Summer, defined in a picture

Who Knew?

When it was crystal clear that my marriage wouldn't work for either of us anymore, I took decisive action. I still wonder to myself, "If I had known how things would play out, would I still have handled the situation the way I did?" The answer is obvious to me. The answer is no. But I can't change history.

The way I handled things hurt people. The way I handled things was abrupt (for those on the outside looking in). I was selfish and arrogant. For those in close proximity, they pitied how trapped we both were, but they could also see us making mistake after mistake. For those a little further removed, they formed their opinions regarding what they knew of the situation and have stuck by those opinions to this day.

Would I have made the same choices if I knew it meant losing friends? Hindsight is definitely 20/20, because I see things from a much different vantage point now. I see friendships that weren't what I thought they were. In my own feisty, need-to-have-control-at-all-times way, I was very naive to others' motives and intents.

Here are some points that need addressing:

* For most of the 10+ years spent together, we had been fooling ourselves. Neither of us had the courage to admit it though.

* My marriage was over (even if only the two of us knew it) before I--quite accidentally--fell in love with another man.

* Most of the pain and hurt I inflicted wasn't intentional. I cannot excuse it, because I am the perpetrator. I am good at justifying things in my mind, and that skill was put into practice a LOT a couple of years ago. But I never set out to hurt anyone. I'm not cruel or vicious; but I am an idiot that gets to live with the consequences of her stupid actions.

* I don't love drama. People always think that I love drama. I do love fairy tales, and THAT is big problem for me. But I don't love drama whatsoever; in fact, quite the opposite, I prefer simplicity.

It's been 2 years since our marriage was crumbling around our feet. We're finally finding balance and hopefully we'll each find our individual bliss. We are parents and friends, and we wish each other the best. The rest, I pray, is water under the bridge now.

Days 10 +

Hey my cut-back-on-caffeine has been going pretty well still. I have let myself drink a couple DDP's here and there, but mostly I've been sticking to water. I still poop out during the late afternoon sometimes, but I've figured out that it only happens when I wake up early that morning (i.e. for work).

Confession #1: I've tried out Caffeine-Free Diet Dr. Pepper. I'm totally ashamed to have wasted my time with it. Why would anyone choose to drink carbonated brown water with aspartame and 35 mg of sodium? It's beyond me. But oh well.

Confession #2: This past week I got a new laptop. I work for HP, so I decided to see what the employee discount was like. I found a pretty good deal, and it's better than anything I have at the moment. This is my first ever computer. MY first ever computer. I'm so in love, it's sick.

Confession #3: I've decided what I want to do with my life. I'm not looking for it to happen this second, but, ultimately, I think I have found the direction I'd like to go. I want to be a bee-keeper. :) No, I'm not crazy. For so many reasons it's the perfect profession for me!! More about this topic to come at a later date.

Day 8 and Day 9

ONE WEEK! I felt great again yesterday. We had some work friends over for a BBQ, and I felt awake and alert the whole time. It was another caffeine-free day, so taking that into consideration, I'm pretty impressed with how it has gone.

Lee has decided he'll give up caffeine too. It's more fun when you have a "buddy" to go through life-changes with. :) He's participating in The Biggest Loser at his work, so I'm going to be his "buddy" through that.

Day 9:

I'm caffeine-free today, but I'm super tired. I think I need to make sure I get a good night's sleep tonight. Hooray for the weekend!

Day 7

Well. It wasn't a caffeine-free day (took a couple of swigs with lunch!), but it was a milestone in its own right.

Normally in the afternoon I'm a zombie. I'm either falling asleep at my desk or I crash as soon as I get home. But yesterday was different. I felt pretty good throughout the afternoon! When I left work, I felt like I could still be awake at home, so I folded laundry and got a few things taken care of. I did have a pretty low point in the early evening, but I never laid down nor fell asleep. After spending some time on the couch watching a movie, I actually felt a little bit re-energized. I did more cleaning and got a few more things done before I decided it was time for bed.

I was pretty darn happy about it, let me just say! I'm gradually feeling some progress, and that's a necessity if I'm going to keep this up.

Day 6

HOLY CRAVING. I slept 25 minutes late this morning, and while I was getting ready for work an intense craving for DDP hit me. I couldn't shake it! I ate some toast, a yogurt and banana, and STILL the craving was there.

It's almost lunchtime now, and I'm not feeling so desperate. I've been sipping water all morning (side note: Another reason I don't like water is that if I drank as much as I'm "supposed to", I'd be peeing every 30 minutes, all day long! Sheesh!).

It may be really lame to some people that I am only blogging mundane things. Well, I've had bloggers-block for quite some time now, so this is a remarkable accomplishment, in my opinion. Hopefully it will lead me into more profound entries sometime soon. It will help that I just got myself a laptop. :) We'll see!

Days 3, 4 and 5

(Over the weekend and yesterday)

The weekend wasn't too bad. Lee and I were without children, and whenever I'm only responsible for myself I have an easier time practicing restraint. Even though Lee got himself a fountain drink from the gas station (I usually get one too!), I limited my caffeine intake to only a couple of swigs to help wash food down. Aside from feeling lazy and energy-less most of the weekend, it wasn't too bad.

Monday was pretty good too. I sipped a Fresca for most of the day, and just drank water with lunch. You have to understand that I am not a Water Person. Yuck! It has no flavor and usually just makes me feel water-logged and gross. So choosing water is kind of a big deal for me. Monday was my first caffeine-free day, and that's a pretty good milestone!

p.s. I think Water People usually have a holier-than-thou attitude, which is why I like to give Them the respect They're due.

Day 2

I'm stuffed on Wingers, but didn't eat too poorly there. A bunch of popcorn, a few fries, then a salad and a half-sandwich (neither of which I finished).

I've consumed a 1/2 can of Diet Dr. Pepper today. Those who know me know I love Love LOVE Diet Dr. Pepper. My fave! So only drinking a 1/2 can is kind of a big deal.

Still feeling positive and optimistic. I want a life change. I want to be able to stay awake without the use of caffeine, so that's the goal.

Day 1

Read an article called The Corporate Athlete. Decided that today I would keep energy levels up without the use of caffeine. Also, will try to eat many small healthy meals, instead of the crap that I normally find to eat.

Heavy Petting

Remember when you got the YM/YW pamphlet that said you shouldn't participate in "heavy petting"? Hearing that phrase makes me laugh my guts out. Heavy Petting. It's kind of ambiguous, so I decided to look it up on dictionary.com. Here's what I learned:

v. pet·ted, pet·ting, pets v. tr. To stroke or caress gently; pat. v. intr. Informal To make love by fondling and caressing.

To make love?!? Holy crap! So what the hell does HEAVY petting insinuate? Ramming? If merely petting crosses the chastity line, I think a more direct way of saying it would be "Thou Shalt Only Engage in Petting With Thine Spouse; and, If Married, Only Heavily Pet if Both Participants are Down With That Kind of Thing".

By the way, I'm actively rewriting the 10 commandments, loosely based off of George Carlin's book "When Will Jesus Bring the Porkchops?" Funny stuff. Maybe I'll just post his version instead.

Happy Mother's Day!

What better time is there to blog? It's early in the morning and I can hear hustle and bustle downstairs in the kitchen. I'm under strict orders to not leave the bed. Whatever can be happening? ;)

I have some pictures that crack me up, so I think I'll post them. My 3 yr. old son has been prone to falling asleep lately, wherever he might be at the time.

At the top of the stairs, outside the bedroom...

Dinnertime at Winger's...

Isn't that fun? You just never know when you might open a door and find him at your feet, out cold.

He's also done very well at his potty-training lately (snaps to his dad!). He can't differentiate between the words "pee-pee" and "poopie". I laugh every time he approaches me, visibly excited, and says, "Mommy! I just went brown stuff!" What can I say? Maybe he'll be a color-freak, like I am.

Sometimes I worry that his big sister is his best friend. I know that it's really a good thing and that they'll be close when they're grown-ups. So usually my worries don't run too deep. But then I see something like this:

Playing dress-up!

Oh well, kids will be kids. They sure look pretty, don't they? :)

The reason why I can't quit my job. EVER.

The system at work just went down, so what better use of my time is there than to BLOG??

I moved desks at work. It's a perk. It's kind of perky. Perkish. I enjoy not staring at a wall anymore. There are too many walls in my life at the time being, so it's a refreshing change to have a nice vantage point of the office. I wasn't too sure about it, until the first day, mid-afternoon, when I beheld this on my white board:

Our new building has a lot of windows. When I saw this prism right here beside me, I knew I loved my new desk. Take note of this awesome picture that has a heart-shaped reflection on the white board. Kismet! Serenity? Karma? DESTINY! :)

I can only muster up lyrics these days...

Broken Seether featuring Amy Lee

I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh
I want to hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I want to hold you high and steal your pain

Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away
You don't feel me here, anymore.

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I want to hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight
I want to hold you high and steal your pain

Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough

Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone.

You've gone away
You don't feel me here, anymore.

My Mood for Today

Everlasting Love by Howard Jones

He wasn't looking for a pretty face
She wasn't searching for the latest style
He didn't want someone who walked straight off the tv
She needed someone with an interior smile

She wasn't looking for a cuddle in the back seat
He wasn't looking for a five minute thrill
She wasn't thinking of tomorrow or of next week
This vacancy he meant to permanently fill

I need an everlasting love
I need a friend and a lover divine
An everlasting precious love
Wait for it, wait for it, give it some time

Back in the world of disposable emotion
In the climate of temporary dreams
He wasn't looking for a notch on his bedpost
A love to push, pull and burst at the seams

Is this love worth waiting for
Something special, something pure
Wait for it, wait for it
Give it some time

Is this love worth waiting for
Bitterness will die for sure
Something special, something pure
Is this love worth waiting for

What to do when you're bored...

My family has a hard time not mocking people. And things. And well, pretty much anything.

After a delicious lunch at Fuddrucker's on Saturday (best. burger. ever.), we thought shopping at Ross would be a good idea. While I really like that store and love it beyond sanity when I find a great deal there, the styles of clothes they sell are gradually slipping south. (Ha! I remember when we took Lee's kids shopping for clothes there once, and his 17 yr. old daugher grumbled, "Everything in this place looks Mexican." So, "south" pun kind of intended.)

I like to call these The Scribble Pants

Alternate view of The Scribble Pants , plus Dave's thumb of approval

It's fun to get your 12 yr. old nephew to try on clothing that he'd make fun of if he saw someone actually wearing it.

These pants rock so hard that they slow down time when you wear them! Don't believe me? Proof is in the picture, people.

If you're ever in a store and people are laughing so hard they're crying, and you can't really figure out why, it may just me be and my brother. We mocked clothing in public, my son had a poopy diaper, I was wearing shorts on a cold winter day. What? We don't want attention...

Why I Am No Longer LDS

I was a sinner and unrepentant, so therefore I lost the Spirit. or... I wasn't a full tithe payer, so I as much as opened the door for Lucifer's influence. or... *insert stereotypical excuse here, because no WAY could it have been rational and/or logical*

I'm happy to tell my story, but it's not one I bring up in regular every day venues. I think I make it fairly clear that I'm not LDS (though I once was), but I don't give the reasoning very often at all. Some new friends have wondered, so I figured it's time to publish my thoughts. I don't think I've done this on my blog before! This is not a light-hearted subject for me, just so you know. As much as I've let Mormonism go, it's still a part of who I am and where I came from. For nearly three years I have truly been in a recovery process, though I'm sure that might be a difficult concept for some of my readers to comprehend.

All throughout my days of being a Latter-Day Saint, there were teachings and doctrines that I accepted just because I should, even though I couldn't really reconcile them in my brain. I knew that a lot of my questions could easily be brushed under the "we don't know the answer yet" rug, or leaving things to "God's plan", which naturally we don't know the full extent of. I was fine with brushing them away. I didn't have to have answers. I was content in the knowledge that someday I would know.

But late in the Spring of 2005, I happened to catch a minute of a Today Show segment, which was an interview with Martha Nibley Beck, the daughter of Hugh Nibley. She was talking about a book she had recently written called Leaving the Saints. In my brain, I wondered why on earth the daughter of Hugh Nibley would leave the Church, then go on to write a book about it. I wanted to know her story, so my sister and I got her book and, without realizing it, began our journey out from among the Saints as well.

The book wasn't much to speak of. She told a story of her father sexually abusing her, and her family ostracizing her when the suppressed memories surfaced. I read it with skepticism, because really, it was her word against her father's. There was one little part of the book that struck me to the core, however. I don't even really remember the context, but she was speaking of things that caused her to leave the Church. All it was that sparked my personal reformation was a reference to the symbols in the Book of Abraham being the same as ones commonly found on funeral papyri in many Egyptians tombs.

What?? I had to know more. Ancient Egypt is a personal fascination of mine, so this didn't feel like I was reading "anti" literature or anything. It felt more like research.

I finished her book with moderate curiosity, in regards to the true source of the Book of Abraham. I went on to read many more books, and see many more examples of funeral documents from ancient Egypt, and started to connect the pieces. The "translations" of the hieroglyphics from the Book of Abraham that I was so familiar with, and the revelations they unveiled, did not match up with the translations of the same hieroglyphics that were found in so many tombs, in so many other sarcophagi. Since the discovery of the Rosetta Stone in the late 18th century, and its decryption done through the 1800's, translating Egyptian hieroglyphs has been a fairly clear-cut process. Line upon line, precept upon precept, my testimony of the truthfulness of Joseph Smith and his Church started to give way.

I knew what was happening to me. I knew (sometime later) that I was letting "anti" material steer me away. But I felt so free! I felt so liberated! I didn't have to tuck strange concepts under any rugs anymore. I felt like I was hearing both sides of an argument and making a decision for myself. All my life, this religion had been there. It had been simply a fact of the matter. Even when I was older and found the "Truth" for myself, the only reason I had searched for the "Truth" was because I had always been challenged to do so.

But logic and research and science finally took hold. The Book of Abraham was only the first of many inconsistencies that I couldn't ignore. As tumultuous as it was for me, I knew I couldn't keep ignoring things that didn't make sense.

I kept teaching my Primary class, though it was a struggle to do so. I talked with my bishop about my concerns. He counseled me to give it time, study, pray, and not be hasty in my decisions.

By Fall of 2005 my testimony was all but history. I informed my bishop that I didn't want to teach Primary at the start of the new year, because I didn't want to get attached to another group of kids. January of 2006 was a new beginning for me. No more attending church, no more guilt for sleeping in or shopping on Sundays, no more pressure for living commandments or covenants or other one-sided arrangements. It was blissful!

I love my life now, though obviously it's not perfect. I love that my kids are learning rationality and reasoning and are discovering a world full of acceptance of all types of people and beliefs. I don't feel like I need to force my beliefs upon anyone else, nor do I feel that they will be better off if they believe the same things I do. Humans are strange creatures, and for thousands of years they've looked to higher beings to find answers and reasons. Who am I to discredit thousands of years? I find peace in my beliefs and I wish that for everyone.

La + Sensitive Situations = Tact

Cookie Day 2007 was here at last. I arrived with the kids at my mom's house, arms loaded with bags. As we were walking to the door, my 3 year old slipped and fell into the snow on the lawn. He wasn't wearing gloves, and the snow covered his pants. He was visibly upset and I, the over-protective mom that I am, was having a mini-crisis trying to get him in the door.

My brother Paul opened the door for me, and could see that I was struggling. I asked him to help by brushing the snow off the boy's pants. Instead, Paul decided that all my son needed was help getting his boots off his feet. Meanwhile, the snow was melting into his pants, surely soaking them through. This just frustrated me, since I was helpless with all the crap I was carrying.

"Paul, you're gay!" I loudly announced.

He didn't call me a name in reply, which was strange.

"Brush the snow off his pants, so they don't get wet," I demanded.

But Paul just said, "It's fine. Okay. Shh..."

Huh? "Well, if you'd just finally admit that you're gay, things would work out best for us all," I finished up my previous jab at the brother who spent his youth torturing me.

He was bending over in front of me, as if to pick something up. He looked up at me and whispered quite sternly, "Shh! [Mom's gay friend] and his partner are in the other room!"

"You're lying...!" I said, for that was highly improbable. But even as I said it, I looked over Paul's shoulder and sure enough, there was [Mom's gay friend]. How many times had I gone to my mom's house and he had NOT been there? Oh, every time. How many times had I gone to my mom's house and NOT yelled prejudice slurs at my brother? Oh, never before. But this day, the one where I decided to use sexual preference as an insult, there [mom's gay friend] was.

I laughed at my stupidity to the point of tears, but the tears weren't only from laughter. I was embarrassed. I felt totally shamed. His partner had never met our family before, so I can only wonder what he might have thought.

I apologized to [mom's friend] as he and his partner left, but I'm not sure he even knew what I was apologizing for. I can only hope he chalks it up to our family having loud and quick mouths.

*sigh* What will I do next?

Happy Holidays, friends! Hope it's a season full of love for you all!

Come on... Really?

I was given a link today to a commentary by my favorite author, Orson Scott Card, posted on Deseret News . Oh yes, indeed he's my favorite author. I mean, my favorite book wasn't written by him, but he's the one whose books I most consistently enjoy. I realize what this means to my readers. Sideon may just disown me forever.

(You can bet that I will enjoy the kiss and make up session with him!)

So I'm pretty convinced that OSC is pulling his peter. Oops!! I meant, he's pulling a Peter. If you ever read the Ender's Game series, you'll know that the character Peter would submit essays and commentaries under a false name, to help sway the global flow of economics and politics. It was his little form of control, which escalated into a very powerful form of control. Peter ended up holding the most important position in North America, partly because of the way he was able to shift public opinion.

I doubt that OSC is using a false name. Although, the man does go by Scott in his regular life. Who would want to go by Orson??

Regardless, a man with his knowledge and history of research cannot possibly believe the words he uses in that article. I respect him, insofar as he uses logic. But the only speck of logic in the article is where he refutes a "Traditional Christian" point of view. Why does he not utilize the same logic in his own comments, such as (but not limited to) "After this life, all who have become perfect in their obedience to God and are forgiven their sins by the grace of Christ will spend eternity serving God in his great work of continuing creation. Only thus can the best of us humans obey Christ's commandment to be perfect, even as our Father in Heaven is perfect."

To the Traditional Christian, he uses phrases like "that doesn't make any sense", "that's just crazy" and "your lines are imaginary". He uses LOGIC to refute the beliefs of the Traditional Christian.

Why can't he use LOGIC to refute the non-sensical, "crazy", and "imaginary" beliefs of the Latter-Day Saint Christian as well?

He must be faking it.

Oh, Holiday Parties.

Dinner and a Jazz game. Not exactly a situation that fosters socializing. But whatever.

The chicken was boiled. That's all. Then, there were a couple of grilled onions put on top. Then there were unflavored (but potentially delicious) mashed potatoes. Then there was veggies that should've been delicious as well. For dessert, there was cheesecake with raspberry topping swirled over it. Too bad that my piece had 2 swirls. The raspberry flavor wasn't very, uh, there.

It was my fault that I didn't get to mingle and see all my beloved work peeps. I should've finished my cheesecake, stood up, and walked around the room. I was under the impression that all our seats at the Jazz game were in the same section, so I figured we'd talk there. Oh no, we were spread all over the upper bowl. So damn, I didn't get to socialize at the game either. Lee and I decided to leave at half-time, and go spend some quality time together. We tried to go to The Blue Boutique, but their store on 21st South is closed down. Then we tried Gardener Village, on the off chance they were still open. I guess 9 pm is past their closing time though.

*sigh*

Not much luck last night.

The highlight of the evening was laughing at the dinner table with my bro and sister-in-law, and some other awesome work people, about all sorts of stuff. I sufficiently proved what a jackass I can be. Story provided below:

Britney came up to our table. My bro asked her why she was at the Christmas party when she no longer worked with our company. She was the date of a guy in marketing, so whatever. Anyhow, maybe it was because I was ever so slightly altered, but I blurted out "Did you get your braces off? It looks so cute!!"

She sat there with a blank face. "Uh, I never had braces".

"Really??? You didn't?"

"Nope."

"OH!! It's your HAIR! That's what's different!! It's cute too."

My bro decided I may as well have said "It's so good to see you out of your wheelchair!"

I felt dumb. But I still laughed. Does that make me heartless and cruel?

Don't be a douche...

Sarah Silverman makes me laugh my guts out.