Questions / thoughts for anonymous:

When was the last time I spoke about the church? Oh, wait. It was on April 04, 2007, and mostly I just said that I was raised Mormon. The post you were referring to about "I walk by faith..." was written in March of 2006. So that leads me to my next question:

How do I "speak so much about the church it's like you're obsessed"? What you are referring to, I believe, has to be taken in context. I was in the church for 28 years, and then found out that the teachings aren't true. So, yeah, I had to vent some issues and frustrations to let that part of my life go. But you were reading blogs from that time of my life. I have let it go now. I don't obsess anymore. I rarely talk about Mormons anymore.

"you know in your heart that the gospel is true and that you are not living your life the way that you should". No it's not, and yes I am. I'm living my life exactly the way I should be living it. I'm growing, I'm progressing, I'm working on my faults, I'm a decent person, I'm a mother who loves her children (and gets very frustrated with them), and I'm intent on justice and balance and living the golden rule.

"Did you ever pray to know if the chruch was true?" Countless times.

"but I do feel sad for this time in your life, you are experiencing a trial and I hope that you find your way past it, you seem like a bright and beautiful woman with a lot of love and a lot to offer". I AM experiencing trials and rough times in my life. None of them have to do with my leaving the Mormons though. Thank you for the compliment, and I am flattered you recognized that.

I did have to mourn for the Gospel because I believed it so strongly. But I have bounced back and I have new spirituality that brings me peace and joy. I have not sought another religion, nor do I intend to. I love my past and my experiences from my Mormon days, and I DO sing primary songs to my kids still. I just don't sing ones that refer to prophets or Jesus Christ.

Thanks for your comment, and I'm glad you found your way to my blog. :)

An anonymous comment I just received on an older post:

Hi, it's Sunday morning and I'm Mormon and I stumbled upon your blog because as I was preparing for my sacrement talk and my RS lesson which I agreed to do on the same day because I was asked, I was feeling the spirit so strong that I just starting singing and the song that I started singing was "I walk by Faith, a daughter of Heavenly parents" well I couldn't remember the entire song so I typed those first few words into google and you had cited those words in your blog so it came up in my search. I read a few of your entries and I have this to say about you, first of all, you speak so much about the church it's like you're obsessed, if I had a blog I don't think that refereces to the church would find their way into every paragraph and I go to church every week, I think your obssession is because you are trying to cut your ties with the church but in fact part of you thinks back to the great experiences you had and the times that you felt the spirit and you know in your heart that the gospel is true and that you are not living your life the way that you should and part of you wants your infant to grow up surrounded by the love and the clearity and the truth of the gospel the way that you did, and you haven't gone inactive because you're just lazy because you are already searching for a new church, you're searching when you already know the truth. Did you ever pray to know if the chruch was true? Have you received your testimony? If not, don't you think that you owe it to yourself and your family to do so? Reading your blog did not completely take away the feelings of the spirit that I was experiencing when I was singing hymns and coming to look up the lyrics, but I do feel sad for this time in your life, you are experiencing a trial and I hope that you find your way past it, you seem like a bright and beautiful woman with a lot of love and a lot to offer, I probably have had an easier life than you so I'm not judging, I'm just saying that it sounds to me like you are mourning for the gospel, like you need it, like you feel a void, so just come back, if you don't like the structure of the church and can't handle that right now, at least do some personal worship and searching, read the scriptures and pray, invite the spirit into your heart and your life, sing your favorite primary songs to your child, share the spirit with your child. You are a daughter of God and he loves you, good luck with your journey.

I should be watching The Office, but instead...

I'm so jealous that Sideon and SML got to meet!! Seriously, I'm festering. There are few people on the planet who can bring out the boiling passion in me like Sideon can. :)

Guys, I'm sick of my life. I'm sick at the fact that some friendships are gone and I don't blog anymore. I'm sick that I never feel like seeing anyone because I'm positive that either they will judge me or they will be weird because of drastic changes in my life.

What can I do?

Tah, tah, tah Tuesday

It seems lately that I've heard about many marijuana busts in our lovely Deseret. What's lame is that they release the footage to the media (or invite the media to come along), and make a big show of it. Meanwhile, meth is almost as big of an "industry" here, and we rarely learn about meth busts. I don't know if I've ever spoken out in favor of pot-smoking, but I certainly think pot is significantly less dangerous to society and safety than meth is.

K that's my rant for today. Today was kind of crappy at work. It makes me wonder why Tuesday is the day for crap. I mean, is everyone just so pissed off after Monday? I don't get it. It was actually a good day for me, but everyone I talked with seemed to be having troubles.

Dang, there was another rant. Positive, think positive. Two (2) songs that make me happy:

Daft Punk "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger"
Cake "When You Sleep"

Resulted happiness results in a tickling of the children. Good times!

Cold and empty

I browsed some blogs today for the first time in weeks. WEEKS! I used to be on my blog for at least half my day, reading, posting, being altogether obsessed. What happened?? During this time, one of the hardest of my life, I chose to isolate myself from all things familiar. Blog, friends, family, you name it. The only problem is, I miss it all. I miss my life.

Six months ago, I left my husband (thanks to Christy for being brave and reminding me that there's not really a need to be "hush-hush") . We haven't finalized our divorce yet, but we're slowly getting there. Mostly, we just have busy lives and haven't set time aside to arrange all the details.

I went from being a full-time stay-at-home mom to working 2 part time jobs and still trying to juggle the kids' lives with mine. I live in my mom's basement, and my social life has plummeted. Last year was all about parties, concerts, hanging out, being with friends. But right now I have a very very small circle of people I regularly talk with. Actually, all but my ex-husband are relatively new in my life.

You know, I'm sure people have their opinions about me. I have made huge mistakes, most of which cause me deep anguish. I am pretty sure I'll never have certain relationships back. And yet, despite the loss, I'm frustrated that no matter how penitent I feel there's nothing I can do to repair what's broken. I'm not perfect, and I'm not the only one who makes mistakes. The best I can offer is growth and understanding and empathy. If it's not enough, well, I guess I need to accept that.

Right now I want to take the bubbly pink template down from my blog and replace it with black. Some days are just really hard, and this is one of those days.

"I told myself I won't miss you, but I remember what it feels like beside you..." -Hinder, Better Than Me

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

We'll do it all,

Everything,

On our own.

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone.

If I lay here,

If I just lay here,

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel.

Those three words

are said too much;

they're not enough.

If I lay here,

If I just lay here,

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old.

Show me a garden that's bursting into life.

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads.

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own.

If I lay here,

If I just lay here,

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old.

Show me a garden that's bursting into life.

All that I am,

All that I ever was,

Is here in your perfect eyes;

They're all I can see.

I don't know where;

Confused about how, as well.

Just know that these things

Will never change for us at all.

If I lay here,

If I just lay here,

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Ramble, ramble...

I just have a few minutes until I have to go into work. My other work. That's right, I'm now the proud owner of two (2) part-time jobs. The scheduling with who's watching my son has been a beast, but so far it's worked out fairly well.

I have a cat named Boo and he's freakin awesome. He's big and strong, but he's a lover boy. He's certainly mellowed out in this past year, but he still eats food off the counter (which is why the bread is now stored in the cabinet). Just a minute ago he was sitting on the table staring out the window. Why does a cat stare so intently? And why don't his eyes dry out, thereby requiring a blink? All valid questions.

Cats are pretty cool. They're like a total mystery. And they just don't give a shit about anyone.

"She will be loved" -Maroon 5

All these phrases keep flashing in my head these days. Take the title of my blog post, for instance, which is the name of a song . Another one:

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love, and be loved in return." -Moulin Rouge

or

"You have to figure out what really, truly makes you happy and chase it......Chase it your whole life." -my friend Laura

I have a lot of growing yet to do in life. This past year has been one of HUGE changes and experiences which I never expected. I'm still trying to discover who I am. Will I ever get there? Does anyone ever know who they are? Who am I? Well, let's see what I think, and what I've learned.

* First, I'm the youngest of six children, and I was raised as a Mormon.
* I enjoyed school and was pretty smart, but decided to slack in high school.
* I love to laugh.
* I am often stubborn.
* I like to watch and play sports, but I'm not very active in general.
* I had way too many sexual experiences, way too young in life. Because of this, I've recently discovered that sex is sort of a control thing for me. I have come to realize that it's possible for me to reliquish control, but when I do I feel very vulnerable.
* I hate to feel vulnerable, but that doesn't mean I won't let myself do it.
* I am capable of hurting someone deliberately
* I don't hold on to things. I like to confront things head on, and when I get resolution, it's gone. Vanished. I let things go. I don't hold grudges. It's not very often that I internalize things.
* I believe that we're all intertwined as human beings. I believe in energy, positive and negative. And with that, I believe in some form of karma.
* My greatest desire in life is to be with someone I'm crazy about, and have them be crazy about me at the same time. It always has been my greatest desire.

I'm sure I know other things about myself, but I can't think of any more right now. I'm trying to find reasons for my behavior, reasons for my reactions, in an effort to correct things that don't bring me happiness. Either correct them, or learn to accept them.

La: revealed

I have two major issues with my children, neither of which do I handle well. The first is that my 7 year old daughter never says "Okay". She puts up a fight on anything and everything. She expects fun activities and toys, etc., but I cannot engrain the idea of Earning into her.

Where do kids get this sense of entitlement?

The other issue is with my 2 year old son who has The Loudest Scream Ever. And boy, does he use it. One scream and my ear drums are piercing, seering in pain. Most of the time I ignore it, so that he doesn't start thinking he can do it to sway me. But seriously, ouch.

He and I have started working on talking through his problems, instead of screaming. It has actually gotten a little bit better. But there are days that he just wants to let it all out. It's those days that have me so ashamed of myself I can hardly stand it. I lose my patience; I am unable to deal with him.

So now it's out. My deepest darkest secret, which I never admit to openly. I suck as a mother, and my kids are getting screwed up because of me.

It wasn't eavesdropping!

I was eating lunch at Costco today, and next to me was a woman with two men having a conversation. I could hear her describing what I think is a local charter school to the men. She said:

"It emphacizes Christianity and government. Daily we read out of the Book of Mormon and have prayer."

Oh, to live in Utah Valley! My lunch companion then said, "Yeah [a mutual friend] found it hard when he was interviewing for jobs because it's all fine to be non-mormon, but to be EX-mormon? Well that's just not a good thing. He wondered if he should pretend he was never a member and act like he doesn't know what they're talking about."

I wonder if the people next to us heard that.

Like, totally, dude!!

When amidst divorce, one needs to address the CACA.

Custody
Alimony
Child support
Assets

Happy Pi Day, everybody!! :)

Kindergarten didn't teach me everything I needed to know

*Buying bras at anywhere besides Lane Bryant is a waste of time and money. (LB's bras are the best for my shape and size, and they are what turned my self-esteem around. Seriously. I had always wanted a breast reduction until the fateful day when I put on a Cacique bra from LB. They have changed me.)

*Don't mix your liquors.

*Don't drink on an empty stomach, or a full one (in my case)

*An extra 50% off of an already reduced 75% clearance is a fabulous sale. Makes for cheap-ass shopping. (NOT cheap ass shopping. I've never shopped for ass, clearanced or otherwise.)

*Some laws just don't make sense.

*Parents are people too.

*Sex really is a motivational factor for most males.

*Just because you can have a baby, doesn't necessarily mean you should.

*Maintenance is the key, baby. Cars, house cleaning, hair and body, you name it.

What other things does simply living life teach us?

I am ALL enlisted 'til the conflict is o'er

Some weeks just suck. Some weeks you just have to put on a happy face, or grit your teeth, and pretend your life is normal. That's hard to do when you wouldn't recognize "normal" if it hit you in the face.

There is so many reasons to be down lately that I really really think I need to sit here and force myself to come up with some good things. So, let's see...

The weather is great today. Or, it was great this morning.

I got my van cleaned yesterday. For two bucks it's looking pretty sparkley.

Heroes is getting better and better. I have to rewind each second to think things through and tie pieces together. If anyone in the room is making noise I freak out. Each little second seems vital. It's good.

Work is a place of safety and escape for me. I like it there.

My sister rekindled a friendship that she had 20 years ago in high school. I'm very excited for her.

Rebecca is coming to Utah to visit. Why isn't she here, this second, in my room with me??? That's what I'd like to know. By the way, Becca, I want to monopolize as much of your time as I possibly can. (Just so you can be prepared for that.)

Okay so there are a few good things going on with me. Also, snotty noses and dirty diapers and complete oblivion aside, my kids have been more fun lately. Right now I guess I'm in a coping phase. Just live each day, don't hurt yourself or anyone else, and endure to the end. Or endure to the next phase, I should say. I feel like I'm Mormon again.

The point isn't that I watch MTV during the day.

"Aw...what the heck? I'm not doing anything, nothing is on, it's no big deal," I said to myself as I slowly released the recall button I had almost pushed. I set the remote down next to me, and settled guilt-free into my sin as MTV played out on the TV before me.

The show was Underage and Engaged, which I'd never heard of before. Two episodes later, I could feel the guilt creeping in. But the third episode was starting, and in the first minute the engaged couple had said they were each 19, and they were both Mormon. My ears piqued in interest. I had to watch this episode.

The episode was about how the girl had always dreamed of her temple marriage since she was a little girl. Her boyfriend had converted to the church after they had started dating (oh, how that sounds familiar), and he was the only one in his family who was LDS.

My heart broke as I heard his mother in tears talk about how she wouldn't get to see the wedding of her only son. How this young bride wanted her new in-laws there at the temple for pictures afterwards, and his mom said, "They want me here for pictures, but they'll already be married. And I'm just supposed to smile for the camera."

I hope that one day this young girl can see how her unrealistic ideal of how her wedding ought to be was selfish and unnecessary. It was tragic, I tell you.

My kids watch The Brady Bunch. How cool is that?

Ch..ch..ch..changes!

I'm in a very transitory place in my life right now. In some ways, I'm happier than I've ever been. In other ways, I'm lost and hopeless. It makes for consistent entertainment, believe me. :)

A thought I had the other day: my family has been pretty lucky when it comes to health and wellness. 6 kids and 20 grandchildren, and most of us have had few problems. Even my nephew Oliver, who recently had heart surgery, was at a fairly low risk. And now he's healthy and happy and cute as ever.

But surely at some point I'm going to lose someone I love. I know it's a waste of a thought, but even just the thought can bring me to tears. I don't want my family to change. I have a dear friend who lost a sibling and it has nearly shattered her. Oh, how I can empathize with that.

K. I'll stop worrying about it now. (Although, it's an inevitability, so maybe it's not a waste of a thought... hmm...)

My mom got notice last week that the request for my dad to be sealed to his new wife (well, almost 10 years new) was approved. My dad's bishop had called her on the phone and asked her if she had any objections. Well, she most certainly did. The bishop instructed her to write them down in the form of a letter and forward it to him. That was a few months back, and now, just out of courtesy, he informed her that the request had been granted. Totally and completely despite what mom had said. Now she's just shaking her head and wondering why on earth they even involved her at all. And what exactly could she have said that would've made a difference? It's maddening.

It's bizarre to go through the check out at Albertson's and hear the cashier talking about Joseph F. Smith with the customer in line ahead of you. On a Sunday, no less.

My 30's are going to rock. Too bad I have 9 months left until then. Ho-hum... ;)

I write weird :)

My most favorite person told me that he has a hard time reading what I write because he's never sure if there's more to it. He feels like he's missing something.

When I write, there is usually other meanings than just what's on the surface. I use writing as an outlet for thoughts, and my thoughts are usually focused on what's in front of me. But instead of coming out and telling everyone my intimate details, I think of a representation for it. My friend can see there's symbolism, but it's hard for him to process his way through it.

So take, for instance the lyrics of the song World Full of Nothing by one of my faves, Depeche Mode. (to be continued...)

Close
Naked
Skin on skin
Tears are falling
Tears of joy
Her first boy
His first girl
Makes a change
In a world full of nothing
Though it's not love
It means something

She's lonely
And he says
It's for her only
That he lusts
She doesn't trust him
Nothing is true
But he will do
In a world full of nothing
Though it's not love
It means something

It's easy to slip away and believe it all

Though it's not love
It means something

Almost every time I post a song, it's because the lyrics are poignant to me in that moment. The internet isn't a safe medium for me to go into the details of why it may be poignant. So I think of a way to vent my life without putting too much of myself out there. While it may be true that I wear my heart on my sleeve, that doesn't mean I'm reckless with it. :)

They MADE Me Switch!!

I'm all updated to the "new" blogger. Ugh. And I just got a welcome note in my gmail inbox. DOUBLE ugh.

I was so being resistent to that change. They made me change. I didn't have a "no thanks" option. I feel so violated.

Just for fun

Perfect Combinations

Bacon and orange juice

Chocolate chip cookies and milk

Boo and Harvey (my cat and my dog)

Me and my bed

A warm blanket and a heater vent

Firefly and a big screen tv

Me and my old car, my black Hyundai Sonata with tinted windows. (It matches my new phone! no wonder I love that phone so much...)

My skin and Cashmere


Less-than-perfect Combinations

Diet Coke and mint flavored gum

Coffee and my stomach

Purple pants and anything

Hard toilet paper and bums (OR the kind that leaves lint. Ew.)

Cocktail waitressing and high heels

Politicians and believability

Early Morning Reflections

(second writing. first one got deleted. lets see if I can remember... ARGH.)

In my living room I have a special corner with all my favorite things. I sit under my dimly lit paper lantern and read a book, light an incense, stare at my children's pictures, or maybe contemplate my relationships and my life. Yesterday I was enjoying my chair in my corner, and I realized I have each of my favorite things there. As I thought about it, each of my favorite things took on a symbolic representation, and I found it interesting that they're all things I strive for inside of myself. For instance:

Rainbows: a new beginning, a fresh start

Buddah: peace and tranquility

Dolphins: fun-loving and free-spirited

Dragonfly: beauty in all things

Another experience I had yesterday was that I had to wake up early, get out of my warm bed, to move my car. I grumbled as I stepped out of the front door into the bitter morning cold. It was coincidence that I happened to look up at all, but I'm glad I did. The lavendar sky was crisp and clear as it stretched out before me. The serenity of early morning calmed my flustered heart.

Spring is a time to remember life and growth. It's about surviving the dark, bleak winter. It's almost here, you know.