Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Had a Weird Moment

I was putting my near-toddler son to bed, but we were at my sister's house, so I layed him on my niece's bed. He likes to go to bed with his bottle and classical music. My niece only had 1 CD in her stereo, and thank goodness it happened to be soft, instrumental music. But here's the thing: the music was the instrumental version of the Young Women songs.

When I was in Young Women's, I lived and breathed for my classes, activites, sports, friends and leaders. Firesides were amazing! I took pride in repeating the YW motto, "We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him....." Some of my most spiritual experiences came out of that time in my life. This was the era of the rope analogy called "hold to the rod" (I think), which affected me in a poignant way. I sucked all this stuff up. YW must've been organized for girls like me.

So when I heard a piano softly start playing, my mind began singing the words "I walk by faith, a daughter of heavenly parents. Divine am I in nature by inheritance..." These deep seeded feelings of love and devotion came rushing back instantly, and then they were squashed because that's all over now. It was a quiet moment of grieving. I had to shake off the tears, and consciously return to the task at hand: getting the baby to sleep.

Here's my analytical pat on the back (refer to previous post): When I love, it's deep and loyal. It doesn't just go away because I got a paper in the mail saying I'm not a member anymore. My love for the scriptures is still there too, even though I don't read them now. And do you know what? After I'm finished being sad for that loss, I think I'll actually keep the old love for those things. I think it is a unique and beautiful thing about me, that I don't hold a grudge. The end :)


Joseph's Left One said...

I feel that way, too. Sometimes I can almost feel myself getting sucked back in when I'm in a particularly weepy meeting at church.

But, yeah, it is a deep loss, like being told that the priceless diamond ring that was your grandmother's is really cheap glass. You lose not only the memories and the feelings, but you lose the meaning they once had for you.

I'm trying not to hold grudges, either.

Sideon said...

From 'Til Tuesday...

"Out in the distance I could hear some people laughing. I felt my heart beat back a weekend's worth of sadness."

LA, what a poignant moment.


DFB said...

Quote of the Day:

There are no whole truths. All truths are half truths. It is trying to treat them as whole truths that plays the devil. ~ Alfred North Whitehead

C.L. Hanson said...

Hey La!!!

I know how you feel.

I remember that very song. There are so many songs from my church days that come back to me at random moments, and some of them still have some meaning to me.

On of the hard aspects of realizing that the church isn't true is this idea that you have to reject and leave behind so many childhood memories. But it's not as if you can trade in your childhood at this point and get a new one!!! Nor really that you would necessarily even want to...

I feel like it's a little like being raised in a dysfunctional family. For your own sanity it's important to recognize those aspects of Mormonism that are bad and wrong. But at the same time allow yourself to hold onto some fond memories and fond associations as well if you want to.

I wrote a little about this in a couple of my early blog entries: The Mishies and Me and Cultural Mormon.

C.L. Hanson said...

D'ooh!!! Now I've got that song stuck in my head and I can't get it out!!! lol

I think that's the one that lists all of the Young Women values that we were supposed to set goals in: faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, etc.

If I remember correctly, they corresponded to the different colored gemstones on that bracelet that you sent me a picture of that I posted here.

Montgomery Q said...

Do you mean deep seated

C.L. Hanson said...

La, I was wondering if we could perhaps re-post this old post as a guest post on the new post-Mormon community blog Main Street Plaza.

It's a sweet story, and would perhaps be a good conversation-starter since I think a lot of other exmos have had similar experiences.

Please email me if you're interested: chanson dot exmormon at gmail dot com, thanks!!!