I want to post about sex....

...just because everyone else is doing it.

Here's my daily pat on the back. I got a new bra yesterday, and it's HOT. I must say. ;)

Had a Weird Moment

I was putting my near-toddler son to bed, but we were at my sister's house, so I layed him on my niece's bed. He likes to go to bed with his bottle and classical music. My niece only had 1 CD in her stereo, and thank goodness it happened to be soft, instrumental music. But here's the thing: the music was the instrumental version of the Young Women songs.

When I was in Young Women's, I lived and breathed for my classes, activites, sports, friends and leaders. Firesides were amazing! I took pride in repeating the YW motto, "We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him....." Some of my most spiritual experiences came out of that time in my life. This was the era of the rope analogy called "hold to the rod" (I think), which affected me in a poignant way. I sucked all this stuff up. YW must've been organized for girls like me.

So when I heard a piano softly start playing, my mind began singing the words "I walk by faith, a daughter of heavenly parents. Divine am I in nature by inheritance..." These deep seeded feelings of love and devotion came rushing back instantly, and then they were squashed because that's all over now. It was a quiet moment of grieving. I had to shake off the tears, and consciously return to the task at hand: getting the baby to sleep.

Here's my analytical pat on the back (refer to previous post): When I love, it's deep and loyal. It doesn't just go away because I got a paper in the mail saying I'm not a member anymore. My love for the scriptures is still there too, even though I don't read them now. And do you know what? After I'm finished being sad for that loss, I think I'll actually keep the old love for those things. I think it is a unique and beautiful thing about me, that I don't hold a grudge. The end :)

A New Me

Don't ask me how I turned out this way. I could blame too-early sexual exposure. I could blame my parents' lack of affection. I could blame the Mormon authoritarianism. Maybe it's all of the above, or maybe it's just the way I am. But lately, I've been attempting a reinvention of Me.

Last week I got contacts, and just today I got a 3rd piercing on my left ear. When Gordon B. Hinkley gave the edict of only one pair of earrings for girls, I took my second pair out. Why? Because it was a tangible commandment I could obey, as opposed to "Love Thy Neighbor". Now I see that edict as being just another way to say, "become one of us" or "we are the Morg, we will assimilate you". Does having 3 piercings mean I'm a total punk? Not at all! There's not very many things more harmless than a cute little earring. Bunnies can do more damage!

Sure, I drink way more than I did before leaving that church. But I know that I'll find a happy medium somewhere between total alcoholic and total prude. It'll come.

Here's one thing that I'm only now learning: I have control over myself. No one else does. (I could really go off on the Mormon principle of "agency"!) And what does that mean? It means that if I want to lose weight, I don't need some bishop telling me that I will finally find happiness if I do. It means that if I'm stressed out by my kids, the safer thing to do is calm down by a drink, instead of letting it get worse and worse. It means that I can love my body the way it is, if I want to! And it also means that despite my opinions (which are mostly well-intended) I cannot expect others to have the same ones. I'm much more accepting now, in my opinion. :)

And there's one last thing I want to say. I have great examples around me of people who love themselves. It is such a strange and foreign concept to me, but one that I must learn. So I'm going to try to give myself a pat on the back once in a while. Don't think I'm a pompous prick (can a girl be a prick?), but realize that I am taking important steps to gaining balance. Peace!

See you at UU

I'm going to try a new church. Just for fun. I hear good things about the Unitarian Universalist congregations. Here's another plus: they only meet ONCE A MONTH! That's enough religious exposure for me!

There's a post recently from a guy on the RFM board. http://www.exmormon.org/boards/w-agora/view.php?bn=exmobb_recovery&key=1143067692&newest=1143071681
He has an experience which is poignant to the difference between a typical Mormon congregation vs. other congregations. I really like this post.

Why I Blog

How come it's easy for me to sit at the computer and type personal thoughts/feelings? It's been a long time since I was able to do that with an actual journal. My thoughts don't form coherently when I'm holding paper and pen. Who knows?

Also, these are personal thoughts, right? Why should I send them into cyberspace where anyone can have a peek at them? Why not keep them private?

Here's why: personal does not equal private, in my opinion. Private things are what me and my husband did last night in bed ;), or the consistency of my baby's last dirty diaper. These are things that are saved for the dinner table at my mom's house. That's it. No one but my immediate family knows those things! (Now all of cyberspace knows what wackos my family members are)

Personal things are just things about me. And really, I don't get THAT personal here. I don't use my real first name (although not very hard to figure out), and I have only said that I live in Utah County (have I said that???). How many Laura's (oops!) in Utah County are there? Only a buh-gillion.

I like the comradery of the blog world. Maybe I am naive to the amount of its exposure, but whatever. I write my blog to my little circle of cyber friends, just like I would write them an email. I guess ideally I would like to have this same circle of intellectual friends in real life, but I'll take what I can get.

So to sum up, personal does not equal private, cyber friends are good, and I will continue to blog. The end.

Back to Normal (whatever that is)

The concrete is drying, my in-laws are back at their home, and my husband is back to work after a week off. So I'm back to being a full-time mom after a much needed partial break. The driveway is far from completed, though, what with finishing off some of the edges, getting rid of the old concrete, fixing the earth underneath the old concrete, etc. There's still lots of hard work ahead of us.

Lately I've been thinking about books or movies that illuminate my state of mind when exiting the church. 1984, The Matrix, The Island, Equilibrium, Logan's Run, just to name a few. All of these have the same theme: some form of power is restricting humans from completely belonging to themselves. One character (or more) "wakes up" and sees that reality is not as they had always thought. After the initial shock wears off, they get determined to either overthrow the existing powers that be, or feel the need to wake up their fellow humans so that they to can know "reality".

If I were part of a Hollywood movie, my next step would be to take down the church administration. But I'm not. I am not trying to de-convert anyone. If someone talks to me openly, then I'll do the same. But I'm not out to destroy the church or its leaders. I'm ready to walk away (as much as I can do that, in Utah) and move on. I'm enjoying my Sundays, although because I don't go to church I've found it harder to come up with what day it is. :)

My oldest brother now is in the loop about my exit. I just have to say that my family has been pretty cool, and I'm lucky compared to some. Now I'm ready to end this post. Bye!

Sideon made me do it...

I feel obligated ;) to write because Sideon is implying that I've been away. My in-laws are here, and also a friend of ours from NC, so I've been pretty busy. The men have torn up our driveway, and today they're dumping gravel. Then tomorrow we'll get some concrete poured, and YAY, we'll have a nice, smooth driveway.

I love Spring because I get all sorts of inspiration for home improvements. After this driveway is done, I'm going to make a nice walkway next to it.

I got the latest Ensign magazine and decided I would read it to see what inspiration it could give me. Well, there wasn't much. In fact, I found myself doing what I used to do to my scriptures: I picked it apart, cross-referenced, and underlined. But the result in doing this was that the authors are full of shit! They don't prove their points with proof, they "prove" them with circular logic. Let's take an example:

In the article titled Agency on page 18, the author (unknown) makes a statement in the 2nd paragraph. "Agency is essential to Heavenly Father's plan for His children, for without it we cannot become as He is." But then they say that agency is a eternal principle, so I'd say it's not really Heavenly Father's plan, it's more of a Universal plan. Except I don't really believe it.

Later, it says, "We do not believe in a deterministic God--that is, one who determines in advance the eventual fate of His children. Rather, we believe in a God who has perfect foreknowledge of the choices His children will make. He may use this foreknowledge to guide us or even to warn us..." (emphasis added)

Now, doesn't that statement contradict itself? He's not deterministic, but He's got perfect foreknowledge, and with that He guides us or warns us. But He knew in advance that He'd guide or warn us, and what the outcome of that guidance/warning would be, so isn't that deterministic?

Further on it says, "But we know our Heavenly Father did not create us out of nothing....He merely places us, His spirit children, in spheres where we can learn and grow by exercising our agency, if we employ it correctly." I had to laugh when the word "employ" was used, because while reading this whole paragraph I was thinking that us spirit children sound more like employees rather than children. If God didn't create us, why are we called His children? Why are we accountable to Him at all?

I have some other stuff to do right now, but these are some of my currents thoughts. Thanks for stopping by!

Welcome Back, Friends!

There's a couple of fellas out there that I know, who don't really know me, but whom I have followed since the beginning of my exit from Mormonism. Both of them have wives who are True Believing Mormons (TBM's) and so their apostatism has caused problems in their marriages. I have nothing to offer these guys, except a little sympathy. But when they both left the RfM world, and even the blogosphere, there was a empty little void that was left in their places.

But they're BACK! At least I think they are ;). One of them, Joseph's Left One, isn't referring to his old handle at all. If it's who I think it is, then he's back with a vengeance. He writes more now than ever. And boy, are his new posts exciting and fun. Glad you're back!

The other, Cr@ig in the Middle, just started his blog, and I am so looking forward to his insights and experiences. This is the only man I have ever heard of who could literally bitch out his own bishop. Funny stuff. Welcome to you too!

Oh, this is going to be a good day! There is sunshine in my soul today....