Thursday, August 03, 2006

I hate crying!

(Thinking of JLO's post about crying)

When I was a kid, I was a cry-baby. I'm the youngest of six kids, and a girl, and so I learned quickly (however subconsciously) that crying was an effective tool to get my way. Ok, well I don't really know that I used it for manipulation, but likely I did. Mostly, I felt misunderstood.

My next oldest brother and I fought ALL the time. Seriously. He despised me tagging along with him, and I despised him for despising me. We never got along. Oh, except that one time we were on a long road trip and he and I made fun of my mom's love of the Chris DeBurgh song, Lady in Red. That was one day we were united.

So I would cry all the time. Cry to my mom, cry about my mom not punishing my brother, and cry about other stuff that I won't mention because my older siblings read this blog and they'll just call me a spoiled brat. :)

The crying throughout my teenage years was depressive and hormonal. *rolling eyes* I do not miss those days.

But then I stopped crying. Movies didn't make me cry anymore, Hallmark commercials didn't, boys didn't, nothing. As an adult, I cried when my parents got divorced 9 years ago. I cried while bearing my testimony. Yeah, just talking about Christ would get me all worked up. I cried when my best friend's husband shot himself, leaving her with 1 child and pregnant with another. So my adult crying has had some basis, I believe. I could probably work up a cry now, just thinking of those same things. I don't know why, but this is also the time where I really started to hate crying. Despise it. Hide it. Crying = bad. Hmm...

Since leaving the church in spirit last November, I've turned back into that cry-baby. Ok, well not that bad. I guess, while some people are full of anger and outrage, I'm full of depression and remorse. Even knowing that "the church was all I knew", it's still hard for me to understand how I could ever have believed it.

Here's what's funny: 10 years from now, I'll probably look back on this time in my life and roll my eyes. Hopefully I'll be that much closer, then, to balance and peace.

4 comments:

Eric said...

I have much more poignant cries as an adult than when I was young, even though I'm more apt to cry at commercials these days. As many of you who have followed my own progression (both religious and personal) know, I don't bottle my emotions nearly as much as I used to. I find myself more susceptible to crying than I used to be.

In ten years, lets cry ourselves to tears over the things we've cried about in our lives, OK?

Eric

La said...

I hope I'm more stable in 10 years. Thus...less crying. But who knows.

Weird to think of us at 38 and 40, huh?

dfb said...

What's so weird about 38 and 40?

La said...

Is it weird for you to picture yourself at 48? Pushing 50? That's all I'm saying. Nothing weird about the AGE, just weird to think of myself in 10 years.