Thursday, October 02, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Who Knew?
When it was crystal clear that my marriage wouldn't work for either of us anymore, I took decisive action. I still wonder to myself, "If I had known how things would play out, would I still have handled the situation the way I did?" The answer is obvious to me. The answer is no. But I can't change history.
The way I handled things hurt people. The way I handled things was abrupt (for those on the outside looking in). I was selfish and arrogant. For those in close proximity, they pitied how trapped we both were, but they could also see us making mistake after mistake. For those a little further removed, they formed their opinions regarding what they knew of the situation and have stuck by those opinions to this day.
Would I have made the same choices if I knew it meant losing friends? Hindsight is definitely 20/20, because I see things from a much different vantage point now. I see friendships that weren't what I thought they were. In my own feisty, need-to-have-control-at-all-times way, I was very naive to others' motives and intents.
Here are some points that need addressing:
* For most of the 10+ years spent together, we had been fooling ourselves. Neither of us had the courage to admit it though.
* My marriage was over (even if only the two of us knew it) before I--quite accidentally--fell in love with another man.
* Most of the pain and hurt I inflicted wasn't intentional. I cannot excuse it, because I am the perpetrator. I am good at justifying things in my mind, and that skill was put into practice a LOT a couple of years ago. But I never set out to hurt anyone. I'm not cruel or vicious; but I am an idiot that gets to live with the consequences of her stupid actions.
* I don't love drama. People always think that I love drama. I do love fairy tales, and THAT is big problem for me. But I don't love drama whatsoever; in fact, quite the opposite, I prefer simplicity.
It's been 2 years since our marriage was crumbling around our feet. We're finally finding balance and hopefully we'll each find our individual bliss. We are parents and friends, and we wish each other the best. The rest, I pray, is water under the bridge now.
The way I handled things hurt people. The way I handled things was abrupt (for those on the outside looking in). I was selfish and arrogant. For those in close proximity, they pitied how trapped we both were, but they could also see us making mistake after mistake. For those a little further removed, they formed their opinions regarding what they knew of the situation and have stuck by those opinions to this day.
Would I have made the same choices if I knew it meant losing friends? Hindsight is definitely 20/20, because I see things from a much different vantage point now. I see friendships that weren't what I thought they were. In my own feisty, need-to-have-control-at-all-times way, I was very naive to others' motives and intents.
Here are some points that need addressing:
* For most of the 10+ years spent together, we had been fooling ourselves. Neither of us had the courage to admit it though.
* My marriage was over (even if only the two of us knew it) before I--quite accidentally--fell in love with another man.
* Most of the pain and hurt I inflicted wasn't intentional. I cannot excuse it, because I am the perpetrator. I am good at justifying things in my mind, and that skill was put into practice a LOT a couple of years ago. But I never set out to hurt anyone. I'm not cruel or vicious; but I am an idiot that gets to live with the consequences of her stupid actions.
* I don't love drama. People always think that I love drama. I do love fairy tales, and THAT is big problem for me. But I don't love drama whatsoever; in fact, quite the opposite, I prefer simplicity.
It's been 2 years since our marriage was crumbling around our feet. We're finally finding balance and hopefully we'll each find our individual bliss. We are parents and friends, and we wish each other the best. The rest, I pray, is water under the bridge now.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Days 10 +
Hey my cut-back-on-caffeine has been going pretty well still. I have let myself drink a couple DDP's here and there, but mostly I've been sticking to water. I still poop out during the late afternoon sometimes, but I've figured out that it only happens when I wake up early that morning (i.e. for work).
Confession #1: I've tried out Caffeine-Free Diet Dr. Pepper. I'm totally ashamed to have wasted my time with it. Why would anyone choose to drink carbonated brown water with aspartame and 35 mg of sodium? It's beyond me. But oh well.
Confession #2: This past week I got a new laptop. I work for HP, so I decided to see what the employee discount was like. I found a pretty good deal, and it's better than anything I have at the moment. This is my first ever computer. MY first ever computer. I'm so in love, it's sick.
Confession #3: I've decided what I want to do with my life. I'm not looking for it to happen this second, but, ultimately, I think I have found the direction I'd like to go. I want to be a bee-keeper. :) No, I'm not crazy. For so many reasons it's the perfect profession for me!! More about this topic to come at a later date.
Confession #1: I've tried out Caffeine-Free Diet Dr. Pepper. I'm totally ashamed to have wasted my time with it. Why would anyone choose to drink carbonated brown water with aspartame and 35 mg of sodium? It's beyond me. But oh well.
Confession #2: This past week I got a new laptop. I work for HP, so I decided to see what the employee discount was like. I found a pretty good deal, and it's better than anything I have at the moment. This is my first ever computer. MY first ever computer. I'm so in love, it's sick.
Confession #3: I've decided what I want to do with my life. I'm not looking for it to happen this second, but, ultimately, I think I have found the direction I'd like to go. I want to be a bee-keeper. :) No, I'm not crazy. For so many reasons it's the perfect profession for me!! More about this topic to come at a later date.
Friday, August 01, 2008
Day 8 and Day 9
ONE WEEK! I felt great again yesterday. We had some work friends over for a BBQ, and I felt awake and alert the whole time. It was another caffeine-free day, so taking that into consideration, I'm pretty impressed with how it has gone.
Lee has decided he'll give up caffeine too. It's more fun when you have a "buddy" to go through life-changes with. :) He's participating in The Biggest Loser at his work, so I'm going to be his "buddy" through that.
Day 9:
I'm caffeine-free today, but I'm super tired. I think I need to make sure I get a good night's sleep tonight. Hooray for the weekend!
Lee has decided he'll give up caffeine too. It's more fun when you have a "buddy" to go through life-changes with. :) He's participating in The Biggest Loser at his work, so I'm going to be his "buddy" through that.
Day 9:
I'm caffeine-free today, but I'm super tired. I think I need to make sure I get a good night's sleep tonight. Hooray for the weekend!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Day 7
Well. It wasn't a caffeine-free day (took a couple of swigs with lunch!), but it was a milestone in its own right.
Normally in the afternoon I'm a zombie. I'm either falling asleep at my desk or I crash as soon as I get home. But yesterday was different. I felt pretty good throughout the afternoon! When I left work, I felt like I could still be awake at home, so I folded laundry and got a few things taken care of. I did have a pretty low point in the early evening, but I never laid down nor fell asleep. After spending some time on the couch watching a movie, I actually felt a little bit re-energized. I did more cleaning and got a few more things done before I decided it was time for bed.
I was pretty darn happy about it, let me just say! I'm gradually feeling some progress, and that's a necessity if I'm going to keep this up.
Normally in the afternoon I'm a zombie. I'm either falling asleep at my desk or I crash as soon as I get home. But yesterday was different. I felt pretty good throughout the afternoon! When I left work, I felt like I could still be awake at home, so I folded laundry and got a few things taken care of. I did have a pretty low point in the early evening, but I never laid down nor fell asleep. After spending some time on the couch watching a movie, I actually felt a little bit re-energized. I did more cleaning and got a few more things done before I decided it was time for bed.
I was pretty darn happy about it, let me just say! I'm gradually feeling some progress, and that's a necessity if I'm going to keep this up.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Day 6
HOLY CRAVING. I slept 25 minutes late this morning, and while I was getting ready for work an intense craving for DDP hit me. I couldn't shake it! I ate some toast, a yogurt and banana, and STILL the craving was there.
It's almost lunchtime now, and I'm not feeling so desperate. I've been sipping water all morning (side note: Another reason I don't like water is that if I drank as much as I'm "supposed to", I'd be peeing every 30 minutes, all day long! Sheesh!).
It may be really lame to some people that I am only blogging mundane things. Well, I've had bloggers-block for quite some time now, so this is a remarkable accomplishment, in my opinion. Hopefully it will lead me into more profound entries sometime soon. It will help that I just got myself a laptop. :) We'll see!
It's almost lunchtime now, and I'm not feeling so desperate. I've been sipping water all morning (side note: Another reason I don't like water is that if I drank as much as I'm "supposed to", I'd be peeing every 30 minutes, all day long! Sheesh!).
It may be really lame to some people that I am only blogging mundane things. Well, I've had bloggers-block for quite some time now, so this is a remarkable accomplishment, in my opinion. Hopefully it will lead me into more profound entries sometime soon. It will help that I just got myself a laptop. :) We'll see!
Days 3, 4 and 5
(Over the weekend and yesterday)
The weekend wasn't too bad. Lee and I were without children, and whenever I'm only responsible for myself I have an easier time practicing restraint. Even though Lee got himself a fountain drink from the gas station (I usually get one too!), I limited my caffeine intake to only a couple of swigs to help wash food down. Aside from feeling lazy and energy-less most of the weekend, it wasn't too bad.
Monday was pretty good too. I sipped a Fresca for most of the day, and just drank water with lunch. You have to understand that I am not a Water Person. Yuck! It has no flavor and usually just makes me feel water-logged and gross. So choosing water is kind of a big deal for me. Monday was my first caffeine-free day, and that's a pretty good milestone!
p.s. I think Water People usually have a holier-than-thou attitude, which is why I like to give Them the respect They're due.
The weekend wasn't too bad. Lee and I were without children, and whenever I'm only responsible for myself I have an easier time practicing restraint. Even though Lee got himself a fountain drink from the gas station (I usually get one too!), I limited my caffeine intake to only a couple of swigs to help wash food down. Aside from feeling lazy and energy-less most of the weekend, it wasn't too bad.
Monday was pretty good too. I sipped a Fresca for most of the day, and just drank water with lunch. You have to understand that I am not a Water Person. Yuck! It has no flavor and usually just makes me feel water-logged and gross. So choosing water is kind of a big deal for me. Monday was my first caffeine-free day, and that's a pretty good milestone!
p.s. I think Water People usually have a holier-than-thou attitude, which is why I like to give Them the respect They're due.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Day 2
I'm stuffed on Wingers, but didn't eat too poorly there. A bunch of popcorn, a few fries, then a salad and a half-sandwich (neither of which I finished).
I've consumed a 1/2 can of Diet Dr. Pepper today. Those who know me know I love Love LOVE Diet Dr. Pepper. My fave! So only drinking a 1/2 can is kind of a big deal.
Still feeling positive and optimistic. I want a life change. I want to be able to stay awake without the use of caffeine, so that's the goal.
I've consumed a 1/2 can of Diet Dr. Pepper today. Those who know me know I love Love LOVE Diet Dr. Pepper. My fave! So only drinking a 1/2 can is kind of a big deal.
Still feeling positive and optimistic. I want a life change. I want to be able to stay awake without the use of caffeine, so that's the goal.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Day 1
Read an article called The Corporate Athlete. Decided that today I would keep energy levels up without the use of caffeine. Also, will try to eat many small healthy meals, instead of the crap that I normally find to eat.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Heavy Petting
Remember when you got the YM/YW pamphlet that said you shouldn't participate in "heavy petting"? Hearing that phrase makes me laugh my guts out. Heavy Petting. It's kind of ambiguous, so I decided to look it up on dictionary.com. Here's what I learned:
To make love?!? Holy crap! So what the hell does HEAVY petting insinuate? Ramming? If merely petting crosses the chastity line, I think a more direct way of saying it would be "Thou Shalt Only Engage in Petting With Thine Spouse; and, If Married, Only Heavily Pet if Both Participants are Down With That Kind of Thing".
By the way, I'm actively rewriting the 10 commandments, loosely based off of George Carlin's book "When Will Jesus Bring the Porkchops?" Funny stuff. Maybe I'll just post his version instead.
| v. pet·ted, pet·ting, pets v. tr. To stroke or caress gently; pat. v. intr. Informal To make love by fondling and caressing. |
To make love?!? Holy crap! So what the hell does HEAVY petting insinuate? Ramming? If merely petting crosses the chastity line, I think a more direct way of saying it would be "Thou Shalt Only Engage in Petting With Thine Spouse; and, If Married, Only Heavily Pet if Both Participants are Down With That Kind of Thing".
By the way, I'm actively rewriting the 10 commandments, loosely based off of George Carlin's book "When Will Jesus Bring the Porkchops?" Funny stuff. Maybe I'll just post his version instead.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Happy Mother's Day!
What better time is there to blog? It's early in the morning and I can hear hustle and bustle downstairs in the kitchen. I'm under strict orders to not leave the bed. Whatever can be happening? ;)
I have some pictures that crack me up, so I think I'll post them. My 3 yr. old son has been prone to falling asleep lately, wherever he might be at the time.
At the top of the stairs, outside the bedroom...
Dinnertime at Winger's...
Isn't that fun? You just never know when you might open a door and find him at your feet, out cold.
He's also done very well at his potty-training lately (snaps to his dad!). He can't differentiate between the words "pee-pee" and "poopie". I laugh every time he approaches me, visibly excited, and says, "Mommy! I just went brown stuff!" What can I say? Maybe he'll be a color-freak, like I am.
Sometimes I worry that his big sister is his best friend. I know that it's really a good thing and that they'll be close when they're grown-ups. So usually my worries don't run too deep. But then I see something like this:
Playing dress-up!
Oh well, kids will be kids. They sure look pretty, don't they? :)
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
The reason why I can't quit my job. EVER.
The system at work just went down, so what better use of my time is there than to BLOG??
I moved desks at work. It's a perk. It's kind of perky. Perkish. I enjoy not staring at a wall anymore. There are too many walls in my life at the time being, so it's a refreshing change to have a nice vantage point of the office. I wasn't too sure about it, until the first day, mid-afternoon, when I beheld this on my white board:
Our new building has a lot of windows. When I saw this prism right here beside me, I knew I loved my new desk. Take note of this awesome picture that has a heart-shaped reflection on the white board. Kismet! Serenity? Karma? DESTINY! :)
I moved desks at work. It's a perk. It's kind of perky. Perkish. I enjoy not staring at a wall anymore. There are too many walls in my life at the time being, so it's a refreshing change to have a nice vantage point of the office. I wasn't too sure about it, until the first day, mid-afternoon, when I beheld this on my white board:
Our new building has a lot of windows. When I saw this prism right here beside me, I knew I loved my new desk. Take note of this awesome picture that has a heart-shaped reflection on the white board. Kismet! Serenity? Karma? DESTINY! :)
Sunday, January 20, 2008
I can only muster up lyrics these days...
Broken Seether featuring Amy Lee
I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh
I want to hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I want to hold you high and steal your pain
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away
You don't feel me here, anymore.
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I want to hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight
I want to hold you high and steal your pain
Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone.
You've gone away
You don't feel me here, anymore.
I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh
I want to hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I want to hold you high and steal your pain
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away
You don't feel me here, anymore.
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I want to hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight
I want to hold you high and steal your pain
Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone.
You've gone away
You don't feel me here, anymore.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
My Mood for Today
Everlasting Love by Howard Jones
She wasn't searching for the latest style
He didn't want someone who walked straight off the tv
She needed someone with an interior smile
She wasn't looking for a cuddle in the back seat
He wasn't looking for a five minute thrill
She wasn't thinking of tomorrow or of next week
This vacancy he meant to permanently fill
I need an everlasting love
I need a friend and a lover divine
An everlasting precious love
Wait for it, wait for it, give it some time
Back in the world of disposable emotion
In the climate of temporary dreams
He wasn't looking for a notch on his bedpost
A love to push, pull and burst at the seams
Is this love worth waiting for
Something special, something pure
Wait for it, wait for it
Give it some time
Is this love worth waiting for
Bitterness will die for sure
Something special, something pure
Is this love worth waiting for
Sunday, January 13, 2008
What to do when you're bored...
My family has a hard time not mocking people. And things. And well, pretty much anything.
After a delicious lunch at Fuddrucker's on Saturday (best. burger. ever.), we thought shopping at Ross would be a good idea. While I really like that store and love it beyond sanity when I find a great deal there, the styles of clothes they sell are gradually slipping south. (Ha! I remember when we took Lee's kids shopping for clothes there once, and his 17 yr. old daugher grumbled, "Everything in this place looks Mexican." So, "south" pun kind of intended.)
I like to call these The Scribble Pants
Alternate view of The Scribble Pants , plus Dave's thumb of approval
It's fun to get your 12 yr. old nephew to try on clothing that he'd make fun of if he saw someone actually wearing it.
These pants rock so hard that they slow down time when you wear them! Don't believe me? Proof is in the picture, people.
If you're ever in a store and people are laughing so hard they're crying, and you can't really figure out why, it may just me be and my brother. We mocked clothing in public, my son had a poopy diaper, I was wearing shorts on a cold winter day. What? We don't want attention...
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