Broken

If I Didn't Know Any Better by Alison Krauss

I turned around
Before I could run
I found you already settled down
In the back of my mind

I know this is just a customary fever
The moon is our deceiver
That will leave you running blind

Your heart is pullin'
If I didn't know any better
I'd be fallin' deeper and deeper it's true
I'd hear it callin'
If I didn't know any better
And I'd be in love with you

Didn't want to
Look in the eyes
Of the one that I would be drawn to
I'm a moth lost in a fire

And I know this
Is just a beautiful illusion,
A case of the confusion
Between love and desire.

Your heart is pullin'
If I didn't know any better
I'd be fallin'
Deeper and deeper it's true
I'd hear it callin'
If I didn't know any better

And I'd be in love
When the flame burns out
And finally settles down
And you forget
I ever came around

Your heart is pullin'
If I didn't know any better
I'd be fallin'
Deeper and deeper it's true
I'd hear it callin'
If didn't know any better
And I'd be in love with you

I turned around
Before I could run
I found you already settled down
In the back of my mind.

Waiting for dinner

So tonight I'm making pork chops, fried potatoes with italian seasoning, and some veggies. Nothing fancy, but it just sounds so good to me.

I'm not much of a cook. I can throw together things if I have to, and lately I've had more confidence at just experimenting with stuff. But still, cooking is something I'd rather to with someone else. There's something magical about putting a meal together and sharing delicious food with another person.

Baking is not the same way for me, however. When baking, I like to do it all alone. I am more organized, more efficient, and I find it cathartic to just live in my brain while measuring out ingredients. Some people like to bake with their children. This just drives me up a wall! I'm sure it's because I have some obsessive compulsive tendancies which result in anxiety as things aren't measured out exactly according to the recipe.

Time to check on the food!! :) I hope it turns out as yummy as I think it ought to!

Another Rendering

Okay here's the latest drawing, at JOOM's request! Thanks, by the way, for motivating me! :)

A Better Place

There is little in this world that's cheesier than Rogers & Hammerstein lyrics. Well, Chicago lyrics are pretty cheesy too. But I was reminded of a song today and it spoke to my heart. And so I give you:

You'll Never Walk Alone from Carousel

When you walk through a storm
Keep your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.

At he end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone.

I think I should be a Buddhist

There are a few goals in life that I've set for myself which I'm striving to achieve. Three really big ones are:

Going with the flow
Act, don't react
Letting my inner passions shine through

If you think about it, the three of those can very well contradict each other. Passionate people tend to be reactors, who tend to not go with the flow. But no matter what, those are things that I am wanting for myself.

I have hurt a lot of people recently, and I can't explain why. I wrestle with my lack of guilt. I ponder the role of the church in my life. My head is a constant battleground of ethics and morals.

Here's the thing I know: eventually life will level out. Eventually I will find my peace. As my friend told me yesterday, things happen for a reason, and it's hard to understand what that might be when we're in the middle of it.

Thanks to all you blogger friends who show love and caring. And to those of you who don't (i.e. Montgomery Q), well, you can just suck it. :)

By the Skin of my Teeth...

I don't have anything to say. Stupid blog-every-day. Sorry to be boring. My personal life is completely upturned right now.

Love you guys.

Alex Took This...

A golden sun melting with the day

I can't think of anything to say about sangria or chicken pot pie that would be worth writing a whole blog entry about. It's pretty obvious to me that this blogging-every-day thing is harder than I expected. My mind is scattered, my relationships and feelings are tenuous, and I can't seem to focus a thought clearly. But. There's been a song consistently playing in my head.

When I See You Smile
by Bad English

Sometimes I wonder
How I'd ever make it through,
Through this world without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue

'Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world's closing in on me,
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you, baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright

When I see you smile
I can face the world, oh oh,
you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light, oh oh,
I see it shining right through the rain
When I see you smile
Oh yeah, baby when I see you smile at me

Baby there's nothing in this world
that could ever do
What a touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew

And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it,
'cause you're here with me now
And one look at you baby
Is all I'll ever need,
you're all I'll ever need

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright

So right...

Witness My Madness

Les Miserables has been dominant in my brain lately. It's what I listen to in my car, as a matter of fact. There is a line which has always bugged me, and so it's the subject of today's blog. Here is a taste-test of the progression of thought that almost always comes whenever I hear that part of the play.

It comes from the song Drink With Me. Setting: friends are gathered in a tavern, lamenting their oncoming battle, knowing full well they might not survive.

"Here's to pretty girls who went to our heads. Here's to witty girls who went to our beds."

Why do the witty girls go to their beds, but not their heads?

Why don't the pretty girls go to their beds??

Why are pretty and witty mutually exclusive?

Am I pretty? Or am I witty?

Which is better? Going to a man's head or his bed? And why?

Which is the kind that you marry?

Are men dumb?

La, Meet Your Tattoo.

There's this guy who is a friend of a friend...his name is Darrin. The past two times we met him he drew on me. Yes, drew. With ink. This man has the mad artist skills, and I've now decided that when it's time, he will design my tattoo.



Here's a highly messed-with photo of the drawing I received last night. He drew it on the small of my back, and when I finally saw it in the mirror, I was instantly in love. The next thing I will have him do is draw a similar image on paper, and ink it with brightly vivid colors... I am so so so excited! This is it. I found it. Ahh...it's a superb feeling!

My New Obsession

There is a beauty in the world which, when tasted, cannot be lived without. I, of course, am speaking of DVR.

DVR is a way to record tv programs digitally. That is to say, without a tape. That is to say, how did we ever survive without this technology?? I am not like Rebecca, who is a psychic. By psychic, I mean that she mostly remembers which night her favorite shows are on. No, I'm no psychic. I forget which night are my shows. So this season I've stopped having "my shows".

Not to mention new shows! Friends and family alike have implored me to watch Heroes, which I had thought seemed interesting when I saw the previews. But, alas, I missed the season premiere, and I can't remember which night it's on. So no Heroes for me.

Enter in my friend Lee, who has the most bitchin' entertainment system EVER (Ok, besides Sideon, who is Uber-Entertainment Man). We spent a couple of evenings at his house and we are not only caught up on every episode of The Office, but we also are nearly caught up on all the Heroes episodes. YAY!!! And now I'm hooked. Yay for the sedentary lifestyle that is television addiction!! Woo-hoo!

DVR made this possible. I can't go back to VHS! That would be like eating my daughter's cheap Halloween chocolates after sampling luscious Swiss chocolate like Lindt. It would be a crime. And so, I vow to get DVR*.

*When I can afford it, cause damn it's expensive! :)

It's Friday, but what does that really mean?

I don't usually do this. I've made an effort to keep most of my complaints off my blog. I want to keep this as a forum of positivity, for the most part. But damn. I can't keep this in any longer so here's a list of current complaints:

* Being sick, especially the gutteral phlegm-y coughing kind

* Getting my period 2 weeks early, and having it for a week straight (as opposed to 5 days)

* Having a sick kid, and having the school call you to inform you of her 101 degree fever, which you should've known about if you were any kind of a parent and checked that kind of thing before you sent her off to school (esp. since she stayed home from school sick yesterday!)

* Not having someone to make me homemade chicken soup and bring me clear fluids all day long

* Jim missed Pam's text message last night on The Office. I'm getting sick of that storyline dragging out.

* Poopy diapers. I'm SO over any baby-hunger...

* There's too many movies I want to see. I don't have enough time!

* Saying the words, "Mormonism doesn't really affect me anymore", then pausing, then hearing Dick Norse on KSL talk about Gordon B. Hinkley on the news. Okay, I proceeded to flip off the TV, so maybe I'm not all the way recovered... :)

This list has gotten way too long. I'll stop it there. Happy Friday to you all!

Two Inches Less

As I ran my fingers through my long, straight black hair, I could hear the sound of hundreds of tiny hairs snapping under the pressure. Have you ever heard hair breaking? Like a crunching sound, but tiny?? It reminds me of the quiet but deafening sound of The Langoliers in the novel by Stephen King.

I knew it was time for a haircut.

"How can I keep my hair long and healthy?" I asked my stylist. "I don't use any product, so it's not really being damaged by chemicals..."

"There's your trouble. Right there. You should be using chemicals. Then when you flat-iron your hair, the heat acts first upon the chemicals, instead of your hair," was her reply.

She round brushed my hair with such fluidity that I was left aghast. She applied mousse, then blow dried it with a round brush, then applied something called "Repair and Shine", then flat-ironed it. My hair was straight, yet full of body. It was lovely!

When I create my own worlds without number, I'll finally be able to have a hairdresser of my very own! :)

Another Pic...

Enjoy the freakish companion to yesterday's photo:

He sees you whine. He knows your hate. You can't hide.

Dave Took This...

The Hawk

I accept the Blog Every Day challenge

Never one to turn down a good competition, I've joined the ranks of Eric in this endeavor. I'm actually just a little bit challenged by this, because lately I've not had properly firing synapses. So, while some posts may be a bit desperate and--let's face it--boring, I do commit to writing a blog post every day in the month of November.

Lack of the Spirit?

For some reason, this year, I haven't gotten into the spirit of Fall festivities. I haven't hung decorations. We carved pumpkins (I got as far as carving the lid, that's all) but we left them over at my sister's house and I haven't felt the urge to go retrieve them. We haven't made yummy Fall treats. The Black Forest cake was more in honor of Oktoberfest, not so much Fall. Anyway, I'm just trying to figure out why I'm so complacent about my favorite season this year.

Oh, and why did Kellogg's take the sugar off the raisins in Raisin Bran?

The After

It's funny to me that I'm starting this post when I don't even have suitable After picture yet. I need to hang the potato sack back up on the hanger and take a pic. I'm sure as people arise from the severe-partying-coma over the next few days that I'll see some pictures of me IN the costume, possibly innebriated. If I find one I approve of, I'll post it.

So for now, please be satisfied with a description of the alterations, and a couple of semi-relevant pictures.

I widened the neckline and it kept falling off my shoulders. So to compensate, I put a couple of tiny pleats in the front, and I really should've ironed them so they actually looked like pleats. I took it in about 5 inches on each side and still it was too big. I put slits up each side, which served well for showing off my choice of undies for the evening.

This is a picture which should give more detail as to my costume of choice. It is, naturally, Cleopatra. This is before I danced my brains out and got sweaty-hot and my hair curled. Oh, and it's before my make-up smudged all over my eyes. I looked pretty harsh this morning, I must say!


This is a picture of the delicious Black Forest cake I made for the party. From scratch. With Kirsch liqueur and everything. It was tasty!!

Thoughts about Life part 2

How to define the "Best of Humanity". I've been thinking about this for a while now. A good definition might be "that which builds up a stronger connection between humans".

I envision a little fisherman guy off the coast of Thailand who is skilled at his craft and enjoys doing it. His life and work and attitude benefit those around him, so he's helping to build up a stronger connection between humans. And I'd like to meet him, my hypothetical fisherman dude. :)

What if eating nasty worms or bugs is a delicacy in some given culture, and I'm offered one as a token of respect? Based on my beliefs (and yes, this IS grossing me out), which include embracing the Best of Humanity, I would eat that bug. I would psyche myself out beforehand, quite possibly, but I'd eat it. Entrails? Well, I'd have to come up with a fake allergy to get out of that situation... Because entrails are ew.

What if I brought it closer to home, and applied it to something more practical? Ooh, this gets tricky for me. In general terms, I try to accept people for their strengths. The older I get, the more I see value in other people's lives and experiences.

In specific terms, I'm probably hypocritical. Because lets face it. When it comes down to it, I'm the most important person to me. Yep, that's my dirty truth people. And often I can't be told what to do, regardless of anyone else's own personal experiences. But despite that, I'm learning to deal with people that I have intimate relationships with, like my mom for example. I try to see my mother in an objective light. TRY is the key word. Each day is a test, and each day I find new rationalizations and justifications for being the way I am. At this point, I'm okay with that. Tomorrow? Well, we'll just have to wait and see...

The Before

We are attending a Halloween party on Saturday, and I decided to go uber-cheap with my costume. We stopped at a thrift store this evening and purchased some make-shift costumes, but I’m going to have to tweak mine a bit in order to have it look semi-respectable. Since I’ve taken the task upon myself, I decided I’d post before and after pictures. Yeah, I’ll probably F it up somehow.







Here is a picture of the dress. Or shall we say potato sack? Or shall we say can you believe someone wore this thing?










Here is a picture of the contraption, which, in theory, will help me make that potato sack into something sleek and sexy (with divine intervention, of course). This machine is older than Eric and I combined. Eric wants to know where the gasoline goes, and where the pull cord is. He’s still looking.

The major factor in the inevitable screwing up of my costume is this: I don’t sew. Well, I do a little bit. But I can’t even get the dang bobbin threaded, so I don’t know how it’s going to play out. I may just have to take this thing over to my mom’s, who’s sewing machine is twice as old as mine.

I’ll post the after pictures on Saturday, hopefully! :)

I Will Follow You Into The Dark

By Death Cab For Cutie

Love of mine someday you will die

But I'll be close behind

I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white

Just our hands clasped so tight

Waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule

I got my knuckles brusied

by a lady in black

And I held my toungue as she told me

"Son, fear is the heart of love"

So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see

From Bangkok to Calgary

And the soles of your shoes

are all worn down

The time for sleep is now

It's nothing to cry about

Cause we'll hold each other soon

The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

Then I'll follow you into the dark

The Insatiable Cry

My boy woke up in a mood today. He's been crying nearly non-stop. We're talking primal scream, snot pouring, nothing-will-make-it-better cry. He runs around the house, grunting and sobbing with each footstep. Back and forth from the living room to the bedroom, up the stairs and down the stairs, sometimes pausing to fling himself backwards onto the floor. It's 9 am and my head is pounding.

Anyone want a boy? I'll wipe his nose for you before hand...

Alex Took This...

Alex' review of San Francisco, where he visited last week:

"Chinatown smells bad. Mom didn't like Ghirardelli's as much as she should have. They should get a machine to turn the cable cars around. A funny bird is the pelican."

San Francisco Skyline

The Rock

Surprises

Why is it that I rarely can be surprised? What is it about me that I tend to see things coming? Am I observant? Am I expectant?

Eric surprised me in a bad way once (I'm not holding it over your head, just acknowledging it for the sake of my thought progression). He's made a few attempts over our years together to surprise me on Valentine's or birthdays, but hasn't really achieved that. Ooh wait, one year he surprised me with a gift certificate for a massage at a local day spa. I wasn't expecting that, and it led to my eventual attendance of massage therapy school. So that was kind of a big one, and that surprise actually shaped a part of my life in a way. :)

I was surprised when my daughter turned out to be a daughter. I was convinced that I was pregnant with a boy.

Lately I have discovered that I'm often wrong when I interpret people's reactions. It's been a difficult task for me to accept that my predictions / assumptions / interpretations might be incorrect. I take it as a growth stage that I'm in though. It's all part of my master plan to have my life be fluid and just go along for the ride. So maybe I'll start to be surprised more and more...

My Monday

I have someone over at my house. His name is Tommy. Tommy is 5 years old, and he's in Kindergarten. We are having a lot of fun. He ate breakfast, he put on a movie but he's not watching it, and he investigated all my chinese stuff.

We've had discussions about how coffee is a diuretic, how chinese calligraphers perform their craft, about Buddha, how a flame of a candle goes out when oxygen is removed, and bacon and sausages.

And his dad dropped him off.

Tommy thinks this is good, and we should publish it now. :)

(I'm watching him for a friend today, and we're having fun talking. This kid is very well spoken so I enjoy our chats. I'm forming another thought to blog about, but this was fun for us to do together...)

Celeste

I'm looking for a camera.

Today was a day for doing chores; deep cleaning the bathroom, touching up in the kitchen, vacuuming the living room and stairs, folding laundry, and getting rid of the gigantic DI pile in the bedroom. I'm not a cleaning person. I avoid it. But today just felt like a good day to get things respectable. It gave me quiet time, time to get some thinking in. Alone-time with La, shall we say.

Recently I was looking through my box of pictures, and I came across one of me, my brother, and my mom in the airport, returning from Argentina. So while I was busy scrubbing the bathroom floor today, my thoughts drifted back to that particular trip.

My parents took me there when my brother (Montgomery Q) was done with his 2 yr. LDS mission. It was the kind of vacation that I like: part relaxed interaction with natives, and part site-seeing. Montgomery Q took us to meet many of the Mormon families he knew in the area. These people were humble and gracious and fed us until we couldn't walk. We were greeted with kisses, we parted with kisses, they hugged us over and over again. I was 16 years old, and I knew I was in love with this country.

At one house (I believe their name was Jouinsse), we had a game night with some of their friends and other missionaries. I remember a young girl, about my age, who vied to be on my team. She couldn't speak English very well, maybe just a few words. Her name was Celeste. She had beautiful blue eyes with long eyelashes, and short, straight brown hair which she curled under. I didn't know who she was, really, but I was aware that she didn't live at that house. Maybe a friend of the Jouinsse's daughter, Anna? I'm not sure. She and I laughed awkwardly and enjoyed the game (Pictionary en Español) without understanding each other's comments.

The next day was Sunday and my family attended Sacrament meeting there in Libertad. Celeste came and sat by me, holding my hand. We Utah Mormons were a novelty for the ward, so they asked us to stand and bear our testimonies, while my brother translated for us. I bawled my eyes out. The "spirit" was strong that day.

Afterwards, we said our goodbyes in the lobby of the church, hugging our host family and shaking the hands of, yep, I think everyone in the ward. I remember a large person stepping out of the way, and there behind him I saw Celeste. She was looking at me with her blue eyes and they were welling up with tears. She approached me, threw her arms around my neck, and we hugged while her tears spilled. I wiped a tear from her cheek with my thumb. She shyly giggled and broke her gaze at last. We held hands and gave each other knowing looks. (But what were we knowing? That's what I'd like to know.)

And then we left. I've never exchanged letters with her, I've never seen her since.

Now I'm looking for a camera, because remembering that experience makes me never want to be without a camera.

Making Sense Out of Nonsense

I don't post much about religion or Mormons these days, but AzEx' conversation with a Christian apologist got me thinking.

It's amazing how illogical it all sounds to me now. All of it! I'm trying to figure out when/how I switched to such a scientific way of thinking about things. Here is a list of things that I find to be complete nonsense:

* SomeONE being responsible for the creation of the earth/universe

* Mary being a virgin, yet conceiving a child

* Jesus' entire purpose (to come to earth and teach men the way back to their "father", and dying for our sins and being our salvation. I might have to make a separate post about this one...)

* Christianity is only the third or fourth largest religion, and still they think they've got all the answers

* Jesus bleeding from every pore and bearing everyone's sins. Everyone's sins. All billions of us. And, he bore ALL the sins. So we're talking astronomical amounts of sins he "bore". Uh-huh.

* Striving each and every day for something more, something in the future, something unknown or unseen. How great would the world be if we all would strive to live in the Present?? (This reminds me of a sign I saw in the Provo city building, when I was there to pay for a parking ticket. It read: The past is just history, The future is a mystery, Each day is a gift, That's why we call it the "present")

* That any entity can define happiness, marriage, the afterlife, or morality for anyone else and call it absolute. Preposterous.

I can't think of anything else off the top of my head. Got anything else that seems completely illogical to you? Please share! :)

What it was like for me without my phone this past Mon-Wed

My heart starts pounding. I can feel my palms sweating, even though my hands are cold. "Am I missing a call from my daughter's school? A text from my friend? A potential job interview?" Questions race through my head. Fears escalate. Frantically, I hope beyond hope that my sister is home from work today and on her computer. I need to go to her house, I think. I need to get to a phone.

I pack the kids into the mini-van. My daughter is bewildered because she had only gone out to play not long before. "Mommy, you said I could play...! Where are we going?"

"Mommy needs to get to a phone, honey. We're going to your Aunt's house. I gotta make some calls," is the only response I am coherent enough to formulate.

I crank the music for distraction, and get carried away in Les Miserables. "There's a grief that can't be spoken. There's a pain goes on and on. Empty chairs at empty tables, where my PHONE is dead and gone...," I sing. Oh NO! I can't escape the madness. Switch songs.

"Take my hand, and lead me to salvation! Take my love, for love is everlasting. And remember the truth that once was spoken: To love another person is to see the face of god!" Whew! I make it through that song. No tears, no heartache.

Moments later we're at my sister's. I get on her phone and call my husband. He's working on the situation, and encourages me to find the dipstick who's screwing us over and kick him, HARD. I have a new task, an address, a phone number for the dipstick. I have focus. I'm on a mission. I proceed with my duties diligently. With the help of my sister's phone I actually speak with the dipstick. He's apologetic yet also makes excuses. My children are witness to sailor-speak. They wonder why their mommy has such an animalistic glaze in her eyes.

Dipstick promises payment and I settle down. The fury retreats, and I'm left with the return of the anxiety. Later in the evening I feel beaten down, broken. "I'm never gonna get my phone turned back on," I lament. The night before me seems long and unending.

Just at a moment when I actually am not looking at the phone, I hear the Arrested Development theme song play. What? Where? HUH?!? That's my phone! What's going on? I search desperately, finding my phone within the folds of my blanket. It's my husband calling me! And with that, he saves the day. The phone is back on. The anxiety from before completely washes away, that quickly. I'm at peace. "Come with me, where chains will never bind you. All your grief, at last, at last behind you..." :)

Picture This (cause damnit I didn't have my camera):

I'm sitting here laptopping, blogging, emailing etc. I hear clinking in the kitchen so I decided I better get up and go check it out.

My nearly 2 yr old son is wearing only a diaper and standing on a chair he must've dragged across the kitchen to the counter. He has an open sippy cup in one hand and a pot of coffee in the other. I watch as he finishes pouring coffee into his sippy cup, sets down the pot, gets the lid, and starts to screw it into place. I tried to grab my camera but it doesn't have a memory card in it. :(

That kid in incorrigible! I swear...

White rectangle against the black night

It's an ungodly hour, and here I post. Watch out for low-flying random topics.

Spelling. Amongst my friends, I am known as two things: a Tequila Snob (meaning I can only stand high-end stuff. No Cuervo for me, no thank you!) and a Spelling Snob. Let's discuss...

I don't spell correctly all the time. Sometimes I mix usages; for example, recently I used pour instead of poor. For the life of me, I have to consciously speak out loud words like "they're" (they are) or "definitely" (de-finite-ly).

What does proper spelling say to me though? It shows careful thought, it shows appreciation for language, it shows validation of one's education. I hereby embrace that I'm a Spelling Snob. So be it! I probably come across as arrogant to my friends. Oh well. I just appreciate fine spelling, and if that makes me conceited, I can deal.

Recently I have come up with Reasons to Stay in Utah. On the one hand, it's a relief because moving is always a pain. But on the other hand, it's very sad to me. I was dead set on high-tailing it out of here! I'm seeing some benefits to staying, though, and they've been occupying a large chunk of my thought scheme of late.

We haven't gotten any of our Halloween decorations out. We haven't purchased pumpkins for carving. Halloween is fast approaching, and I have yet to even acknowledge it. It's the 17th already?!? Sheesh.

There's some dog barking in the neighborhood. I wonder what his deal is? Doesn't he know he should be asleep? I also just heard the furnace turn on. Or rather, the air coming out of the ducts. It's getting chilly here at night, so we've had to use the furnace or our body parts will flash freeze and shatter when we roll out of bed at 7 am. I HATE 7 am. But I've mentioned that before.

"Lord let us out of this hall full of mirrors
Make it all clearer
Dont let us fall
In the middle of the night..."

-Jimmy Buffett Middle of the Night

Dave Took This...

"Next Time, Don't Wear Flip-Flops. "

This was taken at Cedar Breaks on Saturday afternoon.

"Why Don't I Live on the East Coast? Because God Lives in Southern Utah, That's Why."

This was taken just south of St. George at about 5 pm.

Christy's Elbow

Oh yes. Don't doubt me. Your elbow haunts the archives of my blog from this day forward.

I've Been Tagged!!

SML tagged me!!! Sorry I took a decade to realize, but you're right, I totally want to play...

3 smells that I love:
· pumpkin pies baking in the oven
· hot apple cider
· my mango lotion

3 smells that I hate:
· diapers and wipes (clean or dirty)
· eggs
· dog farts (or any farts, for that matter)

3 jobs that I have had in my life:
· phone surveying
· waitressing
· crop insurance underwriter

3 movies that I could watch over and over:
· Fifth Element
· Lord of the Rings trilogy
· Spiderman 1 & 2 (and soon 3 also)

3 fond memories:
· Camping from Astoria, Oregon all the way down the coast to Bend, Oregon.
· Listening to Thunderstruck by AC/DC before softball games
· My brother Dave explaining his college calculus to me while he was doing his homework

3 jobs I would love to have:
· the guy who switched the guitars out for the guitarist in The Killers
· travel writer
· host on Saturday Night Live

3 places I have lived:
· Orem, UT
· Alpine, UT
· Raleigh, NC

3 things I like to do:
· sing, sing, sing
· blog
· hanging with friends AND having sex, but not simultaneously, they just both deserved recognition (or as TLC reminded me, Orgasm should be at the top of this list)

3 of my favorite foods:
· Mexican (It's TACO TIME!!!)
· Sunday dinners at mom's
· Ooh, ooh, baked potatoes with everything on 'em

3 places I would like to be right now:
· Travelling Europe
· Blue Ridge mountains
· anywhere warm, sunny, and lovely

3 websites I visit daily:
· Craig's List
· All y'alls blogs
· Site Meter (my secret has been revealed)

3 things that make me cry:
· Life
· Beauty
· Realizing

3 friends that I am tagging:
· Sideon (welcome back!)
· Rebecca (we live far away because you moved...Remember?)
· JOOM-Amy (where ya been?)

The Power has the Power

Argh! I was just watching V for Vendetta--and loving it--when at the climax of the movie, our power went out. It was just for a moment, but it was long enough to reset our DVD player. That isn't a big deal except I can't find the remote for it, and I can't access the "scene selection" option from the actual player. I think the only thing I can do is rewatch the whole movie and keep hitting "next" until I get to the scene that I was on last.

Why, oh why am I so dependent on a remote? And where the H could it be??

A Love Letter

Ah, sweet blog, with whom I've been apart too long...

Dear My Blog,

You are my sanctuary; one tiny corner of the universe where I am at the center. You expect nothing from me, and without guilt I can give to you as little or as much as I have to give. You are a solice in a world full of compromise.

You don't get upset with me when things don't work out your way. You don't take every word I use, and turn them against me. You don't make fun of me. You never tell me to be anything other than who I am. You hear my complaints, and just by your listening I am able to work through my problems. You allow me to sort through the mess in my brain, and never insist that I'm hurting you or imposing myself onto you.

You go with the flow. You are reasonable and rational, and you take things as they come. You help me to realize that my happiness is dependant on no one but myself. You are a reflection of me, my best and worst moments, and yet I don't feel judged.

Dear My Blog, I'm lucky to have you as a source of comfort. You are an oasis to me, as I traverse the barren, lonesome deserts of life. I thank you.

Your sincere friend,

La

Tequila--a Friday Funny

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmecist about tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness, and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything! You'll notice the benefits of tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you'll discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding, and start living, with tequila!

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use tequila. However women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, drymouth and a desire to sing karaoke, and play all night rounds of strip poker, truth or dare and naked twister.

Warning: the consumption of alcohol may make you think you're whispering when you're not; is a major factor in dancing like a retard; may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you're in love with them; also may cause you to think you can sing. Alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. Alcohol may make you think that you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. It may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people; and it may lead you to think that people are laughing with you. Alcohol may cause pregnancy, and it also may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

So what are you waiting for? Stop hiding, and start living, with tequila!!

To Rebecca: Let's Chat over Blogs

No, actually, I didn't know that the immaculate conception was talking about Mary's conception. Okay, so her mother and father were mortal, and so by right she should've been stained with Original Sin. But she wasn't. Her soul was pure.

And what I was referring to in my last post is called Virgin Conception, or Incarnation, referring specifically to Jesus Christ. I still would love to see how that worked!!

I'm learning lots about things in which I do not believe! :)

Say a little prayer for me, yeah, yeah!

Something happened to me last night which hasn't happened in well over a year.

I was getting ready for bed, thinking about the day, thinking about life. I thought about how a friend of ours is going out of town for the weekend, and before I knew it, this thought popped into my head: "Please, God, bless ____ to have a safe flight, and find peace in his life."

I didn't always say my prayers at night. I didn't like kneeling beside the bed, and I didn't like such a physical display of humility. *insert judgement here* But what I did do, however, was keep constant prayers in my head. I would "converse" with God in my head all the time. The idea of there existing someone who could read my mind, know my thoughts, always bugged me. But I would tuck away that negativity and I learned to embrace the God In My Brain.

After I lost my belief in the truth of the LDS church, I applied the same questions to my belief in Jesus and God themselves. I couldn't prove their existence or divinity, which is the only way I would believe. At this point I'd need God himself to descend his throne and show me exactly how that immaculate conception worked. (heehee, I'm so dramatic!)

And now we've reached the Point of this post: It was easy for me to get that god out of my brain. I stopped attributing my OWN thoughts to him. I've learned that any conversations were with myself. So, last night, I threw myself for a loop when I realized what I was saying. It was foreign and strange to me. I had to shake my head and say, "Huh??"

I'm not worried about it though. The energy behind prayer is valid, and I do wish my friend peace. It was just a moment of weirdness, and the best thing to do about those is to blog about them! :) Happy Thursday, friends!

Monday October 11, 1999

Seven years ago exactly (about 10 am EST) I was headed down to the hospital in Raleigh NC because I had an amnionic fluid leak, and my doctor told me he wanted to check it out. I was 1 day overdue with my first baby. The doctor took an ultrasound, but the baby was too big to determine the gender. He thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and induce me, just to be on the safe side regarding the leak.

So I walked from his office into the hospital and checked in. The nurse started me on nubane, which is a narcotic. I didn't know this at the time about myself, but narcotics + me = sleep. I spent most of the day in a half-asleep catatonic state. They had also started me on a pitocin drip, which makes contractions come hard and strong. Ouchies. But I was drugged up, so mostly I was just annoyed that this Pain kept waking me out of my stupor. I requested an epidural.

Well that worked. No pain, relaxing sleep, I was a happy camper.

Within 12 hours of driving to see the doctor that morning, I was pushing my first child out of my body. A living being came from inside me. WEIRD! Eric was standing on my right side, watching the whole thing. I could feel enough to know when the baby was out, and the doctor declared, "It's a GIRL!" I looked at Eric who had tears streaming down his face. They placed my daughter on my chest, all yucky and covered in gook, and I met my little tiny sweet girl for the first time.

Eric called his parents, who were bowling that night with their league. He talked to his mom, and told her it was a girl. This was the first girl on their side of the family, so I could hear her squeal in delight. She yelled to my father-in-law "It's a GIRL!!!" and I could hear him shout hooray in the background. They were at the hospital within the hour to see their baby granddaughter.

Today that wonderful girl is 7. She's on a field trip with her first grade class. She can tie her shoes, has beautiful handwriting, and she loves to give hugs and kisses. She likes to read. She loves to ride her bike. She's growing up before our eyes; she's no longer the helpless little bundle, all wrapped up in her blanket and warm. She's getting so big! :)

Alex Took This...

Why don't I live in the sticks like La? Because stuff happens downtown, that's why!

From Dave:

Last Wednesday we went to see the silent movie "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" down at the SL Library. This wasn't the 1941 version with Spencer Tracy, but the 1920 silent feature with Drew Barrymore's grandfather, John Barrymore. A pop/synth group out of Boston called Devil Music Ensemble performed their new score live along with the movie.

Alex loves the library and was enchanted by the feel of the atrium at night. Here's his vision. Its called "Why don't I live in the sticks like La? Because stuff happens downtown, that's why!"

Here's my review of the movie: Less hamming, more talking. That would be nice.

Here's my review of the score: Spooky, enthralling. Omit the movie, and this would have been an ASS-kicker of a concert.

My Own Personal Magic

I inhale deeply. My breath levels out, my heart rate slows, I'm ready. I place my hands on this warm, breathing, alive body before me. Initial contact. Touch. It's the most intimate experience a human can have, and it's in my control. I'm responsible for this person. I connect with this person on a level which many humans never get to enjoy.

My hands on a person's back. The feeling is warm, sometimes hot, and slippery. Spreading lotion across a person's bare skin. Learning their curves, bumps, anatomy. Their body is speaking to me, through my fingertips. I'm feeling where they hold their pain. I'm feeling where their body needs attention. I'm feeling their emotions, history, their life through my hands.

For example, much of my time might be spent between their shoulder blades and also on their shoulders. Tightness in those areas tells me about their insecurities, their self-image. Slouching, rolling the shoulders forward, hanging the head are all manifestations of poor self-esteem. I can sense this just by touching, my hands exploring their muscles.

Massage is part science, part compassion, part energy. Take away any one of those things and a massage will fall short of its potential. If both my partner and I (because that is what a client truly is: a partner in healing) approach a massage understanding all three aspects, open to possibility, magic can happen.

Acute injuries can heal more quickly. Old chronic pains can dissipate without medication. Abuses of all kinds can be addressed and released. But more common is the feeling of calm and peace we both feel throughout our time together. We've connected. We've shared, likely without saying many words. It's magic, and it's magic that I've personally been honored to experience.

Song of the Day

Wishing You Were Here
by Alison Moyet

I can't begin to tell you how it feels,
It's a clear blue sky.
Out here, my heart so full it's fit to burst,
Just counting the hours

Oh such a long way gone
How to share a day.
Here's my only way
Send myself to you.

Wishing you were here
Wishing you were here

I can't begin to tell you where I've been,
It's a world behind.
And if we are to find our heaven here
We just have to look harder.

Now I can see you
I never could before.
Now I want nothing more
When I close my eyes.

Wishing you were here
Wishing you were here

Oh such a long way gone
How to share a day.
Here's my only way
When I close my eyes.

Wishing you were here
Wishing you were here

I can't begin to tell you how it feels.

My Halloween Costume

Okay, here's my criteria. I don't want to spend much money. I like having my face painted, as opposed to masks. I like my eyes to look wicked-cool. I really like the picture of Siouxsie and the Banshees on Sideon's blog. Check out her eyes!!!

Christy will be at the same party as me, so I can't go as Satine. Not that I have any disillusions that I could ever come remotely close to looking as good as Nicole Kidman! (Christy, you'll look stunning, so go for it!!!)

I'm leaning towards some kind of cat-theme. OOH OOH, I should dress up like one of the characters in Cats. Or at least paint my face like that... *swooning at the possibilities*

K so help me think of how to get a cheap costume that's at least half-way between pathetic and fabulous.

Just Shootin the Shite

What's the name of that one movie? The one with Audrey Hepburn, where's she's blind and she lives in London (maybe?) and a guy comes into her house to kill her. But then she turns out the lights to the house, because that will make it hard for him to maneuver and she'll have the advantage, but then he opens up the fridge, and uses the fridge light to find her. But then she unplugs the fridge. What's that one called??

I was thinking about that movie today because of my freaky friend Matt who looks scary with blue lights (specifically the hot tub lights) shining on his face. And since he can freak me out fairly easily, I was thinking of that movie because it freaks me out. But I'm not blind. And Audrey saves the day, so it turns out fine for her.

Speaking of turning out fine, I need to think of a Halloween costume. I've never really been into dressing up for Halloween. One year I painted my face in the same markings that my Siberian Husky, Sam, had. Then I put my hair in 2 ponytails, to represent ears. It was pretty cute.

Since then, though, I haven't gone out of my way to dress up. This year I really ought to put forth some effort. I like doing things that involve exotic or complex make-up. I used to do make-up for the plays in high school. I was pretty good, and I really liked the fantasy stuff. My favorite make-up I ever did was for the play A Midsummer Night's Dream. I got to paint all the cool designs on the fairies.

Speaking of make up, that's the best part of fighting, wouldn't you agree?

So to conclude: Scary movies + make up = ramblings on a Sunday evening... :)

Memories of Cold

Hurricanes, tornadoes, blizzards, drought, rain so heavy you can't see the hood of your car, multiple feet of snow, and more...

I've experienced a lot of weather phenomena. When I moved to North Carolina after high school, my love of weather was heightened because it's so different from Utah. One winter we were hit by a Noreaster, which dumped 2 feet of snow on the Triangle area in a very short period of time. That part of the country becomes paralyzed in snow. Everything shuts down. Roads stay slick and treacherous for days. When the threat of snow is forecasted, grocery stores get a mad rush of pour poor souls buying bread, milk, beer, peanut butter and other essentials. I used to think it was ludicrous, but soon realized that I better do the same, or I would be hurting in the aftermath.

Freezing Rain is a weather occurance that both fascinates me and scares me. I had never experienced it before moving to North Carolina. Freezing rain is rain that freezes right before impact. It creates the most spectacular sites! Power lines become draping valances. Trees bend under the weight of ice. Roads glisten in the sunlight. The world is a frozen, crystal canvas...

Beautiful though it is, the ice creates BIG problems. Transformers blow, power lines snap in two, and trees fall. Driving on a sheet of ice is one of the hardest things I've ever done. And it's cold!!! When the power goes out (as it most likely will) the temperature in the house drops fast. Firewood is a must-have. It was during a freezing rain storm that we would have family campouts around our fireplace. None of us were very warm, but it was an adventure!

Lesson I learned from living in NC: Mother Nature must be respected. This world is a curious and wonderful playground!

Things That Make Me Happy

(a great idea that Sister Mary Lisa came up with...may all our lists be as long as hers!)

I had started a post earlier about birthdays, since we have a lot coming up in our family, but it turned into a pity party. So I decided to give myself a kick in the behind and recognize the GOOD things in life.

Hugs and kisses from my kids, preferrably with tickles and giggles

Soaking in the hot tub under a star-filled sky

Catching up with old friends

Singing at the top of my lungs in the car, shower, at the bar, or anywhere, really

Wading in a stream

Dragonflies

Seeing Timpanogos out my living room window every day

Campfires

Eating out, anytime, anywhere (well, almost anywhere!!)

Going out to someplace where I get to dress up (plays, musicals, symphonies, etc)

Pop Secret Homestyle popcorn, chocolate covered cherries, Lucky Charms, sweet tea, Carolina BBQ, pizza, Char-Grill cheeseburgers

Massages and Pedicures

Great tunes (Depeche Mode is my current obsession)

Delicious smelling lotions, nail polish, make-up, new shoes, new clothes

There's a Point in here somewhere, trust me...

7 am is brutal. I'm not sure what it is about that specific time, but I don't like it. Oh wait, I just figured it out:

When you wake up at 6 am you know you're getting up early, so your brain is prepared for grogginess. When you wake up at 8 am you've had a full night's sleep (most likely) so your brain is at its earliest point of full wakefulness. But at 7 am? Your brain is confused. It's early enough (and still dark out, for now) that your brain wants you to stay in bed. But it's late enough that you know the day is starting, and so you feel like maybe you should get up. It's guilt, grogginess, and a severe want for your bed. That's what it is!

So this morning as my daugher was getting ready for school, I was trying to devise ways for her to get ready and get to school all on her own. So I can stay in bed. What??

I decided that what she needs is a little lesson in fashion. Some people are born with a natural fashion sense. My niece had usurped her right to choose for herself by the age of 2! My daughter does not have this fashion-sense trait. Her only criteria for clothing is that it has to be clothing, and the tag can't itch. She and her dad come up with the same mismatched outfits, so neither of them have "picking out" privileges. I need to put together a short list of fashion MUSTS, that my almost-7 yr old can comprehend and implement. Here's what I have so far:

* Pick out your bottoms first, because you have less of those. Find a shirt next, based on your choice of bottoms.

* Jeans go with nearly EVERY top you have. Only choose a blue top as your last choice, but even still, blue would go with jeans.

* If it hurts to wear it, it's too little. If your tummy is hanging out, it's too little. If it's too little, do NOT put it back in your drawer. Throw it in the DI pile. (YES I still support the church. Sue me.)

* Socks matter least. If you can't find the right color, just grab any color. (ok, you see how fashionable her mama really is!)

Now here's what I'm wondering. Is there a way (chart, game, etc) to teach her which colors DO NOT go together? I mean, orange and blue are fine if you're a Bears fan, but for a 7 yr old girl??? Yikes...

Dave ('s camera) Took This...

Week 3 It's so tragic when you have to settle on the family pic. The boy was in no mood to get his picture taken, so this one of him sitting and semi-smiling/semi-freaking-out was rare in the batch we have. My nephew who took it (a different nephew) offered to photoshop my face off and put a different one in its place. Eh, I don't care that much... But I really should've lightened it up before posting it. OH WELL. I had to resize it too, because it was taken in raw format, so the original is HUGE. Kinda like my mouth!! :)

This is a neat (?) double exposure picture which Dave wanted to be this weeks contribution. So, since this is HIS feature, I'll post it. It's sort of philosophical...

And on the first day, there was rest.

The weekend was fun. It feels like we were constantly on the go, though. Today we'll sit back, relax, and not concern ourselves with the world outside our house. Okay, but to be fair, my family always spontaneously comes up with things, so my plans of nothing might just go awry.

Here's a question I ask just to humor myself. But I DO expect a reply! *angry eyebrows*

If you were God, or had god-like omnipotence, what would you change about THIS day? This one, right now?

Discuss.

Counting down...

There is 40 minutes until the afternoon session of gen conf. Okay so we're totally playing a drinking game while watching it. Who's with me??? :)

Black Celebration

Crappy picture taken by my temporary replacement phone.

This represents only part of what's left of my phone. There are probably another 4 or 5 pieces which Eric is trying to pull information off of.

So here we meet to honor the short life of my LG. It's been through a lot with me this past year. It's been present and witnessed joy, pain, drunkenness, love, boredom, and so many more experiences. It's rainbow lights flashed with every phone call or text message it received. Those rainbow lights always made me smile. The vibrate function made me smile too, and its' power is unmatched (Get your mind out of the gutter!! Our relationship was strictly plutonic.).

I'm sure I'll love my upgrade phone too, eventually. But it will never be the same as this one.

Rest in peace (or in pieces!) in the trash, sweet LG. You'll never be forgotten.

Well, shit...

I love my cell phone. My cute little LG with the rainbow lights. My cute pictures. My cute saved/locked text messages. My cute videos of the baby swan-diving off the couch onto some pillows. And videos of other stuff too *cough* which I won't go into detail about. It's all very precious to me, vain though it may be.

I seriously get panicky when I don't have it. After visiting my brother's house this evening, I realized that I didn't have it. I couldn't go back over there because the kids were in bed. So I had Eric go over there after he got off work. He and my brother looked all around the house for it. They couldn't hear it ringing, and they scoured the place in search of it.

So here's what they found: my cute little rainbow-lighted phone in several pieces on the road in front of his house. Like, irrepairable. Like, gone. I'm physically depressed about this... Time for chemical solace.

Things To Do On a Friday Night: The Sequel

I've had 4, FOUR, separate hits tonight of people who googled the words "what to do on a friday night". I figure it's my duty to help these poor, bored souls out... These have all been tried and tested by ME!

*Take a friend and stuff them into the trunk of your car. Do it in a highly conspicuous area, and make sure their hands/feet are hog-tied, and there's sufficient duct tape on their mouth. Make sure other people see your struggle. Drive away laughing your guts out and yelling "You better shut it back there!!"

*Take rolls and rolls of butcher paper up to your local mountain/hill and use it to spell the initial of your preferred college. Anchor it down with rocks or else it'll blow away.

*Dumpster Diving. 'Nuff said.

*Skinny dipping, hiking, or possibly streaking, though make sure you don't get arrested.

*Billboard dancing. Climb up on the billboard of your choice and dance away. This might possibly get you arrested too, so be careful.

*Drive to somewhere with legalized gambling. Here in UT we'd go to Wendover, NV or Mesquite, NV. Don't take any money. Hit on the hottest guy you've ever known, and spend the night in his hotel room with him. Remember his name and his Armani suit 10+ years later. *sigh*

*Hop fences into peoples back yards and use their hot tubs. Although, now as a homeowner with a hot tub, I'd kick your ass if you hopped my fence. So beware and be quiet.

*Sneak into movies.

*Get hypnotized on stage by a comedian. Make ass of self.

*Karaoke. Any time, anywhere, anybody. Ah, sweet karaoke. My friend.

Ok well if you haven't figured out something to do by now, I don't think I can help you much. Take special note here: none of these things involve alcohol, and most of them will get you into trouble. Be well...go forth...

Jealousy

Since Chanson and I are going to fight over JLO, I decided I'd talk about my shortcomings over here, instead of hogging her comment space.

Regarding my earlier post about certain beliefs I have, there's another subtopic I want to discuss. I said, "The way I interpret others' actions is based on my own life experiences and insecurities, and is therefore biased." This is something I really have to tell myself over and over again, because I've found that I'm somewhat of a jealous person. I guess I always have been, but I've never acknowledged it until recently.

I don't get jealous in the sense of envy or bitterness; I don't guard things vigilantly; I'm not jealous like "god", intolerant of disloyalty or unfaithfulness. So how am I jealous?? I found the definition of jealous that best describes me, and it most certainly has to do with my insecurities:

"Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position."

I suppose I feel like I'm easily replaceable, not so very unique, and teetering precariously on the edge of oblivion. In my logical mind I know that no one else can make these feelings disappear. I know that I have to find validation within myself. This is something I seek, every day. Self-worth. I seek the voices inside myself that tell me I'm a rockin lady on my own merits, not by borrowed qualities.

So there you go! How's that for an insightful peek into La...and all that entails? (sorry to borrow your creativity, Rebecca! ;-))

Thoughts about Life: part 1

I believe that "god" is a collective energy. Humanity. In the musical Les Miserables it says: "To love another person is to see the face of god." I believe this is true in a figurative sense. When we love others, we are most plugged into Humanity. We feel happiness. We are most receptive to feeling the collective energy of those around us.

I believe that we as humans have no pre-set purpose for existing. "Why are we here?" is a moot, generalized question. Why does that deer exist up there on that mountain? Why did that serf exist in 1344? Irrelevent, all of it. We are part of the circle of life, just the same as billions of humans before us, just the same as all living things. And so, because I have no specific guideline or reason for existing (other than simply "I exist"), I set for myself a purpose. And that purpose is to experience all walks of life and culture. My self-determined reason for existence is to find and cherish the Best of Humanity. (subtopic for another time: how to define the "Best of Humanity")

I believe that I am responsible for my own actions. I can choose to do something, or not choose it, and my reasons are my own. The way I interpret others' actions is based on my own life experiences and insecurites, and is therefore biased. The way others interpret my actions is based on their own life experiences and insecurities, and is therefore biased. No one can truly and exactly understand another human being. But I find I'm most at peace with myself and am positively connected to the collective energy of Humanity when I'm actively engaged in trying to understand others. I believe that relationships are most functional when the parties involved care enough to put themselves into their partner's place and look at things from their point of view. It's a journey, a path, but one without destination. Just walking the path of Trying To Understand is courageous and speaks volumes as to one's priorities.

I believe that attacking others based on your own personal preferences or opinions of how life ought to be is destructive and counterproductive. I believe to do so actually pulls one further from Humanity, and creates a harder time of plugging back in.

The Interview

We didn't think we would survive the trip, I have to admit that much. We had been gone from the house for nearly 2 hours when we remembered that both of us forgot to pack Eric's suit into the car. There were 2 other major crises, but we made it. Thanks to our dear, amazing friend Sideon and to Eric's sweet, generous family, we really were able to enjoy our short trip to the East Bay.

The interview went well, according to Eric. It's for a company that does construction project management in the Bay Area. They are looking for someone who can do most everything, especially brochure writing/marketing. Eric is the type of person who would be able to do ANYTHING and do it well. He just has to be given a chance.

So we're waiting to hear. This is the crappy part, for sure. We both really liked the cities we visited, so it would be great if it works out. We'll be sure to keep y'all posted! :)

Dave Took This...

Week 2

Dave was in San Diego this past weekend at the Utah/San Diego State football game. In honor of me also being in California, though not in SoCal, here is this week's picture deluxe, Coronado bridge and all. From Dave:

"Do you know what kicks all ass? The U.S. Naval Fleet. I was told by the San Diego cab driver that this is the USS Kitty Hawk, although I had thought that ship was forward-deployed in Japan right now. If it's true, I kind of feel lucky that it was in port while I was there, as it is an important part of history and still an important part of our fleet. The USS Kitty Hawk is currently the oldest active ship in the U.S. Navy (commissioned in 1961), and it is also the most decorated. This is taken with a very long zoom across the harbor but I hope you get a sense of the size of this thing."

Ping! Oh no, depth charges!

Hello from sunny CA!

Just a quick hi to my blog friends. We're in california for a job interview for Eric. We'll be back in Happy Valley tomorrow, and I'll write about how it went. Or Eric will. :) I hope all is well with y'all.

Okay, that's SERIOUSLY the last straw... (or rather, last pair of panties)

I hope the ASPCA isn't reading this because I'm about to kill my dog...

He eats my goddamn underwear!! Panties, bras, all of them. GRRR... I mean, I know they're hot. And Eric says I'm tasty ;) , but there has GOT to be a way to curb this.

I don't have the money to keep replenishing this snack for him. Give me a break!!

Faith on Friday

From The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce, as introduced to me by my friend JLO.

FAITH, n.
Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

On days when my understanding was less than pristine, I often turned to the primary song "Faith" to reassure myself. It says:

Faith is knowing the sun will rise, lighting each new day.
Faith is knowing the Lord will hear my prayers each time I pray.
Faith is like a little seed, if planted it will grow.
Faith is the swelling within my heart: when I do right I know.

*I know the sun will rise based on it happening every day for the span of my nearly 29 years.
*How can one ever KNOW the Lord will hear your prayers, for a fact? I think it's more likely to HOPE for the Lord to hear your prayers, and leave the faith/knowledge out of it.
*Obviously a little seed needs proper care in order to grow. But they say that faith does too. What about those one seeds that grow without intentional care? What are they?? And how about weeds? And can my faith seed be of the hemp variety?
*I think the "swelling" being felt is something primary kids shouldn't be singing about...
*When I do right I know. When I do wrong I know. When I don't care I know. When I drink coffee I know. When I use the bathroom I know. So what???

< /ramblings >

Fury, thy name is La

In 4th grade the children learn about Utah's history. They learn about the formation of the state, the pioneers, the native americans, the dinosaurs, etc. They learn about Utah's natural resources, about the industries.

Today my friend is on a field trip with her son's 4th grade class. Where would be a neat place to learn about some Utah history? State capitol? This Is The Place state park (where they can see how pioneers might've lived)? How about Kennecott Copper Mine? Even a local Pow Wow would be pretty cool to get some culture and history all at once.

This particular 4th grade is on their field trip to the Church Museum of History. That's right, folks. Church owned and operated, cute missionary couples and all. Mormon propaganda centrale.

Every exhibit in that building, whether historical or artistic, has blatant reference to the church or its' doctrine. What kind of secular education is that? My poor friend is chaperoning and she's formulating the complaint letter in her brain this very minute. And don't even presume my feelings on this topic have anything to do with me leaving the saints. No, I would've felt this very same way during my most active, believing days as a Mormon. This is wrong. Period.

Just a Reminder

Don't forget to check out Know Your Blogger at it's new home, a new eric. :)

Oh, great!

You always worry that your kid will be that kid. You know. The kind with the helmet.

We've known for a while now. Yep, our greatest fears have come true. Take a look at this:

When will the crazies all find an island to go dwell on??

Some people kill their children. Some people kill to get children.

I really cannot say I "don't understand how people can do this". We all manifest Crazy in our own ways, and sometimes hormones (do NOT underestimate them), environment, and other influences make the Crazy take over.

Let's just take, for example, the story of Stephanie Ochsenbine. She was attacked last Friday in Missouri, and her throat was slashed. If and when I ever get my throat slashed, and multiple stab wounds on top of that, I hope I have the presence of mind to walk to my neighbors house for help. But I digress...

Stephanie was just being nice (allegedly) when she invited a strange woman into her home to borrow the phone and use the bathroom. I wonder if the woman looked creepy, and her Crazy was showing through. If you can tell someone has the Crazy, they're far enough gone that they should be avoided at all costs.

Stephanie's infant daughter was abducted. I think that event might've killed me, had I been the victim here. I probably would've finished the throat slashing myself. Did I mention that hormones, especially post-partum, should not be underestimated?

I just feel sad for all the people involved here...

Alex Took This...

Week 1

Welcome to my new weekly feature: Alex or Dave Took This...

My brother just purchased a great camera. We're sitting here making fried chicken--which by that, I mean we're sitting here doing the NY Times crossword puzzle and talking--and the idea came to us that we need to publish Dave's awesome pictures. The camera is so good that it deserves public recognition.

Sometimes, the pictures will be taken by my nephew. He is 11 years old and he takes pretty great pictures, I have to say.

Imagine no possessions

We don't need no stinkin reasons!

A Sunday morning, especially post night-of-severe-partying, would be a good day to sleep in later than normal. But sometimes kids, barking dogs, phone calls from crazy mothers, and cold feet (literal!) hinder much-needed sleep, and cause Sunday morning blogging instead.

I like anniversaries!

Anniversaries were invented for people like me, who like to remember events and dwell on the past. Or maybe they're for those who just want any little excuse to party! Seriously, any day can be a celebration of something or other. For instance, today we could throw a party in honor of the signing of the US Constitution in 1787. Or we could plan a birthday party for the city of Boston, MA. Hell, if we were really desperate, we might remember this as the day Jim Morrison sang "Girl, we couldn't get much higher" on national tv or the airing of the first episode of M.A.S.H.

See? The possiblities are endless.

Today my brother (who incidentally was 18 days old when the Jim Morrison/Ed Sullivan debacle happened) is coming over and we're making Fried Chicken. I think we'll do it in honor of the birth of Bryan Singer. We missed him in X3, damnit.

So if you were going to celebrate this day, what would be your reason?

Favorite cartoon, EVER

My friends are the world's best, just so you know

For only the third time, last night I "came out" about my disaffection for mormonism to a friend. There are several friends that I intentionally avoid telling, for various reasons. I've found that I only tell the ones I trust explicitly.

The friend I told last night I've known since I've had the ability to know. I mean, I was just out of diapers when we started playing together. My early childhood memories almost ALL have her in them in some capacity. When our group of friends sees each other now, we can laugh for hours at the nonsense and havoc we created.

But last night we didn't reminisce much about the old days. Mostly we talked of our own self-discoveries, life, family, and relationships. It was such a grown-up conversation! :) I'm glad that we were able to get to know each other a little better and that we both have a solid interest in the others' peace of mind.

Living Room Window

Sheets of rain blow past me
Leaves tumbling to and fro
Low rumbling of thunder
Earth is renewing itself.

And then it stops.
It is quiet.

Reflections of reflections

MMM...no better way to start the morning than with a nice hot cup of Hazelnut Creme coffee, sweetened with monkey placenta and non-fat creamer.

Okay all you nay-sayers out there: I don't care about where stuff comes from. Rebecca has tried to scare me into not eating meat products. Was she successful? Is President Bush's approval rating rising? Oh say can you see the McDonald's two cheeseburger extra value meal...

The idea of my friend, Splenda, coming from the embryonic sac of primates just makes it all the more interesting. Who knew monkey placenta could be so versatile? You can use it in drinks, because it dissolves like a mofo, and you can use it in baking! The best part? Picturing a little monkey in my cup, wishing me a pleasant day.

Reflections

MMM... no better way to start the morning than with Hazelnut Creme coffee. Toasty warm, sweetened and creamed.

I think--and this is purely a theory, though it's not based on evidence--that scientists will find a link between Splenda and ebola virus. Or hepatitis. Or poison ivy.

Splenda is too good to be good for me. That's where my theory comes from. It's sort of like the whole red M&M thing back in the 50's. Those little candies, delicious to the taste buds, had cancer-causing ingredients in the red candy coating. So therefore I will die from Splenda.

There are just some things that make life worth getting out of bed every day. Hot coffee in the morning, dragonflies, and hot tubbing on a cool evening, under the stars and full moon (BOTH kinds of full moon!). An early morning cheers to the awesome things in life...

Token Blah-g

It's a really slow day, and I'm lying in bed because my stomach is bothering me. So I'm just writing a post for the helluvit. There's nothing going on today...

I should try that carnival of the veil sometime.

Do you know what will probably not help my stomach? The egg salad I'm working on making. But it sounds so GOOOODD!

Did everyone see my post about the Party next year? I didn't get appropriate enthusiasm or support, so I think I'll just keep nagging you guys.

K leave a comment, cause that's a nice thing to read while I'm here in bed. :) The snazzier the better, I always say.

Love of a child

I had a moment of REO earlier. (That's random emotional outburst, for those not in the know)

My 6 yr old daughter and I were watching the dateline special about United flight 93. She had learned about the significance of this date in school today, so she was interested in hearing more about the story.

Jane Pauley would talk and interview family members of the passengers, and I'd explain to my daughter in words she could understand. I cried through the whole second half of the show. At one point, I asked her if she knew why I was crying. She said she didn't.

"What would you do if we got a phone call from daddy, saying that he loves us and telling us goodbye," I asked her. "What if he called us, knowing that he would die in the next few minutes?"

She got quiet. She looked to the television, then back to me. "Mommy, when will daddy be home from work? Will I be awake?" Gut-wrenching.

For a moment, in her innocence, I had the realization that all my anger is uncalled for and my opinions of how children should behave are superfluous, and I need to think of her as a human being. At any moment we could be ripped apart from each other, and I don't want her memories of me to be someone who was bugged by her presence. She's teaching me so much about life.

It's a Party!

Next year is a milestone year for me. As such, I'm throwing a big huge party on Halloween. That's right, folks, plan for it. Halloween 2007.

As of right now, the party is being planned for here in Utah. If by some miracle we get a better opportunity elsewhere, we'll just say, "Hey we moved. Party is now in _____." You have over a year to plan, and we'll give you sufficient notice if it changes. :)

Party. Utah. Halloween. 2007. Come to it.

Why do I still have my scriptures?

Recently we had a friend over at our house, just hanging out and chatting. We were in my living room, where I have 2 small bookcases. One of the bookcases is full of fiction books we regularly re-read, and the other is full of non-fiction books that we sometimes peruse. Well, it used to be full of non-fiction books. But then I left the church. I didn’t feel it necessary to keep all my old study manuals and general authority books around, so I tossed them. The top shelf now only has a family history book, a FARMS book that I want to keep because of its ridiculousness, a CES conference summary manual and my set of large print scriptures.

Our friend casually asked us why we have the scriptures there on the shelf. This is a very good question to ask! Why do I keep my scriptures right there, highly accessible, when I never read them anymore? Why do I keep them in the first place?

I loved the scriptures. This is not to say that I read them every day or that I knew them backwards and forwards. But I did love them. I loved cross-referencing. I loved making sense of things by comparing stories in the scriptures to my own life. I loved thinking of the scriptures historically. I especially loved reading the Book of Abraham, the Book of Mormon, and the Old Testament, in that order.

Just because I left the church doesn’t mean my feelings for certain things have gone away. I still think back on my days of teaching early-morning seminary fondly. I still love the stuff I learned at the CES conference I attended a few years back. And I still have residual love of the scriptures.

I guess the simple answer to my friend’s question is that I keep the scriptures just because. I don’t feel a need to purge them from my house or my life. I don’t take them as divine word anymore, but I still like them for the stories. Also, I guess you could call it a cultural decision. Our society is affected by the bible on so many levels, and to not understand it is ignorance.

I’m not bitter or angry for the 28 years I spent entrenched in the church. Some days I get a little sad, but mostly I’m looking forward.

Stay By Me

by Annie Lennox

Stay by me

And make the moment last.

Please take these lips

Even if I have been kissed

A million times.

And I don’t care if there is no tomorrow

When I could die here in your arms

Even if the stars have made us blind

We’re blind, we’re blind

So blind in love.

So blind in love.

Sweet darling

Don’t you know

That we’re no different to anyone?

We stumble

We falter

But we’re no different than anyone.

And all the winter snow has melted down

Into a pool of silver water

And we were standing in a thundercloud

Dark as your hair

Dark as your hair.

So blind in love.

So blind in love.

Things to do on a Friday Night (no life? read on...)

Blog

Check blog stats

Text message friend in NYC who has uber-life.

Put kids to bed and drink with husband, who's blogging from his PDA.

Beg various friends to come over and chill in the hot tub.

Upon rejection from said friends, get in hot tub with husband and fool around.

Think of ways to increase traffic on blog.

Collapse into bed, hoping for a better tomorrow.

The 12 Suggested Steps of Bloggaholics Anonymous

1) We admitted we were powerless over blogging--that our lives had become unmanageable.

2) Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Such as, but not limited to, Marijuana.

3) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. But since what we understood of God is wrong, disregarded that decision, and just said “Fuck it”, and recommitted to Marijuana.

4) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, our stash and our blog.

5) Admitted to Marijuana, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our excessive blog intake.

6) Were entirely ready to have Marijuana remove all need to blog.

7) Humbly asked Blogger to remove our login information.

8) Made a list of all blogs we had read, and became willing to delete them all from our Favorites. Until realization how long of a list that would be, so instead, made cookies and drank beer.

9) Made direct farewell comments to linked blogs wherever possible, except when to do so would be too much trouble for us to go to.

10) Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it while we taped our fingers together, making it impossible, if not just really really hard, to type.

11) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our various Contacts for Pot, as we understood Them, praying only for knowledge of Its location and price per half-ounce.

12) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to bloggoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. ALL of them, extra-marital or otherwise. Even carried the message to the kid that bags the groceries and the old lady picking up her thyroid medication. Kinda got annoying about spreading the message.

Wake Me Up

"here comes the rain again

falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends"

-green day

Alfalfa

Alfalfa is a short green bushy plant, maybe knee-high. When it blooms, the flowers are a deep purple. If you're looking at it from a distance you can't see the flowers; it just looks like a rich green field. You have to get closer to see the purple tops.

Picture a big green field spread out in front of you, lush and thick, with popcorn popping above it! It's a funny sight! It looks like popcorn, but really, it's hundreds of white butterflies, dancing as they pollinate. Watching them is like watching a fire; you could just stare and stare and lose all track of time.

Horses love fresh alfalfa. We used to have a fence lining our property, and the other side had horses. I'd go outside seeking quiet, and I'd approach the fence. This one horse would see me and silently make his way to our usual spot. He was tan with a black mane and tail, and he knew what I was there for. He knew I would give him a treat. I'd pick bunches of alfalfa (this was before my parents landscaped) and rub his nose as he chomped away. Have you ever had a horse look you in the eyes like he knew you? Like he and you were connected? It's amazing.

Anyway, back to alfalfa. So then the farmer comes and harvests the crop, leaving it in cut pile lines. After it dries, a baler comes and bales it. And then it's hay. Weird, huh?

D'ya ever get that urge??

You know, the desire to just get up and go. Leave. Choose a random place, or not, and just get lost? It reminds me of that song by Lonestar, called "What About Now". It's about a guy who finds a cheap car for sale, and is imploring his woman (?) to drop everything and just drive with him. No destination.

"Let's take that spin that never ends that we've been talking about"

*sigh*

Maybe someday, huh?

Compartmentalization

Tucking things (ideas, events, facts, memories) away, recovering them on an as-needed basis.

I cannot do this. I'm trying, because it seems like a decent coping mechanism. I wish I could find a spot for hurts or pains or ends. But I tend to dwell on things. Situations stay forefront in my mind until something else comes along to replace it, or with time it just becomes less vivid.

For people like me, leaving the church is an abrupt and concise journey. When I first learned about the Book of Abraham being funeral writings, the rest of the doctrine crumbled from there. I had no basis for rationalizing any of it. Piece by piece it fell, until all my beliefs laid scattered at my feet, and I was naked and vulnerable. I don't presume that my journey was any more traumatic than anyone else's; in fact, it was probably way less traumatic. But early on I desperately sought after reasons, ways to rationalize it and tuck the truth away. It just didn't happen.

Now here I am. I dealt with the pain, the grief, and the end of my mormon life. I'm moving on. A new life has replaced it, though the new life is still awkward and fumbling. I have new pains now, ones which I'm dwelling on. They, too, will fade. I'll be okay.

Farewell, Crocodile Hunter

Steve Irwin died. Can you believe it? He was filming for a show called "Ocean's Deadliest" and, irony of ironies, he got killed by a sting ray.

Crocodile Hunter was a show our whole family enjoyed, back when we had cable. Steve Irwin was so funny, but it's not easy to explain why. I guess it's his excitement, his passion for things that most people stay far away from. He gets like a little kid when he actually finds what he's looking for. Anyhow, he had a uniquely endearing charm, and I'll miss knowing that he's out there.

So far, so so

I survived the weekend, and no one got into any fights. We have one more gathering tomorrow, and with various non-relatives that will be there, I'm pretty sure we'll all be on our best behavior.

Things I learned at my half-brother's baptism:

1) The Holy Ghost's method of communication is equivalent to, or at least comparible to, dropping a nail onto a chalk board tray. If you're making fun of the object lesson with your older sister, you won't be able to hear the Holy Ghost.

2) When you have 2 voices talking to you--one telling you to obey your mother and go inside, and the other telling you to keep playing because it's fun--the one telling you to obey is the Holy Ghost. I thought, at first, that it was fear of beatings by said mother, but I was wrong.

3) The Holy Ghost will help us to choose the right. Without it, we're pretty much incapable of making good decisions.

That's all I learned. I wish I'd paid more attention...

Joys of Family

My half-brother is getting baptized today. I haven't stepped foot in an LDS chapel in, oh, 8 months now. But I get to today!

I'm dreading today a little bit. My oldest, and TBM, brother is in town, and apparently he's having issues. He's been acting cranky and he snapped at me a couple of times. I am not going to make any further effort to see him while he's here, but he'll be at a couple other family events, including today's baptism, so I can't avoid him altogether.

Part of me, the part that used to fight my non-mo brother and condemn him to hell, wants to fight about the NON-truthfulness of the church. But I'll go against my nature here, because really, the thought of that just makes me tired. He will either accept me as I am or not, and why put any energy into swaying his decision either way?

Here's one thing I've noticed though, but I can't prove that it's directly related to my exit from mormonism: I'm more able to see his point of view and adjust my behavior accordingly. After being allowed to calm down, vent with my sister, and talk with my husband and a friend, I realize clearly that my brother has other, extraneous issues that could be fueling his crankiness. I think I'm an easy target here because he knows I left the church and doesn't know how to deal with that.

Now, what do I wear? I don't own a dress. Skirt it is....

A flashback

My nearly 2 yr. old son is trodding about the family room wearing his dad's size 12 Adidas tennis shoes. The tongue of the shoe comes up mid-shin on my son. He's also putting his arm down the hole of a thermal, non-skid, slipper sock. He's sucking on the other hand's thumb.

I'm having a moment.

God, I remember the pain of his birth. I had an epidural, but for some reason it didn't work. That Indian anesthesiologist was clueless. I didn't cry from the pain, nor did I scream, but I certainly was vocal and had to force myself to focus on breathing and relaxing. Of course, that didn't help alleviate anything, but it was something to pass the time.

It only lasted a half hour, maybe an hour tops. They turned the lights down during the birth, except for the big spotlight illuminating everything private. That kid's head was ginormous. Most of the pushing was to get his big ol' head out. As soon as I'd accomplished that, everything felt different.

Euphoria. That's what it was. I was swooning, the pain was GONE, and we had our little boy in our lives. He was smushy faced and chubby. My daughter was brought back into the room, and she developed the bond with him right then. She held him and loved him and was SO sweet.

Here's a pic capturing those moments, and who the H cares if I look crappy. I just gave birth! :)