I like Pink

I like my pink sunglasses. I like my pink cami, bra and panties better than the rest. I like pink flowers. I like my new pink template!

As much as I love Rebecca, I was bored with our same old green templates. I decided to switch things up a little.

The funny thing is that now I get to RE-link all my faves, and put that pic back up. Argh! Much too much work involved in going pink...

Buh-gillion Degrees Outside

It's hot. Too hot! What date is it? Like June something? And I'm already complaining about the heat? Great. 2 more months of summer left; the two HOT months, no less.

I think I'm going to turn into my grandparents, who, since I can remember, always stayed in St. George for the winter and Rexburg, ID for the summer.

Ah, my grandparents. I love them! They've been gone for 6 years now. I wasn't able to attend either of their funerals, because I was poor in North Carolina at the time.

I remember when I outgrew them, and I'm by no means tall; I think I was maybe 12 or 13. They were short and adorable. Grandpa couldn't hear a lick, so he'd sit there quietly playing with the youngest children. He developed alzheimer's and became a prick to my grandma, who was the sweetest thing in the world. He couldn't remember who I was, and he would keep asking my dad if he "was still dating that Diane girl". (Diane is my mother, and my dad had been married to her for 25 years by this time)

Grandpa died in October of 1998. My grandma was actually relieved, and was excited to get reaquainted with all her grandchildren (caring for an alzheimer's patient takes ALL of one's time). She made me an afghan for our wedding that year. I think it was the last one she made. She died in November of 1998. A month later! No health problems, either. When I was mormon I used to attribute that to their souls needing to be together in the spirit-world, teaching the gospel. I always envisioned them meeting me whenever I die. I don't envision that anymore.

Ok, well I'm not sure how it being so hot outside turned into reminiscing about my dead grandparents. But it IS hot outside. Did I mention that? :)

Slip

Weekly Anamnesis #29

I had been afflicted with food poisoning or stomach flu for over two days when we hiked up to some local hot springs. I hadn’t eaten anything that day, or even the day before. I wasn’t feeling too bad, but eating anything immediately made me want to wretch. I really wanted to go on this hike, though, so I put on my “brave soldier” face.

The hike was really lovely. It was late spring in the mountains, so the greens of summer hadn’t yet set in. It reminded me of fall actually, with the soggy leaves covering the ground. The hike wasn’t too hard; mostly up and down, rolling hills, gradual incline. We had the river next to us the whole time. Sometimes it was raging and roaring its way down the mountain, but then other times it was very serene and reverent.

The trail was very narrow in some spots. There was a steep incline to our right, which is the side the river was on. A makeshift guardrail had been built over the particularly dangerous areas, but we were nervous to lean on it. I don’t necessarily have a fear of heights, but I also don’t like being on the edge of very steep, very precarious slopes. Each time we would come to a guardrail I knew for sure, in my temporary panic, I would lose my footing and slip.

We could tell we were close to the springs when the smell of sulphur consistently stayed with us. Sulphur plus nausea equals worse nausea. I sincerely appreciated my friend who had the foresight to bring saltine crackers with her. Between them, my water, and Kelly Clarkson on MP3, I actually didn’t pass out! Dizzy sometimes, but no loss of consciousness. I was very proud of myself.

We were the last to arrive out of a group of about 12 people there at the hot springs. Our friends brought cheeses and wines, which I of course stayed away from, and we had a lovely evening soaking in the warm, stinky water. The sun went down, and darkness quickly filled our overhead view. The stars were spectacular, as they always are outside of the city.

Because it was nighttime, some of our friends decided it was time to head back down the mountain. No one really had come prepared for a night hike, however, as there were only two flashlights among us. Our solution? Hike down together, staying as close as possible, and using the two flashlights for everyone. I wasn’t able to see anything around me, and I was feeling a bit better, so the hike down was less intimidating than the one up. I couldn’t see the steep inclines, so I just pretended they weren’t there. Granted, there were all kinds of rocks and twigs to trip on. Night hiking wasn’t without its own perils.

Near the halfway point, the front-of-the-line people stopped and we could hear some yelling and scattered talking. It didn’t take long to realize that something was wrong. We were all gathered around one of the scary slopes I mentioned, and the two flashlights were pointed down, towards the river. There, at the bottom of a very steep drop-off, was a young girl with a pack on her back that was as big as she was. She had been hiking up the trail, lost her footing, and tumbled on her butt down the slope. All of the men with us were trying to reach down to get her, but she was way too low for their arms. The two guys that she was hiking with seemed to be at a complete loss as to a solution. Everyone had their own ideas and they were all trying to voice them at the same time. Chaos was running the show.

We heard rumbling in the bushes below, and as we all watched, out came Brandon, one of the guys from our group. He had, very heroically, found another way down to her spot, fought his way through the bushes, and made it to the young girl. He helped her take off her pack and climbed up a bit to give it to the men up on the ledge. Then he held the young girl’s hand as he guided her back up the slope, the same way he used to get down.

I was part of the many women that clapped and sang Brandon’s praises. There’s nothing sexier than a man who steps in, takes control, and saves the day (in my opinion)! But even as I was beaming with pride for being a friend of his, I couldn’t help think of my own fears about falling. So my new rules of hiking are: bring a flashlight and a guy with a hero complex. I think I’ll never go wrong if I adhere to them. :)

Sunday Morning

by Maroon 5

Yeah...
Sunday morning rain is fallin'
Steal some covers, share some skin
Clouds have shrouded us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in

But things just get so crazy,
Living life gets hard to do.
And I would gladly hit the road,
Get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you,
That someday it would lead me back to you.

That may be all I leave.
In darkness [you are] all I see.
Come and rest your bones with me.
Driving slow on Sunday morning,
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline;
Paint a picture with my hands.
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm.
Change of weather, still together, when it ends.

That may be all I leave
In darkness [you are] all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave.

Oh yeah
But things just get so crazy,
Living life gets hard to do.
Sunday morning rain is falling
And I'm calling out to you.
Singing, someday, it will bring me back to you.
Find a way to bring myself back home to you.

That may be all I leave.
In darkness [you are] all I see.
Come and rest your bones with me.
Driving slow on Sunday morning,
And I never want to leave.

Utah Valley Sex Show

Last night we went to a local club and saw 2 Live Crew perform live. Here are the highlights, for those of you not priviledged enough to have experienced it:

1- One of the dudes has a gimp arm. Who knew?

2- They actually have hired girls who's only job is to bend over and touch their crotches. Oh, and to shake their asses. They're called the "Me So Horny" girls.

3- Most of the people that were there were probably 6 years old when 2 Live Crew were popular.

4- Their music is not that great. Damn, I finally found something I won't listen to! I used to like them, back in the day. But now I don't, so that must mean I'm old.

5- Live groups are never quite as good as their recordings. Is there anyone that's REALLY good live? I want to experience that, if there is.

We didn't stay for the whole thing. I'm much more fond of the regular hip-hop in clubs. But still it was pretty fun.

Doug's Requiem

Requiem aeternam
grant them rest, eternally
Dona eis Hefeweisen
Hefeweisen, we pray to thee
Et sex perpetua
and sex perpetual
Luceat eis
shine on them forever

Te decet hymnus
Thou beer art worshipped
Beer in Sion
worshipped in Zion
et tibi reddetur votum in Salt Lake City
thy praises shall ever be sung
votum in Salt Lake City
in all Salt Lake City

Exaudi, exaudi,
O hear us, O hear us
Exaudi orationem exmos
O hear thy faithful exmos prayer
Ad te omnis caro porn affero
to thee shall all mortal flesh give porn.

Note: Why, oh, why would we want to sing a requiem to beer and sex? We don't want them to DIE. Maybe a requiem for ripped apart finger-smushed bread and tiny cups of water would be more appropriate. Edited for Doug's favorite beer. ;)

Growing Up

I live in the same town I grew up in. I've been in 4 different houses since my childhood home, but it still is the home I dream about. It has been painted white, a garage has been added, the almond tree is gone, and a plum tree is now there. But it's still my house.

I just drove past it while out running errands. I drive by it fairly frequently, because it's sort of central. I usually just feel bitterness that it's so different looking now. Today it was the feeling that was different.

I remembered running home from my friends' houses, hurdling my next-door neighbor's rose bush EVERY time. I remembered hiding behind a weeping willow that was on the front right corner of the house. I remembered using the hose like a "canyon" or "river", and doing long jumps across it, each time moving it wider and wider. I remember doing plays on my front lawn with my friends while my dad patiently (and endearingly) watched us.

Did I have any idea , as a young child, of the woman I would become? Is that little girl still inside me or have I suppressed her enough that she's faded completely? I think that if I were able to meet my child self, I think she'd like me. I think she'd say I'm pretty cool. And she would say that I'm beautiful, even though my grown up self doesn't often think so.

It was a good having a different feeling this time.

Door

Weekly Anamnesis #28

When I was in school one of my activities was singing in the school choirs. I was in A'cappella and Show & Chamber. I liked each choir equally, but separately.

When I was a senior, we spent the entire school year learning John Rutter's Requiem. It's a beautiful piece of music with seven movements. I remember ganging up with my fellow altos, as we competed against the sopranos for solo time. The second and third movements have outstanding alto parts, and because they really allowed us to show our range, we used those moments to gloat.

The performance for this requiem was a year end concert for family and friends. The "lesser" choirs performed first so those of us cool people in the "greater" choirs waited in the choir room for our turn. While I was waiting there in the choir room, I took that opportunity to apologize to a friend of mine who I had been fighting with for nearly a year at that point. It felt like a good time to just say, "Hey, I've been a total jerk. Let's be friends again." My friend embraced me, we laughed at our stupidity and both took a great sigh of relief.

It was time for us to go on stage. I walked down the hall towards the stage door, feeling a glow inside of me. When I walked through the door, into the near pitch black of the stage wings, I felt more alive than I had all year. Energy was coursing through me. I was excited and alive!

When performed well, this requiem takes around 35 minutes to perform. The lights were warm, and so were our irridescent taffeta dresses (yuck!). My face was flushed. But I remember being such a part of the music that I felt as if it had originated from within me. I thought the lights were just focusing in on my own glow, and it made me nervous that the audience could see me, standing out among the 120 other singers onstage. I remember looking over to where my friend was standing, catching his eye, giving him a wink and a smile, and feeling that the energy was not mine alone.

We created that experience for ourselves, and after it was over I felt like I had climbed the tallest mountain. I was spent, euphoric, and beaming. Such is the power of music and energy.

Repentence

I remember being SO grateful for repentence. It was the key for me to return to my Heavenly Father. It was a tool, a blessing.

Here's a tidbit of info I don't share all that often, but it holds no power over me now so I feel free to share. I lost my virginity when I was 12 years old (Hind sight shows clearly that it was rape, but I didn't know it then). I had so much guilt about that. I always felt just a little bit dirty when doing baptisms for the dead or having chastity lessons. I held onto that guilt for the first six teenage years. Count 'em, SIX. As if adolescence isn't jacked up enough! Finally when I was 18, I felt I could openly discuss this with my then bishop, Dale Murphy, who was really easy to talk to. Plus, I felt I understood the reason for repentence more at that time. I felt I understood that Christ was my mediator, who made up the difference for my shortcomings.

BAH!...

Repentence is SUCH a tool of control. How many times was repentence preached in the last conference? Anyone? Even having born my soul to my ex-pro-baseball player bishop, I still felt bad about having had sex so early. It took a good 6 more years for me to reliquish my guilt about the whole thing. It was abuse, hands down. I was 12, 'nuff said.

I was just reading about how men and women need to repent of things like oral sex in a marriage. WHATEVER. How much more deeply can this church try and snake their way into the nooks of people's lives? Give me a break!!!

LOVE

From Webster's:

1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance

3. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.

Seems so black and white, doesn't it? But I think really there should be footnote after footnote about exceptions and instances and variations of how love originates or evolves.

Or wait. Maybe it IS just as simple as those definitions make it seem. I mean, we don't have to slap a label on people just to understand how they could love each other. And what right do we have to say that the way some people love is wrong? (And to this, my exception is where someone is getting hurt by that "love", whether emotionally or physically)

As a former member of the LDS faith, I remember hearing the principle, nay commandment, to "Love one another". "Love thy neighbor" is another variation. There are songs and admonitions and lessons to drive these principles home. Do they work? Can you force yourself to learn that? Or is it something that is innate within us?

It's like our proprioception. We don't need to think about how we can maneuver the living room without kicking the table. We just do it. So with love, we don't think about who, where, or why we love, we just do it. Does that make any sense?

I wonder what this means?

It's been cool here for the past few days, so we've been getting in our hot tub almost every day. I've neglected my back yard for a while now. Maybe because I'm tired, maybe because my mind is elsewhere. Anyhow, I haven't gone back there during daylight for far too long...

I just went outside, and here is what I saw: nearly dead grass (we don't have a sprinkler system), all sorts of beer bottles scattered across the east side of the yard, bottle caps everywhere, matches and cigarette butts everywhere (I don't smoke, but some friends do), and broken glass on part of the patio.

What does all this mean??? I think I've officially crossed the line into white-trashiness.

Here's Why You Should Come to Utah:

Because you'll get to meet some really cool people, and talk about everything from BYU to sex to motorcycles.

I had the pleasure of meeting Bull from Life in the Fast Lane this morning at Starbucks in American Fork. What a nice day it was!! Good conversation, good coffee (I guess it was good, as I had to mask mine with all sorts of sweet crap), and just a great way to start a day.

Anyone coming to Utah? Let me know, and we'll get together.

Learning and Discovery

Ok, I've gotten over how lame my last week was. Now I'm here, ready to start anew!

My six year old daughter learned how to ride her bike yesterday. For about a year and a half now, we've been trying to get her on the bike and riding. She fell a couple of times, so she'd fight us tooth and nail every time we suggested getting back on.

Yesterday I looked out the window, and there she was, riding! She didn't need me screaming at her, or my husband getting frustrated. She just did it! That reminded me of when I learned to ride my bike. It was much the same way. One day I just really wanted to, so I did. I'm so excited for her and this big accomplishment she's made!

So here I am, an adult, a spouse, a mother, and I'm having to learn the same lessons as my 6 year old. I am having to make decisions for myself, without any outside influence prodding me. It's really scary because I'm stumbling and falling, and it feels like I'll never get the right balance in life. Sometimes I coast for a bit, and it gives me a glimpse into what is possible. I get a rush of sensation, of emotion, of life! But then it goes away because I leaned too much to one side.

As I watched my daughter yesterday, beaming with pride, I realized how lucky I am that I am alive and able to go through my struggles. I hate to use the mormon expression of trials make us stronger, but it seems to be playing out that way.

I think I'm seeking balance, and I know that I'm the only one who can make the ultimate decision to go for it. And now, as I learned from my daughter, I know it will come!!!

Ever have one of those weeks?

Where things just feel like everything is against you? Where you're not sure how you'll make it through?

I'm having that week. *sneer* So maybe I'll just go have a beer. Don't start lecturing me now! ;)

JLO...

It's really late and I'm tired and I'm SO happy you're not dead. I was waiting for Bull to find out about your death and then have to post something about it for all of us. Sad, huh?

But I'm happy, and I hope things are working out for you. *hugs*

La

Stranded on Utah Lake

Well after having most of a serious suck-fest of a weekend, my family and my niece and nephews all went boating on Utah Lake again. Oh the sunshine was out, and the lake was refreshing (as much as U.L. can be, that is...) and it was a really lovely day.

We took a break from adventure and just turned off the boat so we could chill. Ate some snacks, downed some cold ones, and basked in the sun. After a while we decided to head back to the marina, but the boat wouldn't start. Apparently the engine got flooded because my nephew stopped too hard, and sloshed gas all around in the cylinders. Of course at that point I tuned out all the mechanic-speak. :)

So we spent several hours total on the lake, waiting for the sheriff's dept to come rescue us. Never happened. My older nephew got so antsy that he started hailing boats passing by, much to the embarrassment of me and my niece. A boat load (literally!) of really nice people towed us to shore, so the excitement was over.

Through it all I never stressed out! I just enjoyed the tan I was getting, the music we had playing and the company of my family. Another fabulous Sunday, taken full advantage of.

Not really a neat story, huh? Oh well. I had fun.

Amendment to this blog: my nephew found out that the boat wouldn't start, not because of a flooded engine, but because the key (or ignition switch rather) wasn't in all the way!! Nice, huh?

The I+verb+whatever thingy

I am looking for value in myself
I have made mistakes, but I’m trying to take life-lessons out of them
I want inner-peace
I wish I could travel the world
I hate (did this once already!) repeating my hates :)
I love laughing, get-togethers, good movies, beer buzzes, pretty boys
I miss playing softball, having more freedom
I fear living a less-than-wonderful life
I hear my neighbor’s sprinkler, whirr of the computer fan, and clicking of the keyboard
I wonder if I’m right about my Souls-are-really-condensed-tachyonic-masses theory
I regret not getting self-control over my exercise routines when I was younger
I resent being judged
I eat figurative crap
I drink diet coke or diet dr pepper way too much
I am learning as I go
I dance but not very well. It’s fun though!
I sing anywhere. I started out in choirs, A’cappella, Show & Chamber, etc. Now I’m trying to broaden myself to try solo, though I’m not that great.
I cry but I hate it. (yet another repeat!)
I am not going to be my mother
I make the best mother f’ing chocolate chip cookies on the planet… maybe :)
I can't figure out how to like myself
I need to go running, right now!
I should get up, put on my running shoes, and get going
I start things all gung-ho;
I finish them very seldom.

(see? here i go again stealing rebecca's stolen idea. pattern, much?)

My friend told me something truly profound:

You have to figure out what really, truly makes you happy and chase it...

...Chase it your whole life

Numb by Linkin Park

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is
Another mistake to you
(caught in the undertow
just caught in the undertow)

I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is
Another mistake to you
(caught in the undertow
just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste
Is more than I can take

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you