Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Defending the faith, or lack of it, or whatever...

Something that's been bugging me lately is why I take things so personally. For instance, on my husband's blog, A New Eric, his mom commented that she never "believed he was mormon". (sorry for bringing this up here, but it seems a good forum)

Is it the Sagittarian in me that still pays lip service, to a miniscule degree, to the religion in which I no longer believe? Why do I care? Eric never did get into the church as much as I did, but that's to be expected. I was born into it. It was my culture. Eric did, however, become very active. We went to church every week. He taught the older teenagers in Sunday School. Here in Utah he was one of the upper-level callings, Ward Clerk. That means he got to sit in on all the juicy meetings (the content of some of said meetings actually helped in my exit).

I knew that there was something wrong though. He never "fulfilled his priesthood duties". He didn't give/offer blessings. He didn't lead the family, in prayers, family home evening, or other such mormon mandates. I always attributed his lack of gung-ho-ness (it IS a word) to his never having lived in the mormon culture. He had no example of these things, and so it was new and very strange to him. So maybe there were signs of his non-mormon-ness (again...a word).

For me, though, I never in a million years would've thought this is where I'd end up. Throughout turmoil, throughout changes and moves, the one common denominator was my belief in Joseph Smith and the Restoration. Hindsight, I can see I was much too liberal for mormons. I had bursts of feminism, but I was able to tuck those away and be proud to be a mormon woman, a "queen of Israel".

I can watch that mormon South Park episode and laugh my guts out. It's so clearly false. It's so clearly crap. But then why am I still defensive? I don't like thinking mormon; I've done fairly well at disassociation so far. Then occasionally, these thoughts creep back in, and they piss me off.


Saint'n said...

Wow La. I can relate. Somtimes I literally have depression I get so caught up in "mormon-think". I feel bad for the thoughts that just pop into my head, feel bad for letting so many people down, feel bad for losing so many dear friends. It sucks.

Other days, I just want to giggle about 4 hour erections and get hammered, and I'm okay with it.

I think I will never be totally free from "mormon-think", but I am sure it will slowly becopme less and less prominent in my life.

My remedy: lets all get drunk and giggle about erections!

La said...

Just giggle about them?!? Fine. But there must be music and dancing and a least a little bit of lewdness.

Ishmael, the Wild Ass said...

Hey, I say we all just get some viagra and have a four hour erection Par-tee! That should cover the lewdness... lol :) BYOV!

Just one of many said...

It is so unreal to believe what you have been taught for so long is lies...I just get pissed off again when I realize that I passed these lies on to my children! And oh, yeah...the fuckin-ultra-mormon-mother-in-law-from-hell (believe me this should be a word!!0

Simeon's Peep Stone said...

This is really just remnants of the brainwashing and conditioning you went through. In the Morg, if a husband isn't a super priesthood elder there's either something wrong with him or his wife isn't supporting him enough. My TBM wife has tremendous guilt about my apostacy. I think you're just still recovering.

MattMan said...

I was a membership clerk for many years, and a ward clerk for several years. I don't know how deeply or truly I believed in all of it, but I never shared any of the juicy meeting content with anyone. I took privacy seriously (I guess that's evidence that I didn't take the morg that seriously because that's pretty unmorg I later found out).

La said...

The content of the meetings I am referring to had to do with ME. I'm not talking about anyone else's issues. Eric never divulged private things about other people to me. :)

Yeah, I was the kind of person who got talked about in bishopric meetings... YAY FOR ME!

Mom said...

Didn't mean to upset you about my comments. I know that I know niothing about the morman church, I was raised in another religion and I too lean on what I was taught through that religion. When I had the kids we decided that we would give them our love and support and Christian beleifs, but wanted them to find their own philosophies. You know that I do not practice the
religion I was raised in, neither does his Dad. I chose to think that most organized religions have all kinds of faults and inconsistancies.

I accepted that he became mormon when you married, it was his choice.
He learned the value of prayer and is thankfulness. A lot of that comes from you and your love for him.

My statement meant that he was not 'I' had perceived as mormon or believed to be mormon. Most the religions I am familiar with base their beliefs on family, the same as I do. We should discuss this sometime when we are together.

C.L. Hanson said...

They talked about you in bishopric meetings? I'm impressed!!! ;^)

Can you tell us that story, or is it too personal?