*cough* *cough* There's a hairball in my throat!

At work we have to read these corny corporate novels, in an effort to unite us or make us more effective or some other positive--yet unseen--result.

The latest book, though, is really fun to read and I like some of the ideas presented. It's called Orbiting the Giant Hairball by Gordon MacKenzie. He worked for Hallmark, and tried his best to remain creative and free-thinking, all the while remaining dedicated to the corporate goals and vision.

I'd like to share a blurb that struck me as especially poignant.

"Being infinite, the whole of reality is too much for the conscious human mind to grasp. The best any one of us can do is to take the biggest slice of Infinite Reality that we can hold -- intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally -- and make that slice our personal sense of what is real. But no matter how broad it is, any human perception of reality can be no more than a tiny sliver of Infinite Reality."

I don't know if it's religion or human nature or western culture or what, but we all seem to think we know stuff. We feel like we have such a grasp on history and the future, however, our certainty is just an illusion in the grand scheme of things.

My next short term goal: to analyze my slice of Infinite Reality, and try to grasp it.

Protect Your Junk

Relationships are hard work. I was talking with a girl today and she told me that she doesn't really let her relationships go much longer than 4 months, because that's when the excitement wears off and the dirty work starts. On the one hand, that's sort of sad for her. But on the other hand, while sad, I can totally relate to her.

A while back I was pondering the not-so-enigmatic-but-still-tough-to-figure-out Me. "Why do I react the way I do?" I asked myself. "From whence does my impatience come?"

I know I'll get ridiculed by some people who read this blog for saying this, but so be it. I hold some kind of belief (though it's not quite strong enough to be an actual belief) in the cycles of the solar system and stars, and the effect they have on our lives. I relate so well to the Sagittarian. If I had never heard anything about the Zodiac before, and then read through a fair description of each sign, I would immediately recognize that I myself am a Sagittarius.

Here is an amazing description of what it means to be Sagittarius (from http://www.psychicguild.com/horoscopes_zodiac.php?sign=Sagittarius):

Life Pursuit: To live the good life
Vibration: Overly expressive - frequent burnouts
Sagittarian's Secret Desire: To make a difference in the world

Ruled by the benefic planet Jupiter, Sagittarians possess a natural exuberance, sense of adventure and love of life that makes them one of the most optimistic zodiac signs of all. Like their astrological symbol - the Archer - Sagittarians are renowned for aiming their sights towards whatever it is they find alluring - a love partner, dream job, vacation - and making it their own. They believe that anything is possible - and because of this belief system, Sagittarians are adept at seeking out their very own pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

But sometimes trying to tie down these free-spirited individuals is frustrating for those around them. Sagittarians are happiest on the move - exploring new cultures and ideas and many are attracted to occupations related to travel, the media, outdoor work and philosophical pursuits. In love, their catch-cry is "don't fence me in". But once they find a partner who understands their need to retain their own sense of self and identity, Sagittarians can be the most big-hearted, generous and fun-loving companions of all.

Freedom loving, optimistic and honest, Sagittarians are ruled by Jupiter, the planet of abundance and higher learning. The wisdom of Jupiter imbibes Sagittarians with an inherent need to develop their own unique philosophy of life. The Centaur is their astrological symbol, and it gives many insights into the Sagittarian personality. The higher-evolved Sagittarian learns to integrate the two ends of the Centaur (half-human, half-beast) in order for their arrow (another Sagittarian symbol) of higher aspirations to be more on the mark. Although they are intellectually and spiritually advanced, Sagittarians are notorious for their lack of tact. In relationships they demand independence, but when in love, it can't be denied that they are one of the most big-hearted signs of the zodiac.

I can't begin to explain how all this hits home with me. Horoscopes? Don't hold weight with me. Astrocharts? Fun, but that's it. This description, however, couldn't be more dead on of qualities I aspire to and, in some regards, inadequacies I already embody.

Does this explain me? Not entirely, but it's a darn good start. Sometimes I think of myself as a free-spirited horse who willingly and knowingly allows herself to be bridled by restraints. I aspire to have a relationship where this is understood, and I'm allowed to be myself.

Because Life is for the Living

I have a 20 year old nephew named Andy. He hasn't been, how shall I say, "on the right track" for the past couple of years. He's a good kid, but has made some bad choices recently. His worst choice took place a couple of Friday's ago.

He was street racing on his motorcycle down a residential street (no need to comment on the idiocy; we're all very aware, and especially he is). He was going about 60 mph until the road turned and he was forced to slow down. There was a car on the opposite side of the street where it turned, and Andy didn't have enough control to make the turn. He slammed into the parked car at about 40 mph, and was thrown over it onto the lawn.

Given the fact that he was sans helmet, he came out of it pretty well. He broke his left femur, and had a small fracture in the tibia of the same leg. They put a titanium rod in his upper thigh, from his hip to his knee, which he will have for the rest of his life. They also put pins into the lower leg, to keep the bones stabilized.

We had a family BBQ this past Saturday, and Andy was able to hobble to the patio, where he sat with his leg up for most of the afternoon. He was pleasant and grateful (straying from his norm) and it really gave me optimism to see how nice he was to his siblings and mom.

My sister is an emergency room RN, so she's accustomed to seeing all sorts of injuries. It has been very hard for her to see her own son in such a condition. She's also used to sending patients home or to another floor, so she doesn't normally have exposure to the healing process. Healing is slow and painful, she's learning. I think this experience has been a good one for everyone in their family. I think they are growing closer, and I think they will have more respect for one another as well. It's good.

Capitol Reef

Here are a couple pictures of my kids at Capitol Reef a few weekends ago. Utah is pretty spectacular!

My daughter at Goosenecks Point. I love how she's posing.


My son, who was scared to death to get near the edges. YAY!!

I really love the landscape and the birds and the clean air and the afternoon thunder storms. The town of Torrey is just adorable, with it's tree-lined streets and quaint little burger joint. There's an art gallery, an old catholic church, and a candy shop. It's a magical place, and it's somewhere that I would love to have a cabin or timeshare.

Softball

Why can't I post pictures? I want to show pictures of me playing softball (well, me in the softball game, mostly). Aha!! It worked! This first pic is me going up to bat, confident as hell.

Haha, I'm glad that's not my butt (the catcher).

This next one is of me having just hit the ball (a line drive over the 3rd baseman's head, yes indeed).
Haha, I wish that wasn't my butt (the awesome batter).

So as you can see, my Thursday nights are full of fun and excitement and bug bites. :)

My Job

I started full time at my job last month. I've never really talked about it on my blog, so I'll just give some info so the world can understand what my life is like, to some extent.

I work for Hewlett Packard. I wasn't hired by HP, however. I was hired by Logoworks, which is the biggest (and best!) online logo design company. We were acquired by HP in June of this year. That transition has been interesting, mostly in a good way.

Specifically, I am a behind-the-scenes person in the Customer Solutions department. I used to be a project manager, which entailed a lot of interaction with customers. But now I'm called a "Console Specialist", in charge of making sure projects get uploaded to the customer on time, and reviewing the feedback that customers give before assigning designers to do the revisions.

I like my job, which is very important to me. I don't have the best pay in the world, but when I'm walking into the building lobby every morning (at 6:55 am!) I've rarely been begrudged that I had to be there. Even though I could complain about MANY things day to day, I still enjoy being here and doing what I do.

When I started full time here, I quit my job at the Eagles. I loved it too, but it was wearing me thin to have to work every day of the week. It has been really nice to have evenings and weekends off!

I expect to be at my job for a long time. I'm working on finding an apartment, which has been logistically difficult, and I'm looking forward to the independent life that is ahead of me.

YES, I still blog.

Every day I have the thought: "I should blog about that."

I decided to make a commitment to blog every day for a while. Not like that last November thing (Nablopomo or whatever), but just a thought or a commentary or a picture or something to get back into the habit.

I love blogging. I love the blogosphere. I love my blog friends. I love writing. I love communicating.

So here I go...!

Oh, how it's hump day...

I have just over 15 minutes to kill before the end of my work day. We were stressed at first, but we got all caught up, and now I've got nothing to do. The rubber band wars are wearing on me.

I've noticed that I get seasonally depressed during the summer. It has happened for 3 years in a row now. I wonder why that is? Maybe I'm allergic to heat.

I just got back from a short trip to Torrey, UT, and now I want to move down there and live the life of a hippie. (When I edit this post from home later, I'll attach a picture.)

What would you do if you could?

A Bit of a Rant:

Do you blog about getting poor customer service? Before doing so, do you make sure that you have done your part to ensure a good, effective purchasing experience? Do you read the terms and conditions of usage?

The hard part about my job is the customers, hands down. As a business we do make mistakes, and sometimes the system doesn't make things work fluidly. We realize this and we do what we can to make up for it (and correct the error). But that is, by far, the minority of experiences.

People who cannot be satisfied should either do things themselves, or stick with the businesses that they are used to using. They should by no means "give it a try" if following their explicit instructions will not provide (at the least) satisfactory results.

Just so you know.

LAS VEGAS: Confidential: the back room

My nerves overpowered me again. I had no idea what to expect, aside from what I had seen in movies or tv. My friend held me by the hand and said, "You sure you wanna do this?" If there's one thing that I've been called in my life it's a daredevil, and this certainly wasn't going to change that. "Yeah I'm sure," I replied, unsure.

The first thing that I noticed was a wall with several head-shots of girls. They were autographed in stylized letters, making it seem like I was encountering celebrities in this dark, musty place. Another thing of note was a white board that said "Now on Stage:", with the name of a girl who's face you could find on the picture wall.

Overhead, the dim red lights barely lit the walkways. I felt like I was on the set of one of those movies! We wanted to view a live dancer, but the room big enough for two was taken. So we chose to go even smuttier, and went to view the Porn Arcade. There was only a curtain to shield us in our little booth. In a take-me-serious tone of voice, my friend told me, "Don't look down..." I was impressed with myself at how quickly I pieced the meaning together, and decided at once that I needed to look down. Ew. And the walls. Ew. And the sides of the television. Oh my ew. "What? You didn't believe me?" my friend laughed.

The vast choices of porn to watch was impressive. Any kind you want, they had available. Just put in a dollar and you get 5 minutes of view time. We weren't there very long when I remembered that this is not why we were there. I wanted to see a live stripper. So we squeezed ourselves out of the little booth and went to the room big enough for two. It appeared closed, but when we got closer we realized that it was open just a bit. A chair was placed in the room, and it was facing a big black rectangle. My friend showed me how to put in a dollar, then suddenly the black rectangle was gone, a window had appeared, and I was facing a stage.

It was a bright transition for my eyes. I got closer to the window and saw a white girl with straight brown hair maneuvering her way around a semi-circle stage, stopping in front of other windows like ours. The girl seemed somewhat bored and ready to be done, but I remember the twinkle in her eyes as she looked in my direction. She gave me a playful grin. It was pretty clear that she liked it when girls came to watch her. And she knew that I liked watching girls. She didn't waste time coming over to our window. My friend gave her dollars and she gave us more of a show. She bent over so we could see everything she had. She moved gracefully, and her long hair dragged on the stage as she varied her positions for us.

Behind our dancer I could see another girl come up a set of stairs, drop her purse off to the side, and our dancer left us to chat with her for a moment. This new girl was black, and she was wearing a hot pink tightly-fitted dress. She was gorgeous. Her ass was rounded and voluptuous. Her waist was tiny and she had natural but well-proportioned breasts. Almost immediately after a short session of pole-dancing, she saw me looking at her lustfully through the window. Her smiled glowed! My heart actually skipped because she was so beautiful, and she was excited to see me!

I watched as she slowly slipped her dress down around her breasts. She watched me watching her. She sat in front of our window and put her legs on either side of the window. I got the full view of this beauty, and my friend kept giving her dollars as tips. Already my mind was wondering if I could get a private showing with her. I was disappointed to learn that even if I did get a private showing, I wouldn't be able to touch her. That was part of the fun! I wanted to feel her full ass in my hand, and pull her close.

I think she became disappointed that I wasn't giving my friend a hand job right there in front of her. I was too enthralled with her to think about him by that point. But her time at our window was over, and she moved on to other fresh patrons. We left our room big enough for two reluctantly.

My pulse was still racing and I wanted more. I forgot why I had been nervous or scared. I had become a full supporter of stripping. I'll have to write about the other strip club we attended that night.

LAS VEGAS: Confidential

I stepped out of the van without thought, but the second my foot hit the pavement the butterflies in my stomach screamed, "Look alive!" and they began their frenzied dance. I looked to my left, to my right, and a car whizzed passed on the street next to us. I felt my cheeks flush in an unconscious wave of shame. "What am I doing here? This is so bad," I told myself with every footstep toward the building.

The door was bright yellow against a large, square, dark building. It was propped open, and as we approached I felt like I was stepping into the Twilight Zone. I just knew I was going to be sucked into another dimension. I made a very brave step through the threshold and suddenly I realized that no, it wasn't "bad", and that I was not doing anything wrong. "I'm an adult, I have lots of experience, my kids are safe and sound, and I may as well enjoy myself," I thought. So it was at that point that I opened my eyes.

The interior was bright, like a hospital bright. No, more like a warehouse bright. Maybe a combination of the two, actually. The walls were tall, and there was sparse decor. I knew at once that this was no Blue Boutique. My first comment spoken aloud to my friend was, "They're not messing around here, are they?"

And then it hit me: for the first time I was in a REAL porn shop. There was no lingerie, no romantic sex games. I didn't see "coupon" books or stripper shoes. This, I realized, was a testosterone saturated covert for men. I, in my skimpy little skirt, was in a strange new territory.

One and a half walls, in addition to at least two rows of shelves, were dedicated to toys. I think I saw The Biggest Dildo EVER. I swear it was about two feet long and had a circumference greater than my two hands together. All I could do was stare in amazement (while imagining the pain) and spew an occasional chuckle.

There were stacks of older VHS pornos, which I guess they were trying to liquidate because they were all priced $2.00. Yes, TWO DOLLARS. Granted, they were all kind of corny and outdated, but porn is porn. If that didn't tickle my fancy then there were thousands of other titles I could choose from. It carried as many DVD's as a Blockbuster, probably. I was continually stunned at the sheer smut and blatant casualness of the whole thing. The other patrons may as well have been shopping at K-mart, for all I knew.

Next I am going to write about the Back Room. Stay tuned.

Happy Birthday, big paper with lots of signatures on it!

Anytime a national holiday comes around, I sign up to work. Why not work a few hours and get paid crap-loads of money to do so? I still get to go to the family BBQ, and see the [illegal] fireworks tonight. I'm not missing out on anything. So I work.

Thing is, NOTHING is going on at work. We need to keep our phones open because we have international customers. I've been logged on to my computer for about 20 minutes now, and I've done everything I can do to catch up. No tasks, emails all taken care of, no voicemails, all done. So I blog.

I am enjoying the view from my window, however, and I'm seeing the sun peak over the tall mountains that border the eastern side of Utah Valley. From where I sit (we're in Lindon) I can see lush green pastures, tall weeping willows and poplars, and the sun making all the green leaves sparkle. Last week, when Squaw Peak was being burnt to a crisp, I could see the progress and fire-airplanes from my desk. Of course, my eyes are bad so I couldn't see details or anything, but still. I like my seat. :)

I think I'll write.

Around and about

This past week I was in Paso Robles CA, visiting the family of my boyfriend. I had my kids with me, and despite long hours in the car and proximity sickness (aka too much time together) the trip was a resounding success.

We went to the coast and toured through Hearst Castle, a hilltop paradise built by newspaper tycoon William Randolph Hearst in the early 20th century. I have 2 favorite parts of the estate that I want to mention.

First: the Neptune Pool (outdoor). It makes me crazy with wanting to jump in the water. Behold. (I apologize for the bad lighting. I wanted to increase the brightness so my daughter could be seen better.)

The second thing is a statue in the front entry of the main house that I WANT. I loved it. We couldn't get close because there is a tile mosaic on the floor and they don't want the masses tromping upon it. Enjoy.

Anyone who may have an idea as to the name or artist of this statue would be my BFF.

Questions / thoughts for anonymous:

When was the last time I spoke about the church? Oh, wait. It was on April 04, 2007, and mostly I just said that I was raised Mormon. The post you were referring to about "I walk by faith..." was written in March of 2006. So that leads me to my next question:

How do I "speak so much about the church it's like you're obsessed"? What you are referring to, I believe, has to be taken in context. I was in the church for 28 years, and then found out that the teachings aren't true. So, yeah, I had to vent some issues and frustrations to let that part of my life go. But you were reading blogs from that time of my life. I have let it go now. I don't obsess anymore. I rarely talk about Mormons anymore.

"you know in your heart that the gospel is true and that you are not living your life the way that you should". No it's not, and yes I am. I'm living my life exactly the way I should be living it. I'm growing, I'm progressing, I'm working on my faults, I'm a decent person, I'm a mother who loves her children (and gets very frustrated with them), and I'm intent on justice and balance and living the golden rule.

"Did you ever pray to know if the chruch was true?" Countless times.

"but I do feel sad for this time in your life, you are experiencing a trial and I hope that you find your way past it, you seem like a bright and beautiful woman with a lot of love and a lot to offer". I AM experiencing trials and rough times in my life. None of them have to do with my leaving the Mormons though. Thank you for the compliment, and I am flattered you recognized that.

I did have to mourn for the Gospel because I believed it so strongly. But I have bounced back and I have new spirituality that brings me peace and joy. I have not sought another religion, nor do I intend to. I love my past and my experiences from my Mormon days, and I DO sing primary songs to my kids still. I just don't sing ones that refer to prophets or Jesus Christ.

Thanks for your comment, and I'm glad you found your way to my blog. :)

An anonymous comment I just received on an older post:

Hi, it's Sunday morning and I'm Mormon and I stumbled upon your blog because as I was preparing for my sacrement talk and my RS lesson which I agreed to do on the same day because I was asked, I was feeling the spirit so strong that I just starting singing and the song that I started singing was "I walk by Faith, a daughter of Heavenly parents" well I couldn't remember the entire song so I typed those first few words into google and you had cited those words in your blog so it came up in my search. I read a few of your entries and I have this to say about you, first of all, you speak so much about the church it's like you're obsessed, if I had a blog I don't think that refereces to the church would find their way into every paragraph and I go to church every week, I think your obssession is because you are trying to cut your ties with the church but in fact part of you thinks back to the great experiences you had and the times that you felt the spirit and you know in your heart that the gospel is true and that you are not living your life the way that you should and part of you wants your infant to grow up surrounded by the love and the clearity and the truth of the gospel the way that you did, and you haven't gone inactive because you're just lazy because you are already searching for a new church, you're searching when you already know the truth. Did you ever pray to know if the chruch was true? Have you received your testimony? If not, don't you think that you owe it to yourself and your family to do so? Reading your blog did not completely take away the feelings of the spirit that I was experiencing when I was singing hymns and coming to look up the lyrics, but I do feel sad for this time in your life, you are experiencing a trial and I hope that you find your way past it, you seem like a bright and beautiful woman with a lot of love and a lot to offer, I probably have had an easier life than you so I'm not judging, I'm just saying that it sounds to me like you are mourning for the gospel, like you need it, like you feel a void, so just come back, if you don't like the structure of the church and can't handle that right now, at least do some personal worship and searching, read the scriptures and pray, invite the spirit into your heart and your life, sing your favorite primary songs to your child, share the spirit with your child. You are a daughter of God and he loves you, good luck with your journey.

I should be watching The Office, but instead...

I'm so jealous that Sideon and SML got to meet!! Seriously, I'm festering. There are few people on the planet who can bring out the boiling passion in me like Sideon can. :)

Guys, I'm sick of my life. I'm sick at the fact that some friendships are gone and I don't blog anymore. I'm sick that I never feel like seeing anyone because I'm positive that either they will judge me or they will be weird because of drastic changes in my life.

What can I do?

Tah, tah, tah Tuesday

It seems lately that I've heard about many marijuana busts in our lovely Deseret. What's lame is that they release the footage to the media (or invite the media to come along), and make a big show of it. Meanwhile, meth is almost as big of an "industry" here, and we rarely learn about meth busts. I don't know if I've ever spoken out in favor of pot-smoking, but I certainly think pot is significantly less dangerous to society and safety than meth is.

K that's my rant for today. Today was kind of crappy at work. It makes me wonder why Tuesday is the day for crap. I mean, is everyone just so pissed off after Monday? I don't get it. It was actually a good day for me, but everyone I talked with seemed to be having troubles.

Dang, there was another rant. Positive, think positive. Two (2) songs that make me happy:

Daft Punk "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger"
Cake "When You Sleep"

Resulted happiness results in a tickling of the children. Good times!

Cold and empty

I browsed some blogs today for the first time in weeks. WEEKS! I used to be on my blog for at least half my day, reading, posting, being altogether obsessed. What happened?? During this time, one of the hardest of my life, I chose to isolate myself from all things familiar. Blog, friends, family, you name it. The only problem is, I miss it all. I miss my life.

Six months ago, I left my husband (thanks to Christy for being brave and reminding me that there's not really a need to be "hush-hush") . We haven't finalized our divorce yet, but we're slowly getting there. Mostly, we just have busy lives and haven't set time aside to arrange all the details.

I went from being a full-time stay-at-home mom to working 2 part time jobs and still trying to juggle the kids' lives with mine. I live in my mom's basement, and my social life has plummeted. Last year was all about parties, concerts, hanging out, being with friends. But right now I have a very very small circle of people I regularly talk with. Actually, all but my ex-husband are relatively new in my life.

You know, I'm sure people have their opinions about me. I have made huge mistakes, most of which cause me deep anguish. I am pretty sure I'll never have certain relationships back. And yet, despite the loss, I'm frustrated that no matter how penitent I feel there's nothing I can do to repair what's broken. I'm not perfect, and I'm not the only one who makes mistakes. The best I can offer is growth and understanding and empathy. If it's not enough, well, I guess I need to accept that.

Right now I want to take the bubbly pink template down from my blog and replace it with black. Some days are just really hard, and this is one of those days.

"I told myself I won't miss you, but I remember what it feels like beside you..." -Hinder, Better Than Me

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

We'll do it all,

Everything,

On our own.

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone.

If I lay here,

If I just lay here,

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel.

Those three words

are said too much;

they're not enough.

If I lay here,

If I just lay here,

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old.

Show me a garden that's bursting into life.

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads.

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own.

If I lay here,

If I just lay here,

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old.

Show me a garden that's bursting into life.

All that I am,

All that I ever was,

Is here in your perfect eyes;

They're all I can see.

I don't know where;

Confused about how, as well.

Just know that these things

Will never change for us at all.

If I lay here,

If I just lay here,

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Ramble, ramble...

I just have a few minutes until I have to go into work. My other work. That's right, I'm now the proud owner of two (2) part-time jobs. The scheduling with who's watching my son has been a beast, but so far it's worked out fairly well.

I have a cat named Boo and he's freakin awesome. He's big and strong, but he's a lover boy. He's certainly mellowed out in this past year, but he still eats food off the counter (which is why the bread is now stored in the cabinet). Just a minute ago he was sitting on the table staring out the window. Why does a cat stare so intently? And why don't his eyes dry out, thereby requiring a blink? All valid questions.

Cats are pretty cool. They're like a total mystery. And they just don't give a shit about anyone.