Something that's been bugging me lately is why I take things so personally. For instance, on my husband's blog, A New Eric, his mom commented that she never "believed he was mormon". (sorry for bringing this up here, but it seems a good forum)
Is it the Sagittarian in me that still pays lip service, to a miniscule degree, to the religion in which I no longer believe? Why do I care? Eric never did get into the church as much as I did, but that's to be expected. I was born into it. It was my culture. Eric did, however, become very active. We went to church every week. He taught the older teenagers in Sunday School. Here in Utah he was one of the upper-level callings, Ward Clerk. That means he got to sit in on all the juicy meetings (the content of some of said meetings actually helped in my exit).
I knew that there was something wrong though. He never "fulfilled his priesthood duties". He didn't give/offer blessings. He didn't lead the family, in prayers, family home evening, or other such mormon mandates. I always attributed his lack of gung-ho-ness (it IS a word) to his never having lived in the mormon culture. He had no example of these things, and so it was new and very strange to him. So maybe there were signs of his non-mormon-ness (again...a word).
For me, though, I never in a million years would've thought this is where I'd end up. Throughout turmoil, throughout changes and moves, the one common denominator was my belief in Joseph Smith and the Restoration. Hindsight, I can see I was much too liberal for mormons. I had bursts of feminism, but I was able to tuck those away and be proud to be a mormon woman, a "queen of Israel".
I can watch that mormon South Park episode and laugh my guts out. It's so clearly false. It's so clearly crap. But then why am I still defensive? I don't like thinking mormon; I've done fairly well at disassociation so far. Then occasionally, these thoughts creep back in, and they piss me off.