes kids, barking dogs, phone calls from crazy mothers, and cold feet (literal!) hinder much-needed sleep, and cause Sunday morning blogging instead.

I like anniversaries!

Anniversaries were invented for people like me, who like to remember events and dwell on the past. Or maybe they're for those who just want any little excuse to party! Seriously, any day can be a celebration of something or other. For instance, today we could throw a party in honor of the signing of the US Constitution in 1787. Or we could plan a birthday party for the city of Boston, MA. Hell, if we were really desperate, we might remember this as the day Jim Morrison sang "Girl, we couldn't get much higher" on national tv or the airing of the first episode of M.A.S.H.

See? The possiblities are endless.

Today my brother (who incidentally was 18 days old when the Jim Morrison/Ed Sullivan debacle happened) is coming over and we're making Fried Chicken. I think we'll do it in honor of the birth of Bryan Singer. We missed him in X3, damnit.

So if you were going to celebrate this day, what would be your reason?

Favorite cartoon, EVER

My friends are the world's best, just so you know

For only the third time, last night I "came out" about my disaffection for mormonism to a friend. There are several friends that I intentionally avoid telling, for various reasons. I've found that I only tell the ones I trust explicitly.

The friend I told last night I've known since I've had the ability to know. I mean, I was just out of diapers when we started playing together. My early childhood memories almost ALL have her in them in some capacity. When our group of friends sees each other now, we can laugh for hours at the nonsense and havoc we created.

But last night we didn't reminisce much about the old days. Mostly we talked of our own self-discoveries, life, family, and relationships. It was such a grown-up conversation! :) I'm glad that we were able to get to know each other a little better and that we both have a solid interest in the others' peace of mind.

Living Room Window

Sheets of rain blow past me
Leaves tumbling to and fro
Low rumbling of thunder
Earth is renewing itself.

And then it stops.
It is quiet.

Reflections of reflections

MMM...no better way to start the morning than with a nice hot cup of Hazelnut Creme coffee, sweetened with monkey placenta and non-fat creamer.

Okay all you nay-sayers out there: I don't care about where stuff comes from. Rebecca has tried to scare me into not eating meat products. Was she successful? Is President Bush's approval rating rising? Oh say can you see the McDonald's two cheeseburger extra value meal...

The idea of my friend, Splenda, coming from the embryonic sac of primates just makes it all the more interesting. Who knew monkey placenta could be so versatile? You can use it in drinks, because it dissolves like a mofo, and you can use it in baking! The best part? Picturing a little monkey in my cup, wishing me a pleasant day.

Reflections

MMM... no better way to start the morning than with Hazelnut Creme coffee. Toasty warm, sweetened and creamed.

I think--and this is purely a theory, though it's not based on evidence--that scientists will find a link between Splenda and ebola virus. Or hepatitis. Or poison ivy.

Splenda is too good to be good for me. That's where my theory comes from. It's sort of like the whole red M&M thing back in the 50's. Those little candies, delicious to the taste buds, had cancer-causing ingredients in the red candy coating. So therefore I will die from Splenda.

There are just some things that make life worth getting out of bed every day. Hot coffee in the morning, dragonflies, and hot tubbing on a cool evening, under the stars and full moon (BOTH kinds of full moon!). An early morning cheers to the awesome things in life...

Token Blah-g

It's a really slow day, and I'm lying in bed because my stomach is bothering me. So I'm just writing a post for the helluvit. There's nothing going on today...

I should try that carnival of the veil sometime.

Do you know what will probably not help my stomach? The egg salad I'm working on making. But it sounds so GOOOODD!

Did everyone see my post about the Party next year? I didn't get appropriate enthusiasm or support, so I think I'll just keep nagging you guys.

K leave a comment, cause that's a nice thing to read while I'm here in bed. :) The snazzier the better, I always say.

Love of a child

I had a moment of REO earlier. (That's random emotional outburst, for those not in the know)

My 6 yr old daughter and I were watching the dateline special about United flight 93. She had learned about the significance of this date in school today, so she was interested in hearing more about the story.

Jane Pauley would talk and interview family members of the passengers, and I'd explain to my daughter in words she could understand. I cried through the whole second half of the show. At one point, I asked her if she knew why I was crying. She said she didn't.

"What would you do if we got a phone call from daddy, saying that he loves us and telling us goodbye," I asked her. "What if he called us, knowing that he would die in the next few minutes?"

She got quiet. She looked to the television, then back to me. "Mommy, when will daddy be home from work? Will I be awake?" Gut-wrenching.

For a moment, in her innocence, I had the realization that all my anger is uncalled for and my opinions of how children should behave are superfluous, and I need to think of her as a human being. At any moment we could be ripped apart from each other, and I don't want her memories of me to be someone who was bugged by her presence. She's teaching me so much about life.

It's a Party!

Next year is a milestone year for me. As such, I'm throwing a big huge party on Halloween. That's right, folks, plan for it. Halloween 2007.

As of right now, the party is being planned for here in Utah. If by some miracle we get a better opportunity elsewhere, we'll just say, "Hey we moved. Party is now in _____." You have over a year to plan, and we'll give you sufficient notice if it changes. :)

Party. Utah. Halloween. 2007. Come to it.

Why do I still have my scriptures?

Recently we had a friend over at our house, just hanging out and chatting. We were in my living room, where I have 2 small bookcases. One of the bookcases is full of fiction books we regularly re-read, and the other is full of non-fiction books that we sometimes peruse. Well, it used to be full of non-fiction books. But then I left the church. I didn’t feel it necessary to keep all my old study manuals and general authority books around, so I tossed them. The top shelf now only has a family history book, a FARMS book that I want to keep because of its ridiculousness, a CES conference summary manual and my set of large print scriptures.

Our friend casually asked us why we have the scriptures there on the shelf. This is a very good question to ask! Why do I keep my scriptures right there, highly accessible, when I never read them anymore? Why do I keep them in the first place?

I loved the scriptures. This is not to say that I read them every day or that I knew them backwards and forwards. But I did love them. I loved cross-referencing. I loved making sense of things by comparing stories in the scriptures to my own life. I loved thinking of the scriptures historically. I especially loved reading the Book of Abraham, the Book of Mormon, and the Old Testament, in that order.

Just because I left the church doesn’t mean my feelings for certain things have gone away. I still think back on my days of teaching early-morning seminary fondly. I still love the stuff I learned at the CES conference I attended a few years back. And I still have residual love of the scriptures.

I guess the simple answer to my friend’s question is that I keep the scriptures just because. I don’t feel a need to purge them from my house or my life. I don’t take them as divine word anymore, but I still like them for the stories. Also, I guess you could call it a cultural decision. Our society is affected by the bible on so many levels, and to not understand it is ignorance.

I’m not bitter or angry for the 28 years I spent entrenched in the church. Some days I get a little sad, but mostly I’m looking forward.

Stay By Me

by Annie Lennox

Stay by me

And make the moment last.

Please take these lips

Even if I have been kissed

A million times.

And I don’t care if there is no tomorrow

When I could die here in your arms

Even if the stars have made us blind

We’re blind, we’re blind

So blind in love.

So blind in love.

Sweet darling

Don’t you know

That we’re no different to anyone?

We stumble

We falter

But we’re no different than anyone.

And all the winter snow has melted down

Into a pool of silver water

And we were standing in a thundercloud

Dark as your hair

Dark as your hair.

So blind in love.

So blind in love.

Things to do on a Friday Night (no life? read on...)

Blog

Check blog stats

Text message friend in NYC who has uber-life.

Put kids to bed and drink with husband, who's blogging from his PDA.

Beg various friends to come over and chill in the hot tub.

Upon rejection from said friends, get in hot tub with husband and fool around.

Think of ways to increase traffic on blog.

Collapse into bed, hoping for a better tomorrow.

The 12 Suggested Steps of Bloggaholics Anonymous

1) We admitted we were powerless over blogging--that our lives had become unmanageable.

2) Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Such as, but not limited to, Marijuana.

3) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. But since what we understood of God is wrong, disregarded that decision, and just said “Fuck it”, and recommitted to Marijuana.

4) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, our stash and our blog.

5) Admitted to Marijuana, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our excessive blog intake.

6) Were entirely ready to have Marijuana remove all need to blog.

7) Humbly asked Blogger to remove our login information.

8) Made a list of all blogs we had read, and became willing to delete them all from our Favorites. Until realization how long of a list that would be, so instead, made cookies and drank beer.

9) Made direct farewell comments to linked blogs wherever possible, except when to do so would be too much trouble for us to go to.

10) Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it while we taped our fingers together, making it impossible, if not just really really hard, to type.

11) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our various Contacts for Pot, as we understood Them, praying only for knowledge of Its location and price per half-ounce.

12) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to bloggoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. ALL of them, extra-marital or otherwise. Even carried the message to the kid that bags the groceries and the old lady picking up her thyroid medication. Kinda got annoying about spreading the message.

Wake Me Up

"here comes the rain again

falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends"

-green day

Alfalfa

Alfalfa is a short green bushy plant, maybe knee-high. When it blooms, the flowers are a deep purple. If you're looking at it from a distance you can't see the flowers; it just looks like a rich green field. You have to get closer to see the purple tops.

Picture a big green field spread out in front of you, lush and thick, with popcorn popping above it! It's a funny sight! It looks like popcorn, but really, it's hundreds of white butterflies, dancing as they pollinate. Watching them is like watching a fire; you could just stare and stare and lose all track of time.

Horses love fresh alfalfa. We used to have a fence lining our property, and the other side had horses. I'd go outside seeking quiet, and I'd approach the fence. This one horse would see me and silently make his way to our usual spot. He was tan with a black mane and tail, and he knew what I was there for. He knew I would give him a treat. I'd pick bunches of alfalfa (this was before my parents landscaped) and rub his nose as he chomped away. Have you ever had a horse look you in the eyes like he knew you? Like he and you were connected? It's amazing.

Anyway, back to alfalfa. So then the farmer comes and harvests the crop, leaving it in cut pile lines. After it dries, a baler comes and bales it. And then it's hay. Weird, huh?

D'ya ever get that urge??

You know, the desire to just get up and go. Leave. Choose a random place, or not, and just get lost? It reminds me of that song by Lonestar, called "What About Now". It's about a guy who finds a cheap car for sale, and is imploring his woman (?) to drop everything and just drive with him. No destination.

"Let's take that spin that never ends that we've been talking about"

*sigh*

Maybe someday, huh?

Compartmentalization

Tucking things (ideas, events, facts, memories) away, recovering them on an as-needed basis.

I cannot do this. I'm trying, because it seems like a decent coping mechanism. I wish I could find a spot for hurts or pains or ends. But I tend to dwell on things. Situations stay forefront in my mind until something else comes along to replace it, or with time it just becomes less vivid.

For people like me, leaving the church is an abrupt and concise journey. When I first learned about the Book of Abraham being funeral writings, the rest of the doctrine crumbled from there. I had no basis for rationalizing any of it. Piece by piece it fell, until all my beliefs laid scattered at my feet, and I was naked and vulnerable. I don't presume that my journey was any more traumatic than anyone else's; in fact, it was probably way less traumatic. But early on I desperately sought after reasons, ways to rationalize it and tuck the truth away. It just didn't happen.

Now here I am. I dealt with the pain, the grief, and the end of my mormon life. I'm moving on. A new life has replaced it, though the new life is still awkward and fumbling. I have new pains now, ones which I'm dwelling on. They, too, will fade. I'll be okay.

Farewell, Crocodile Hunter

Steve Irwin died. Can you believe it? He was filming for a show called "Ocean's Deadliest" and, irony of ironies, he got killed by a sting ray.

Crocodile Hunter was a show our whole family enjoyed, back when we had cable. Steve Irwin was so funny, but it's not easy to explain why. I guess it's his excitement, his passion for things that most people stay far away from. He gets like a little kid when he actually finds what he's looking for. Anyhow, he had a uniquely endearing charm, and I'll miss knowing that he's out there.

So far, so so

I survived the weekend, and no one got into any fights. We have one more gathering tomorrow, and with various non-relatives that will be there, I'm pretty sure we'll all be on our best behavior.

Things I learned at my half-brother's baptism:

1) The Holy Ghost's method of communication is equivalent to, or at least comparible to, dropping a nail onto a chalk board tray. If you're making fun of the object lesson with your older sister, you won't be able to hear the Holy Ghost.

2) When you have 2 voices talking to you--one telling you to obey your mother and go inside, and the other telling you to keep playing because it's fun--the one telling you to obey is the Holy Ghost. I thought, at first, that it was fear of beatings by said mother, but I was wrong.

3) The Holy Ghost will help us to choose the right. Without it, we're pretty much incapable of making good decisions.

That's all I learned. I wish I'd paid more attention...

Joys of Family

My half-brother is getting baptized today. I haven't stepped foot in an LDS chapel in, oh, 8 months now. But I get to today!

I'm dreading today a little bit. My oldest, and TBM, brother is in town, and apparently he's having issues. He's been acting cranky and he snapped at me a couple of times. I am not going to make any further effort to see him while he's here, but he'll be at a couple other family events, including today's baptism, so I can't avoid him altogether.

Part of me, the part that used to fight my non-mo brother and condemn him to hell, wants to fight about the NON-truthfulness of the church. But I'll go against my nature here, because really, the thought of that just makes me tired. He will either accept me as I am or not, and why put any energy into swaying his decision either way?

Here's one thing I've noticed though, but I can't prove that it's directly related to my exit from mormonism: I'm more able to see his point of view and adjust my behavior accordingly. After being allowed to calm down, vent with my sister, and talk with my husband and a friend, I realize clearly that my brother has other, extraneous issues that could be fueling his crankiness. I think I'm an easy target here because he knows I left the church and doesn't know how to deal with that.

Now, what do I wear? I don't own a dress. Skirt it is....

A flashback

My nearly 2 yr. old son is trodding about the family room wearing his dad's size 12 Adidas tennis shoes. The tongue of the shoe comes up mid-shin on my son. He's also putting his arm down the hole of a thermal, non-skid, slipper sock. He's sucking on the other hand's thumb.

I'm having a moment.

God, I remember the pain of his birth. I had an epidural, but for some reason it didn't work. That Indian anesthesiologist was clueless. I didn't cry from the pain, nor did I scream, but I certainly was vocal and had to force myself to focus on breathing and relaxing. Of course, that didn't help alleviate anything, but it was something to pass the time.

It only lasted a half hour, maybe an hour tops. They turned the lights down during the birth, except for the big spotlight illuminating everything private. That kid's head was ginormous. Most of the pushing was to get his big ol' head out. As soon as I'd accomplished that, everything felt different.

Euphoria. That's what it was. I was swooning, the pain was GONE, and we had our little boy in our lives. He was smushy faced and chubby. My daughter was brought back into the room, and she developed the bond with him right then. She held him and loved him and was SO sweet.

Here's a pic capturing those moments, and who the H cares if I look crappy. I just gave birth! :)